Your Minute-By-Minute Olympic Viewing Guide: Second Tuesday Edition

It’s second Tuesday in Rio, and all I can think about at this exact moment is Kerri Walsh-Jennings and April Ross in the late-night beach volleyball semis. I’m shaking with anticipation. But a look at the schedule shows there’s so much more, including a treasure trove of knockout round team events. Let’s get right to the guide, after a quick refresher on our raison d’etre:

1. Using both NBC’s various TV channels and their excellent live streaming site, I will show you how to watch the Olympics with an unmatched level of obsession and fanaticism. Note that every event listed on a TV network can also be streamed live, though the opposite is not true.

2. The focus is on catching every event where a medal is at stake, regardless of sport, and every team sport match featuring America. Follow me, and you’ll miss nothing.

3. Everything you see below is LIVE. We may be many things, but we are not tape-delay punks.

For a handy one-stop schedule of each event for the full two weeks, I made this spreadsheet to aid in your quest. Refer to it as needed.

Tuesday

8:00 a.m. — Swimming — Men’s 10km Marathon — Computer

Check out Josh Jackson’s feature on this event, straight from Rio.

8:08 a.m. — Canoe — Men’s C-1 1000m Finals — NBCSN

I really hope you wake up in time to read this guide and watch the canoe/kayak finals, because they’re pretty awesome. If you don’t, I highly recommend going back to the NBC live stream site (linked above) and watching all the races on replay…unless you literally live in a canoe, it’s doubtful anyone will spoil this for you.

8:23 a.m. — Kayak — Women’s K-2 500m Finals — NBCSN

8:47 a.m. — Kayak — Women’s K-1 200m Finals — NBCSN

This event lasts about 30 seconds, and it’s insane to see how fast the women paddle. (Almost positive “paddle” is the wrong term, and would result in me getting my ass kicked if I ever used it around canoe people.)

8:50 a.m. — Field — Men’s Triple Jump Finals — Computer

I don’t have many complaints about NBC—they’ve done a pretty solid job in Rio—but their coverage of the premiere field events on TV has been piss poor. Events like this one, and pole vault, and long jump, are so much fun to watch, and all they do is show the final two or three jumps. That’s fine for hammer throw, or something, but there’s such a surplus of built-in drama in events like this one that it’s really a shame they won’t show more. Go computer all the way on this one.

9:12 a.m. — Kayak — Men’s K-1 1000m Finals — NBCSN

10:20 a.m. — Field — Women’s Discus Finals — NBC

12:00 p.m. — Women’s Soccer Semifinal — Brazil vs. Sweden — NBCSN

You have to consider the U.S. women going down in the quarterfinals to be the major American disappointment of the Olympics so far. Still, this should be a fun match, and maybe Brazil will avenge us with all its fans screaming the Swedes back home.

12:05 p.m — Sailing — Men’s Finn Finals — Computer

1:00 p.m. — Gymnastics — Men’s Parallel Bars Finals — Computer

1:00 p.m. — Women’s Volleyball — U.S. vs. Japan (QF) — NBC

The American women have an excellent shot at gold, and should win this quarterfinal match without a ton of trouble. But some really strange things have already gone down in volleyball, and there’s no way I’m missing this.

1:00 p.m. — Synchronized Swimming — Duets Free Routine Finals — Computer

You know how Americans always talk about how great we’d be at rugby or soccer if we had our best athletes playing those sports instead of football or basketball? Well, I’m going to start saying that about synchronized swimming. “Yeah, Russia’s good, and they’ll beat us, but imagine if we had Diana Taurasi or Hope Solo learning to dance together in a pool. We’d destroy.” (Replayed on NBC at 2:30-ish.)

1:05 p.m. — Sailing — Mixed Nacra 17 Finals — Computer

1:47 p.m. — Gymnastics — Women’s Floor Finals — Computer

Holy shit, Simone Biles is mortal! She nearly fell off the balance beam, and could only scrap bronze in that event, ending her quest for five golds. She can still make it four here, though, and it’s pretty much the same deal as beam and vault—if she doesn’t have a major screw-up, she’ll win. Last chance to see her in Rio, by the way.

2:34 p.m. — Gymnastics — Men’s Horizontal Bar Finals — Computer

If King Kohei doesn’t win this, the entire world is off its axis.

3:00 p.m. — Women’s Soccer Semifinal — Germany vs. Canada — NBCSN

I want a Canada-Brazil final.

4:05 p.m. — Cycling (Track) — Women’s Omnium Finals — Computer

I’m in an Olympic pick ‘em pool, and in our email thread someone accidentally called this “Omnibus.” Which sounds way more exciting, honestly.

4:30 p.m .— Wrestling — Men’s Greco-Roman 66kg Finals — Computer

4:44 p.m. — Cycling (Track) — Women’s Sprint Finals — Computer

5:00 p.m. — Diving — Men’s 3m Springboard Finals — Computer

The website for Olympic diving should be www.DidChinaWin.com, and the permanent text should just be, “duh.”

5:20 p.m. — Cycling (Track) — Men’s Keirin Finals — CNBC

5:30 p.m. — Wrestling — Men’s Greco-Roman 98kg Finals — Computer

5:45 p.m. — Women’s Basketball — U.S. vs. Japan (QF) — NBCSN

How much you enjoy women’s Olympic basketball depends largely on how quickly you become bored with watching Americans win really, really easily. If you love to watch us just crush the competition, at every stage of the event, this is your sport. It’s basically sadism.

6:00 p.m. — Weightlifting — Men’s 105kg+ Finals — Computer

These are the big boys, lifting the big weights. They’re terrifyingly strong human beings,and I hope one of them is around the next time I get crushed beneath a massive manhole cover.

6:15 p.m. — Boxing — Men’s Lightweight Finals — Computer

Brazil vs. France, with the winner to be determined by which boxer is faster…at bribing the judges.

6:30 p.m. — Table Tennis — Women’s Team Gold Medal Match — Computer

If there’s a 95 percent chance that a Chinese athlete will win the singles tournament, there’s a 100 percent chance when you involve an entire team. Nobody has China’s individual talent, but a fluke is always possible. Add the element of depth, and you can forget it.

7:30 p.m. — Field — Men’s High Jump Finals — Computer

Again, don’t trust NBC on this one. Live stream ll the way.

9:30 p.m. — Track — Women’s 1500m Finals — NBC

9:45 p.m. — Track — Men’s 110m Hurdles Finals — NBC

The silver medal favorite is named “Hansle Parchment,” and if you don’t think I’m rooting for him, you’re nuts. That name makes him sound like the patron saint of writers.

11:00 p.m. — Women’s Beach Volleyball — Walsh-Jennings/Ross vs. Brazil (SF) — NBC

We’ve saved the best for last. There are four—FOUR!—Brazilian teams in the semifinals when you look at the men’s and women’s tournament, but after Dalhausser and Lucena went down last night, Walsh-Jennings and Ross are the last American hope. This is an amazing team, and if they win, they’ll likely face an even more amazing Brazilian team in the finals. But Walsh-Jennings is a consummate, merciless winner, and I really can’t wait to see her make the final push for four straight golds on the beach. This will be can’t-miss TV, and if NBC futzes around and doesn’t take you there immediately, have your computer ready.

Finally, you can give yourself permission to sleep. See you tomorrow morning…