With the recent release of Spencer and the upcoming release of The Batman, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been on everyone’s minds lately. Well, maybe they’ve been on everyone’s minds for the last thirteen years (roughly), but at least now I have an excuse to celebrate them. And what better way to do that than to remind you all of their humble beginnings: Their glorious starring roles in the unsurpassable Twilight series, which has, since its release, become an (accidental?) comedic masterpiece. From unexpected jokes about Italian culture, to that moment where Edward stands in the middle of the woods, sparkling like a five-carat diamond and explaining to Bella that “this is the skin of a killer”—and he isn’t joking—the franchise has some of the most unhinged quotes in movie history.
Here are some of my personal favorites:
“Bella! Where the hell have you been, loca?” – Jacob to Bella in New Moon
When New Moon came out in 2009, this throwaway line slipped mostly under the radar. But now, thanks to Twitter, it has been forced back into our collective memory and is finally getting the recognition it deserves. I’m talking memes, t-shirts and thinkpieces. Not only is this line insanely out of character for our stoic werewolf, and delivered with unbearable awkwardness by teen heartthrob Taylor Lautner as he jogs toward Bella, it also solidifies New Moon at the top of the list of best unintentional comedies, right after The Happening.
“I like watching you sleep. It’s, uh, kinda fascinating to me.” – Edward to Bella in Twilight
And they say romance is dead! This tender moment in Twilight sees Edward breaking into Bella’s bedroom through the window, and then revealing to her that he has actually been doing that for months. I don’t even know what’s weirder: The fact that he actually says this out loud, or that Bella is totally cool with it.
Rosalie: “Is she even Italian?”
Emmett: “Her name’s Bella.” – Twilight
This classic moment comes at the beginning of the intensely awkward meeting between Bella and the Cullen family. It’s full of iconic moments, including the greatest baseball scene in all of movie history, but nothing beats this buckwild interaction between Rosalie and Emmett. Anxiously awaiting her arrival, the family makes Italian food. Why, you might ask? Well, because her name is Bella. Yep. The Cullens have been alive for hundreds of years and they still readily assume that she is from Italy based on just…that.
“I guess the wolf’s out of the bag.” – Embry Call in New Moon
Oh, you thought the vampires in the Twilight series had jokes? Just wait until you hear what the werewolves have been working on. This unhinged, absolutely nonsensical pun comes at a pretty dramatic moment in New Moon, when Bella confronts one of Jacob’s friends only for him to morph into a snarling wolf right in front of her. I hate to say it, but he really let the wolf out of the bag on that one.
Bella: “Look, you gotta give me some answers.”
Edward: “Yes. No. To get to the other side. Uh, 1.77245…”
Bella: “I don’t want to know what the square root of pi is.”
Edward: “You knew that?” – Twilight
Yes, Edward is beautiful. Yes, he’s mysterious. Yes, he sparkles. But he can also be really, really annoying. A prime example is when he makes this retort after Bella asks the (fair) question of how he knew what dark alley she happened to be wandering down, and what the guys around her were thinking.
“Stop trying to take your clothes off. It might be too late for my soul, but I will protect yours.” – Edward to Bella in Eclipse
It is no secret that the Twilight series may or may not be abstinence/Mormon propaganda. In Eclipse we see Edward repeatedly chastising Bella for wanting to get intimate with him, which is a totally normal thing to do to your long-term girlfriend.
“We only drink animal blood, but it’s your scent. It’s like a drug to me. It’s like you’re my own personal brand of heroin.” – Edward to Bella in Twilight
In that famous scene in Twilight where Edward tells Bella he’s a vampire, he also spouts out this gem. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I personally will only know I’ve found the one when he compares my blood to a highly addictive narcotic.
Bella: “You’re beautiful.”
Edward: “Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella.” – Twilight
This scene is widely regarded as the unintentionally funniest in the Twilight franchise. It features Bella and Edward in the woods and Edward finally admitting that he’s a vampire. Yes, the fact that he’s doing it while leaping from tree to tree like a madman is hilarious. But him uttering this line as he sparkles is nothing short of pure comedic gold.
Bella: “Are you going to tell me how you stopped the van?”
Edward: “Yeah. Um…I had an adrenaline rush. It’s very common. You can Google it.” – Twilight
This is another example of Bella asking Edward a perfectly reasonable question—how he stopped a van from crushing her with his bare hands—and him replying with something completely insane and out-of-pocket. I just wish we’d gotten a scene of Bella Googling “Adrenaline Rush.”
“I’m the world’s most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in: My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that. As if you could outrun me! As if you could fight me off! I’m designed to kill.” – Edward to Bella in Twilight
This is one of those moments in the series where Pattinson’s delivery is so hilarious that you have to believe that he was in on the joke. This is a bananas thing to say to a girl you’re in a situationship with, and Pattinson’s zeal and frustration (as he stands atop a tree, no less), makes it one of the most perfect moments in the Twilight franchise.
Edward: “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella: “What a stupid lamb.”
Edward: “What a sick, masochistic lion.” – Twilight
If you were lucky enough to live out the Twilight craze in real time, you’ll remember that, for some reason, this was one of the most overused lines in its publicity campaign. And when I was 13, I considered it one of the most romantic things I’d ever heard. Make of that what you will.
Jessica: “Hey, you’re from Arizona, right?”
Jessica: “Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like, really tan?”
Bella: “Yeah, maybe that’s why they kicked me out.” – Twilight
My favorite part about this exchange is, as far as I can tell, it’s actually an intentional joke. And I just think it’s beautiful that, when the characters actually try to be funny, their jokes are impossibly lame.
“You’re impossibly fast and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like…like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything. You don’t go out in sunlight.” – Bella to Edward in Twilight
This is one of the most critical moments in the entire Twilight series. Bella is trying to guess why Edward is so…mysterious…and these are the qualities that stand out to her the most. My personal favorite is the idea that he speaks like he’s from a different time, especially because from my perspective, Edward is absolutely peak Millennial.
“Hold on tight, spider monkey.” – Edward to Bella in Twilight
I’m gonna be honest and vulnerable for this one. When I was in middle school, this scene completely wrecked me. I couldn’t possibly imagine anything more romantic than my gorgeous, sparkly boyfriend taking me on a journey across the top of trees while Debussy plays in the background. And that scene—the one that single handedly made me believe in love—literally starts with “hold on tight, spider monkey.” Yeah.
Aurora Amidon is a film journalist and passionate defender of Hostel: Part II. Follow her on Twitter for her latest questionable culture takes.