An Intricately Detailed, Scientific Explanation of Why Ted Cruz Sucks

One of the underrated downsides of the rise of Donald Trump is that we’ve been so busy hating Trump that we haven’t been able to properly devote enough time and attention to hating Ted Cruz. Because in any normal election year that wasn’t dominated by a talking orange bag of air, Ted Cruz would be the epicenter of a horrified shockwave of nationwide fascination, mockery and disgust.

Sure, Donald Trump sucks—he’s a hilariously vain, thin-skinned, self-victimizing whiny race-baiting blowhard whose supporters are the saddest dregs of declining white society. It’s easy to see why Donald Trump sucks and make fun of him for it.

But Ted Cruz is a new category of suck altogether. Ted Cruz sucks in ways that we’ve never seen American politicians suck before. Ted Cruz he combines the suckiest attributes of the suckiest liberals and the suckiest conservatives into one massive, off-putting, smarmy suckhole.

Every arrogant classmate or obnoxiously ambitious co-worker you’ve ever had, every creepy dude on your dorm floor, every mansplaining blowhard you’ve ever run into on Facebook, every overaggressive pretentious twit who wants to turn the simplest everyday interactions into Socratic debates, every creepy College Republican or evangelical Christian doorknocker who made you feel a cold shiver down your spine—Ted Cruz embodies them all.

Ted Cruz has the smug, sanctimonious superiority of the worst liberals combined with the horrible, retrograde “ideas” of the worst conservatives: he’s wrong about everything, and he’s sickeningly pleased with himself about it.

Ted Cruz was born in Canada and is the son of an immigrant, but he wants to deport 12 million undocumented immigrants.

Ted Cruz has the same bloodthirsty foreign policy goals and right-wing Christian domestic agenda of George W. Bush, but without the social skills. George W. Bush was an incompetent, beady-eyed warmonger who deserves to be in prison for crimes against humanity, but at least he had a certain dim-witted Texas frat bro dry-drunk charm! George W. Bush was the “guy you wanted to have a beer with” – but Cruz is just a huge weirdo.

How can we begin to enumerate the ways that Ted Cruz sucks? It’s like trying to count the stars. Writing this article about “why Ted Cruz sucks” was like trying to write a 1,000-word article that explains all about “the ocean.” The research for this article took me a lot longer than I expected (unfortunately, I’m not getting paid by the hour), because there’s too much amazing source material – the Internet is bursting with jaw-droppingly hilarious evidence of why and how Ted Cruz sucks.

Here is a small sampling:

Ted Cruz’s College Roommate Hates Him

Ted Cruz isn’t just a horrible person today; he’s been a horrible person for his entire adult life, even as a 17-year-old college freshman, when he was apparently the worst college roommate of all time. Cruz’s college roommate at Princeton in 1988, Craig Mazin, has gone on to be a successful Hollywood screenwriter and director, but the experience of living with Ted Cruz was so emotionally damaging that Mazin has gone out of his way to excruciatingly burn Ted Cruz on Twitter, again and again and again.

In a Daily Beast article in 2013, Mazin was quoted as saying that “We should be afraid that someone like that has power” and “I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone. I would rather pick somebody from the phone book.” Another excerpt from the Daily Beast:

…several fellow classmates who asked that their names not be used described the young Cruz with words like “abrasive,” “intense,” “strident,” “crank,” and “arrogant.” Four independently offered the word “creepy,” with some pointing to Cruz’s habit of donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students lived.

Mazin has also said that Cruz had “SERIOUS body odor issues,” and that Cruz “would leave a greasy film on everything,” and “I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully, his personality is so awful that 99 percent of why I hate him is just his personality. If he agreed with me on every issue, I would hate him only 1 percent less,” and that with Cruz, “What you see before you now is EXACTLY who he was back then. He does not change. The way zombies and mold don’t change.”

Of course, it might seem kind of unfair to blame Ted Cruz for being an insufferable, arrogant prig as a college freshman; lots of college freshmen are insufferable prigs. The difference is that most people grow out of it. Whereas Ted Cruz seems to have arrived at adulthood in a fully formed bubble of self-serving, mean-spirited ideology, and with absolutely no empathy or emotional intelligence or willingness to listen to other people or learn from life experience. And he’s stayed that way ever since.

Ted Cruz is Too Big of a Jerk for the 2016 Republican Party

The Republican Party in 2016, at this point, is basically a hate group – the Ku Klux Klan with better spelling. But even for this party of gun fetishists, misogynists, race-baiters, gay-bashers, immigrant-haters, torture-lovers, paranoid conspiracy theorists, and right-wing Christians actively praying for the apocalypse to smite our sinful fornicating souls with a world-destroying inundation of righteous hellfire, Ted Cruz is too much of a jerk.

