Did Ted Cruz's Father Help Kill JFK? "Probably," Says Trump

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Probable Zodiac Killer and noted spanking enthusiast Ted Cruz has thus far managed to dodge some of the shadier aspects of his personal history, but this one may finally bring him down: In all likelihood, his father helped Lee Harvey Oswald kill JFK in Dallas.

This shocking news comes from none other than Donald Trump, who raised the issue in a phone interview with Fox News.

“You know, his father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being, you know, shot,” Trump said on Tuesday. “I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this?...Right prior to his being shot and nobody even brings it up. I mean, they don’t even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it…I mean what was he doing with – what was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, I mean, before the shooting? It’s horrible.”

Trump’s evidence comes from The National Enquirer, a beacon of journalistic integrity that last week ran a story claiming that Rafael Cruz, Ted’s father, was the man next to Lee Harvey Oswald in New Orleans in this 1963 photograph, taken months before the assassination:

OswaldCruz.jpg

Now, look, maybe you’re a little cynical. A photograph taken months before the assassination is different from “right prior to his being shot,” as Trump claimed. And yeah, maybe there’s no real evidence beyond The Enquirer that the man in question is Rafael Cruz, and maybe their whole “proof” is some dude named Mitch Gladstone who works for a “digitizing photo service” who said that the man has “more similarity than dissimilarity” to Rafael Cruz. And fine, maybe the Miami Herald has pointed out several flaws in the theory. And, look, you’re probably going to bring up that the Enquirer has been running non-stop Trump propaganda, and that there’s no reason to trust this latest smear.

To all of which I say, WAKE UP SHEEPLE. After all, since we know Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, where do you think he learned his dark arts? From the old man!

Here was Cruz’s response, in which he sarcastically admitted his dad not only killed JFK, but was also Elvis Pressley and had Jimmy Hoffa buried in his backyard:

Cruz brought up the connection between Trump and Enquirer CEO David Pecker, and called this latest effort “another garbage story in a tabloid full of garbage.”

“Trump is detached from reality, and his false, cheap, meaningless comments every day indicate his desperation to get attention and willingness to say anything to do so,” his campaign spokesperson, Catherine Frazier, said. “We are campaigning on jobs freedom and security while Trump campaigns on false tabloid garbage. And the media is willfully enabling him to cheapen the value of our democratic process.”

Which is all well and good. But as the Enquirer’s May 5 cover boldly declared,
“Ted Cruz Father Now Linked to JFK Assassination!” And until we get a reasonable explanation, I’m going to assume it was Rafael Cruz backing up his good buddy Lee Harvey on that ole grassy knoll.

Final note: We know it’s been said before, but sweet, sweet God, this is a weird election cycle.

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