Seriously folks, read this in Trump’s voice and tell me this doesn’t mirror his exact speech patterns.
The two biggest giveaways:
1. “and therefore know him well”
This is classic Trump—saying something that communicates a basic message (I work for Donald Trump), and then repeating the obvious inference hidden in that message (therefore I know him well). This is likely due to the fact that he’s too stupid to process any sort of complex thought, so he has to talk himself through facts that come naturally to the average human.
2. “The most beautiful women, the most successful women—all women love Donald Trump”
To quote a famous ESPN segment: c’mon man. That’s right up Trump’s verbal alley. It has to be him. Not just all women, but the most “beautiful” and “successful” women love Trump. “Not those loser women who aren’t beautiful or successful…even though they want Trump too. Trump is the best! Also this definitely isn’t Donald Trump! It’s, uhhhh, *checks name* Carolyn, Car, Caro…Carolin! That’s it! Carolin! That’s me!”
If you think this is all too far-fetched, just remember that our president created fake spokesman’s names like John Miller and John Baron, then called up tabloids to push stories that made “their boss” look good. Per The Washington Post:
Interviewer: Yeah. Well, what about — this Carla Bruni, I mean, how important is she right now? Is she [cross-talking]?
John Miller: I think it’s somebody that — you know, she’s beautiful. I saw her once quickly and she’s beautiful and all, but I think that he’s got a whole open field really. A lot of the people that you write about, and you people do a great job, by the way, but a lot of the people that you write about really are — I mean, they call. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.
I’ve said it a million times before and I’ll say it again: this presidency is the dumbest thing that has ever happened.
Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.