Republicans hate Ted Cruz. They think he’s rude, self-serving, ineffectual, and self-aggrandizing – even by the standards of Senators (he once read “Green Eggs and Ham” from the Senate floor during a pointless all-night filibuster about God knows what). He damages the interests of his own party and disregards the rules of decorum in the Senate to pander to his Tea Party base. He makes dinosaurs like Orrin Hatch and Lindsay Graham, and half-human/half-turtles like Mitch McConnell, look like models of restraint, enlightenment and visionary leadership for the 21st Century.

Ted Cruz Is Too Big of a Jerk for George W. Bush

Even George W. Bush doesn’t like Ted Cruz. And if you’re a Republican, it takes a lot to get George W. Bush to dislike you­—this man was possibly the most disastrously incompetent president in American history, the guy who never met an incompetent, toadying employee he didn’t like! The man who stuck with Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense, long after he had lost all credibility! The man who thought disgraced FEMA Director Michael Brown was doing a “heck of a job” in the criminally incompetent federal response to Hurricane Katrina! The man who declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq when the quagmire was just barely getting started!

Ted Cruz was also too big of a jerk to get a job in the George W. Bush White House—and remember: this was a White House so full of jerks that their Vice President once shot a man in the face.

Ted Cruz’s Marriage is Bizarre

Ted Cruz met his wife Heidi in 2000 while they were both working on George W. Bush’s presidential campaign, which sounds like the world’s least romantic place to try to meet someone to date, other than a Turkish prison, a 19th Century syphilis ward, or a Carnival “poop cruise” ship full of backed-up toilets.

(Side note: Who in their right mind would go on a cruise? It seems like every single cruise ship nowadays inevitably ends up capsizing, suffering outbreaks of norovirus, or drifting helplessly out to sea with no plumbing while the passengers get slathered in each other’s urine and excrement. No thanks! I’ll stay here on dry land, where the only risk of norovirus is at Chipotle)

And right after their honeymoon, Ted Cruz went out and immediately bought 100 cans of soup. Because that’s totally a normal thing that normal human beings who are not aliens do.

And Ted Cruz sings, very badly, to his wife. (I would usually feel bad about making fun of his singing voice, but he’s a horrible person who is grasping after the highest office in America where he would have the power to ruin millions of lives – NO MERCY.)

Ted Cruz Can’t Dress Himself

None of Ted Cruz’s clothes fit him right. He dresses like his body has no shape. He dresses like his clothes are trying to shrug their way off of him and escape from his body and run away squealing with disgust. He looks like he’s wearing suits that were pilfered from corpses in funeral home caskets. When he’s wearing a trench coat, he looks like he’s actually three ten-year-old-kids hiding under the coat to try to sneak into an R-rated movie.

Ted Cruz’s Face is Weird and Creepy

Now for the science! Ted Cruz’s face is scientifically proven to be creepy and wrong-looking. As Dr. Richard E. Cytowic, a neurologist, writes in Psychology Today:

It’s hard to look at Ted Cruz’s face. He’s said to be a brilliant orator with a sharp legal mind. But his expression unsettles me. I understand that my reaction is visceral and automatic, but as a neurologist it is my business to notice things out of the ordinary and probe them. The Senator’s atypical expressions leave me uneasy.

Ted Cruz’s face doesn’t move in the usual ways of human social behavior, and as a result, it leaves many people feeling unsettled, or as the scientific term says: “skeeved out.” Humans tend to learn how to read other people’s faces and expressions as part of our basic socialization and as part of our process of learning how to trust. But Ted Cruz’s face seems untrustworthy and unlikable because he doesn’t smile right—his mouth moves in odd directions and conveys a different message than his rhetoric. With Cruz, we don’t know what’s real and what’s an act. How can we trust him as president if he can’t smile with his eyes Is he a real human being, or a robot with hyper-realistic skin? Is he wearing someone else’s face as a mask? Who knows??

Ted Cruz could make history as America’s first Cyborg Humanoid Uncanny Valley-Looking President. Science!

Lots of People Think That Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer

Sigh. Just Google it.

Lots of people on the Internet think that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, a serial killer who terrorized Northern California in the 1960s and 1970s, and who was never identified or captured.

A Public Policy Polling Florida poll in February 2016 found that “38% of Florida voters think it’s possible that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. 10% say he for sure is, and another 28% say that they are just not sure.”

However, Ted Cruz is definitely not the Zodiac Killer—he was not yet born when the first Zodiac crimes were committed. But doesn’t it speak poorly of Cruz’s character that so many people believe that he COULD be the Zodiac Killer??? Do we really want our next president to be so plausible as a serial killer that lots of people think he committed multiple murders as a toddler?

Let’s give the last word to Ted Cruz’s old roommate, Craig Mazin, who tweeted:

Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer actually got things done.

I spent way too much time researching this article. But that’s OK, because it was a labor of love—my love of hating Ted Cruz. Don’t you see, America??? We’ve all been distracted by Trump’s racist clown show, while the real threat was lurking in the sloppily dressed, uncanny-faced, serial killer-looking form of Ted Cruz!

In conclusion: Don’t vote for Ted Cruz, and Craig Mazin is a national hero.