The first thing you need to know is: you are not alone. Trumpression is an illness afflicting millions of people across the globe and there is an active community striving to overcome it together. You’d be surprised how many friends and even relatives are fellow sufferers without your knowing it. This disease is scary and hard to understand but learning how to talk about it is essential for recovery. Know your enemy and you can defeat him, no matter how orange he is. Here’s a handy guide to some terms that’ll help you learn more about your illness and get you started on recovery.
The Chillaries – You awaken in a cold sweat, your body shaking, anxiety and despair riddling your bones. The future is too much to handle. You are thinking that Hillary Clinton may take this whole “well, I did win the popular vote” thing and run with it, that she’ll remember she won Twitter even if not the election and give it another go in 2020. What if she does? What if she blows it again and we get Trump for eight years? Worrying about the future is no way to live your present! Take a few deep breaths and a walk in the woods to alleviate your stress.
Heartbern – There it is again. That pang, that sting, that relentless feeling that something’s missing. You can’t help but think some of that legal marijuana Bernie Sanders would’ve brought you could chill you out, that the free college he said he’d give you would’ve taught you how to handle this pain a little better. Your relationship with Senator Bernie Sanders isn’t over! You are just entering a new phase! Cherish your old memories, smile about your old dreams and build some new ones together in the here and now!
ModerAtvil – Don’t shoot the messenger on this one. ModerAtvil is a worthwhile medication but it won’t take away your Trumpression by itself. Relying on every surprisingly moderate decision Trump and his administration make to provide you with a semblance of happiness and sanity is a dangerous game. It’s a nice supplement but you will only be disappointed if you think this drug alone will take your concerns away.
Presstration – It seems like it’s all you can think about anymore. How are these newspeople writing about how well the sieg heiling alt-right dresses? Why did they have to cover the damned emails so much? How come they wouldn’t use more honest and accurate polls so the inevitable blow would’ve been easier to take? Presstration is normal and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. What’s important is that you don’t take your feelings of righteous anger towards the media out on those you love! Instead of posting every article that angers you on Facebook, wait five minutes and then ask yourself again: “Do I need to post this?” You’d be surprised how good you feel after!
Penceivity – Rumination can be healthy or destructive. Many sufferers of Trumpression opt for the latter. One way this manifests itself is through being Penceive. Penceivity is best defined as spending an inordinate amount of time wondering whether Mike Pence would be the better or worse alternative to Donald Trump. This sort of thinking can become a death spiral and should be avoided at all costs! When you catch yourself asking “Well, maybe conversion therapy isn’t as bad as a Muslim registry,” redirect your thoughts to how you can make a difference in the lives of the marginalized. Kindness will always make you feel great inside!
Democratitude – This is a feeling worth cultivating. Trumpression afflicts Republicans and Democrats, conservatives and liberals alike. Democratitude is for the leftists out there who think they’re doing this all alone. Trumpression affects more people than you think. Democratitude is a feeling of relief and camaraderie. There are people like John McCain and Lindsey Graham out there who feel the same way you do about the Russian hack. Rand Paul is going to try and block John Bolton from being confirmed as Deputy Secretary of State. The list goes on. The best way to cultivate this positive attitude is through reading Evan McMullin’s Twitter feed for hours on end.
Schumonia / Tuberculosi – Both these diseases are easy for a Trumpressive person to contract. At heart, it’s reversion to what we’re used to. It’s thinking Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are able to lead the left to victory despite their ideas being roundly rejected by the American populace. Luckily, there are antibiotics. Try Ellisillin, Warrentanyl or Gabbardanol and see which works best for you! Build up your immune system and take care of yourself!
Obamamnesia – This symptom isn’t unique to Trumpression and is affecting nearly everyone in the nation right now. It’s a memory loss disorder wherein the trauma of a current situation allows you to forget important negative facts about the Obama Administration. Gone are the drone-strikes against American citizens, the hiring of Wall Street executives to his Cabinet at the peak of the financial crisis, the NSA revelations, the wishy-washy approach to Syria, etc. All that’s left after Obamamnesia has its way are those funny Fallon appearances and that time he dropped a mic at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Keep your memory healthy by remembering both the good and the bad! It’ll only make you stronger!
Cabinet Fever – The worst thing about Trumpression is when you get hit with this and the Chillaries in one fell swoop. Here come those cold sweats again. Remember you are most at risk whenever Trump makes a Cabinet announcement and take the necessary precautions to protect yourself. Luckily, most have already built up immunity to this. By the time Rex Tillerson was announced as Secretary of State, most Trumpressives were ready to just say, “Fuck it. I don’t know what I was expecting.” Don’t be ashamed if you aren’t there yet! Remember to always be you!
Vladimirectile Dysfunction – No one wants to admit it, it’s just too embarrassing. You think your stalwart democratic institutions will do their jobs and then Putin gets in the way. Partnering with others who understand this condition is essential to getting back on track. This does not define you! While it’s embarrassing, it’s a worldwide phenomena and we can all overcome it if we work together!
Schadonfreude – We don’t want to admit that we can be a little cruel but honesty is always the best policy! It’s okay to give yourself a little grace when you feel sadistic glee any time Trump breaks any given promise to his rabid support base. Most Trumpressives experience this whenever a Goldman-Sachs banker is given a role in his administration. A record amount of cases were reported when he chose a Labor Secretary who’d said as recently as March of this year that he wanted to automate more jobs. Like ModerAtvil, this is an okay supplement to your recovery but shouldn’t be the sole source.
Dopeamine – Perhaps the most important element of overcoming Trumpression is getting your Dopeamine flowing as much as possible. This is learning to look at the incoming fascist administration as more farcical than anything else. The line between comedy and tragedy is thin and it’s better to laugh as we try to get things back on track than cry. When Trump inevitably gets us into a nuclear war or marches us into camps, remember to smile for a full minute and see how you feel after! You’d be surprised at the results!