We have now reached the I am consciously voting for a pedophile over a Democrat stage of Republican decline, and it’s given me an idea. This ordeal is unassailable proof that the primary motivator amongst many conservatives in America is to simply oppose whatever liberals support. They could care less about politics affecting their own lives, and their entire existence is wrapped up in antagonizing liberal priorities and signal-boosting extremist views to try to “own the libs.” The election of Donald Trump made this problem feel intractable, but there is a very obvious solution staring us right in the face:
Liberals simply must pretend to be conservatives.
In public, in the press—everywhere but the voting booth—liberals must wholeheartedly endorse conservative positions. We must change our social media avatars to bald eagles. We must lament NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. We must compliment Paul Ryan on his ability to “rein in the deficit” and applaud the House Republicans over their efforts to lighten the Koch brothers’ tax burden. We must adopt a messaging platform which adores big-business, and holds up the Cato Institute and Heritage Foundation as intellectual giants of our time. We must start buying guns in droves, and talk about our undying support for cops and the troops in every other sentence. Sure, it would be quite confusing at first, but because so many conservatives have rewired their brains to derive more pleasure from trolling liberals than bettering their own lives, they will adjust their positions accordingly—just as they have for Roy Moore.
Given that a litany of conservatives have made their peace with a child molester seemingly overnight, all it would take is Hollywood liberals posing as conservatives in public, and the reformation would take no longer than a month. Fox & Friends would begin to tout Medicare for All as “just common sense.” The Federalist would begin writing screeds about how heavily taxing the rich is actually a tentpole of libertarianism. The National Review would publish an entire feature about the lack of accountability behind police violence. Marco Rubio would repudiate environmental regulation, then endorse it, then repudiate it, then endorse it again (OK, so not everything would change). The world would shift in an instant, because Roy Moore has proven that a significant chunk of conservative America does not care about their own principles, and they simply live their life by standing against us liberals. So, let’s use their weakness to our advantage.
I’m only half-joking about this. The 21st century has proven that Republicans have far more interest in commanding our culture than our government, so let’s distract them with that possibility while we use their intransigence to help us elect a liberal super majority in both chambers of Congress.
We’d have to stay disciplined—which means that when pollsters call us, we would have to tell them that we were voting for the Republican candidate. That way we’d have weeks of political analysts penning “what the heck is going on!?!?!” screeds, then FiveThirtyEight would do a big write-up on how suburban moms seem to have become Rush Limbaugh super fans overnight, and we’d see the same conservatives who are twisting themselves into knots to support Roy Moore immediately leap to the left side of the aisle. Hell, if we played our cards right, we could get Medicare for All by Christmas.
We can do this, liberal America. Sure, the results from last week’s election suggest that we don’t need conservatives help to swing Congress back in our favor, but a razor-thin majority will not get us the liberal reforms that America sorely needs. That can only come with a veto-proof majority determined to pass progressive legislation, and since that doesn’t describe the leaders of the Democratic Party, our best bet to get liberal bills on the floor of Congress is to publicly oppose them, and the very same army of conservatives who still support Roy Moore will try to own us with our own legislation. We can do this liberal America—if some conservatives want to dedicate their lives to owning the libs, then we have a responsibility to try to manipulate their energy for good. We have all the power in this dynamic, so it’s time for us to troll conservatives into becoming liberals. You may laugh at this tongue-in-cheek idea, but the truth underlying all this silliness is that if conservatives can convince themselves to endorse a pedophile over any Democrat, then anything is possible.
Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.