For those who missed the debate last night, here is an easily digestible, thorough paraphrasing of every single thing he said. Enjoy!
Opening statement
“America is a piggy bank, and Mexico has beautiful plants. Hey, here’s a non-sequitur: Hillary and I agree on child care. The best way to create jobs is to slash taxes in half for corporations, because the only reason trickle-down economics didn’t work is that we DIDN’T GO HARD ENOUGH, BABY. Finally, fuck Hofstra, I’m not thanking them.”
On how, specifically, to bring jobs back
“My dad gave me an embarrassingly small loan of $1 million in 1973, but I overcame these humble beginnings and created hotels with some of the world’s most elaborate fountains. China sucks. Mexico too.”
On calling his opponent “Secretary Clinton”
“I want you to know that I’m showing tremendous maturity and restraint by not calling you “doll,” “toots,” or “babe,” because you seem like the real uppity type that would raise a stink. This is huge for me. I have not called a woman by her actual name in decades, unless one of them was coincidentally named ‘sweet tits.’”
On how he prepared for the debate
[sly grin]
[thirty consecutive long sniffs]
But seriously, how do you bring back jobs?
“Don’t let them have left in the first place. Am I implying time travel? Maybe. Nothing’s off the table with Trump.”
On energy
“We tried investing in solar once, and it failed big time, so if you think I’m going to let us get swindled by the sun again, you’re wrong. Some people say the sun is the source of life, but not me—to me, the sun is the China of the sky. It’s screwing us. We’ve got a terrible deal with the sun. Sunburn, skin cancer, people going blind by staring at eclipses. It’s awful, Lester. It destroyed our ozone. How do we get our ozone back? Maybe time travel again. The point is, fuck the sun.”
On Hillary’s support of TPP
“She called it the gold standard of trade deals. There is nothing higher than gold. Gold is literally the only thing I understand, and the only thing I love, so if Hillary used the word “gold” to describe TPP at one point, there’s no way she’s sincerely against it now. Gold is everything the sun could never be.”
On business regulations
“Hillary’s going to ruin this country with regulations. If there’s one thing history has proved, it’s that businesses can be trusted to regulate themselves.”
On Hillary’s website fact-checker
“Mine’s cool too. We have an animated Chris Christie, and you can poke him with your mouse to make him giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.”
On the plan to fight ISIS
“Douglas MacArthur would never have laid out his ISIS fight plan on a website. He probably would have just got on a camel and rode through the desert obliterating everything in his path. It’s hard to say, since there was no ISIS or Internet then. Point is, it’s bad to tell the enemy what you’re going to do. The better move is to just speak vaguely and let everyone guess what your plan might be, or whether you even have one. Look at me—do I have any idea how to deal with ISIS? Who knows? I’m not saying. People love a good mystery.”
On the formation of ISIS
“ISIS was formed not five years ago, as many believe, but on May 12, 1969, at the exact moment that Hillary Clinton received her diploma from Wellesley and officially became an adult. On that day, she vowed to stop them, and has been fighting them her entire adult life. FACTS.”
On the economy
“The entire premise of my renegade campaign is bullshit, because I’m just reprising Ronald Reagan’s stupid ideas about giving rich people more money, and once in a while I rant about NAFTA. Sorry, poor white people who love me! But I bet you won’t notice if I distract you by saying something racist!”
On bubbles
“Big, fat, ugly. If you want to know how I feel about bubbles, just look up everything I’ve ever said about Rosie O’Donnell.”
On Obama
“Oh, you mean Golfy McGolferson?”
On releasing his taxes
“Yup, just as soon as I’m done being audited. Which has been ongoing for the past 15 years, and will probably continue until I die. Also, if anyone says that I can release them even though I’m being audited, I’ll smirk and stay totally silent.”
On the fact that he can still release his taxes despite being audited
[smirks, stays silent]
On airports
“Our airports are garbage. They’re third-world wastelands strewn with the remains of half-eaten Auntie Anne’s pretzels. But countries like Dubai and Qatar that use migrant workers as modern-day slave labor? Insane airports. So beautiful I just sit there staring at the terminal, weeping like a madman. Slaves = the world’s best airports. Connect the dots, people.”
On not paying federal income tax
“When I do bad things, it means that I’ll be an awesome president.”
On not paying his workers
“Drapery makers, including Hillary Clinton’s father, are notoriously lazy, shoddy workers, and I won’t give them my hard-earned money. I’m so sick of drapery I could puke. I won’t ever pay for drapery. Not now, not tomorrow, not EVER! THE NEXT WELL-CRAFTED DRAPERY I SEE WILL BE THE FIRST! THEY’RE LEECHES! HILLARY COMES FROM OAFISH, SHIFTLESS DRAPERY STOCK AND IS DISQUALIFIED FROM BEING PRESIDENT!”
On the possibility of losing
“No worries, I’ll just build a weird post office next to the White House and mail people’s letters out a year ahead of time, or something. Trump’s going to be fine.”
On law and order
“All black people and Hispanics live in rotten hellscapes and have been shot just for walking down the street by roving gangs of illegal immigrants.”
On improving inner-city life
“Life is very unfair to black and Hispanic people, and there’s only one way to bring them justice: Stop-and-frisk, baby.”
On Hillary using the term “superpredator”
“Incredibly offensive. Not very PC. Words matter. All Mexicans are rapists.”
On how Democrats have used the black population
“They get their votes, but without even offering them sweet deals like stop-and-frisk! Did I mention I’m really into stop-and-frisk?”
On Hillary staying home
“She hasn’t been visiting the inner cities like me, and without that, how is she supposed to make offensive generalizations about minorities?”
On the birther movement
“Look, I made the dude show his birth certificate, which is awesome. And then I continued to be a dick about it afterward, sure. But whatever, we were all so young then.”
On getting sued for not letting black people stay in his apartments
“Okay, A, I never admitted it, which is huge. B, other people were doing it too, which means it was okay. C, I opened a club in Florida and let black people in, so I can’t be racist. D, whatever, we were all so young then.”
On hackers
“Let’s not assume that it’s always Russia or China, folks. Why aren’t we looking at super fat people sitting on beds? Honestly, what do you think 400-pound fatties do all day? They eat, and they hack. This is a major problem.”
On being endorsed by a government agency, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), that would never endorse a candidate
“Totally happened.”
On Iraq
“We made two big mistakes. One, we should have kept thousands of troops there forever. Two, we should have stolen more oil. Otherwise? No complaints.”
On Iran
“I would nuke them if they laughed at our sailors.”
On his support for the war in Iraq
“Guys, I was kidding. A guy can’t joke? We were all so young then.”
On Sean Hannity
“Nobody wants to call him anymore. He’s very lonely. Somebody please call Sean.”
On his number one strength
“Definitely temperament.”
On Hillary’s “look”
“I obviously meant ‘stamina,’ which should have been clear since those words mean exactly the same thing and I’m not a sexist.”
On global politics
“China should invade North Korea.”
On closing out the debate with something random and crazy
“Rosie O’Donnell deserved to be called a fat pig, and America has my back on this one.”