Five Excerpts from Bob Woodward’s New Book That Are Sure to Enrage Trump

Bob Woodward is a titan of American journalism, as he is one half of the famed “Woodward and Bernstein” duo who helped bring down Richard Nixon. Bob Woodward has a new book out next week detailing the madness inside the White House, and parts of it emerged in The Washington Post today. There’s a lot to go over—too much to include here without plagiarizing WaPo—but the “too long, didn’t read” (tl;dr) of what we know is that what we know is sure to make President Mad Online, well, mad online.

1. Hell Is Having to Listen to Trump Rant Uninterrupted for 30 Minutes Straight About the Mueller Investigation

“This thing’s a goddamn hoax,” Trump erupted at the start of a 30-minute rant that finished with him saying, “I don’t really want to testify.”

2. The Secretary of Defense Had to Explain to the President Why We Need to Monitor Potential North Korean Missile Launches

After Trump left the meeting, Woodward recounts, “Mattis was particularly exasperated and alarmed, telling close associates that the president acted like — and had the understanding of — ‘a fifth- or sixth-grader.’?”

3. John Kelly’s Misery Gives Me Life (Remember: He’s Pro-Child Concentration Camps)

“[Trump]’s an idiot. It’s pointless to try to convince him of anything. He’s gone off the rails. We’re in Crazytown. I don’t even know why any of us are here. This is the worst job I’ve ever had.”

4. Trump Hates Jeff Sessions With the Fire of a Thousand Suns

“This guy is mentally retarded. He’s this dumb Southerner. … He couldn’t even be a one-person country lawyer down in Alabama.”

5. When Trump Was Forced to Condemn Nazis, It Was One of His Least Favorite Moments as President

Trump was sharply criticized for initially saying that “both sides” were to blame. At the urging of advisers, he then condemned white supremacists and neo-Nazis, but almost immediately told aides, “That was the biggest fucking mistake I’ve made” and the “worst speech I’ve ever given,” according to Woodward’s account.

Fear: Trump in the White House can be pre-ordered right now and will be available everywhere that books are sold next Tuesday. Buckle up, folks. We’re all headed to crazytown whether we want to or not.

Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.