Trump Calls on Evangelicals to Vote For Him So He Can Get Into Heaven

Speaking at Orlando at a “Pastors in the Pews” meeting, in which his one task was to convince evangelicals to support him in the election in the way they failed to do for Mitt Romney, Donald Trump made this rather compelling argument:

“For evangelicals, for the Christians, for the everybody, for everybody of religion, this will be, may be, the most important election that our country has ever had…And once I get in, I will do my thing that I do very well. And I figure it is probably, maybe the only way I’m going to get to heaven. So I better do a good job.”

Let’s boil that argument down to its essentials: Trump is telling a group of pastors that he has spent his life being a bad person who deserves to go to hell, but that they should elect him to the most important office in the land so he can redeem himself. Because that’s how we should choose a president—by looking at which horrible person really deserves a shot to alter a lifelong pattern of terrible behavior.

Here’s some other weird stuff Trump said at the meeting. On Utah:

“I’m having a tremendous problem in Utah. Utah is a different place. Is anybody here from Utah? I didn’t think so. We’re having a problem. I mean because, you know, it could cost us the Supreme Court.”

Maybe because Utah literally has the only large-scale religious group in the country that sticks to actual principles?

On Romney:

“Honestly, you did not vote for Romney. Had you voted for Romney, it would have been much closer. You did not vote for Romney. Evangelicals, religion, did not get out and vote. And I don’t know why. Whatever the reason, I’m not sure why.”

Well, whatever the evangelicals were missing in Romney, I’m sure they’ve found it in you.

On shaking the Earth:

“You have to get the people in your churches. You have to get them to go out and vote. Whether you have bus drives, do whatever you have to do. You have a chance to do something that will be Earth shaking. I literally mean it. Earth shaking. You’ve got to get your people out to vote.”

“Literally” Earth shaking can only mean the nuclear war he’s certain to start, right?