Ted Cruz Liked a Porn Video & Life Is Beautiful Again

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Ted Cruz Liked a Porn Video & Life Is Beautiful Again

Ha.

Ah ha ha ha.

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha.

Ted Cruz liked a porn video. Oh, sweet heavenly Cracker Barrel and all its servants, it is too much. Ted Cruz liked a porn video. I haven’t copy and pasted this sentence. I have typed it repeatedly, because I want to feel the joy of these letters falling under my fingers many times. Not just once. But again. And again. Oh, I didn’t think it would be this good. The sweetest moment of all. Ted Cruz, who received James Dobson’s backing during his campaign, liked a porn video on Twitter.

According to USA Today:

Overnight, the Texas Republican’s Twitter account favorited a tweet featuring hardcore pornography. Later that morning, the senator told reporters that the like was “inadvertent” and a “mistake” caused by several people having access to the account. “There are a number of people on the team that have access to the account and it appears that someone inadvertently hit the like button,” he said, according to NBC News.

Ted Cruz liked a porn video.

God, that felt good to type. Let me try that again.

Ted.
Cruz.
Liked.
A.

(Here comes the best part. I am now taking a sip of my coffee, to ready myself to type these words)

Porn video.

It’s not a shocker that men love porn. Even oleaginous, swollen-faced, beetle-infested Senators love porn. A large section of the masculine population of this God-blessed Republic is currently in the process of being divorced and unchurched because of porn addiction. It’s right up there with Fentanyl as a concern.

Except for where there’s addiction, liking porn is not problem. Human beings, like their closest cousins the bonobos, really dig sex: having it, and watching it. As a species, we honestly will have sex for any reason. It’s our calling card as a species—more than war or tool-use. And so, porn is not shameful.

What is so delicious about this is that it’s Ted Cruz—the great repellent hope of far-right social conservatism— a man who is loathsome and judgmental above all things—liking a porn video.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Ted Cruz’s porn habit is not disgraceful. It is delightful. I am from Texas. I didn’t think there could be anything sweeter than my bigoted, backwards, unspeakable Senator getting his ass kicked by Trump.

There is now.

Ted Cruz liked a porn video.

Last night in Atlanta, Irma’s aftereffects washed over us. My house has been without power for twenty-one hours now. But Ted Cruz has liked a porn video, and all discomfort has come out in the wash. As the song says, birds flying high, you know how I feel. Sun in the sky, you know how I feel.

Ted Cruz liking porn should not surprise anyone. We have testimony from his college roommate that the man was a constant and reliable creeper. The preachy faker is a great tradition in American politics.

Cruz was a special case, though. You could smell the hypocrisy and the vileness emanating from this man a mile off. He’s Uriah Heep, he’s an opera villain. Used car salesman are more trusted, snake-oil dealers are more reliable. The word “slimy” never seemed adequate to describe him. Narcissist was too clinical. When Cruz smiles, he retreats his lip up over his upper mandible, but the grin never reaches his eyes. His manner doesn’t help: during the campaign, he was too smooth by half. Empty piety leaked out of one side of his mouth, and culture war seeping out the other. The sign “phony” hovers over Cruz’s his head a mile high.

He’s so obviously, clearly a fake—if Sméagol graduated Harvard—that he made Trump somehow likable by comparison. Everything Cruz has ever done has set us up for this big reveal. Even the loathsome Freedom Caucus hates him. He shut down the government to draw attention to himself. The Senate can’t stand him, and he’s in his first term. He called transgender protections “political correctness on steroids,” and said Obama’s transgender policies would “let teenage boys shower with teenage girls.” He’s a two-dollar bigot; he may not believe in anything, except the glory of Ted Cruz.

I understand how ironic the world can be. But sometimes, friends … sometimes the story plays out just as you thought it would. I feel confident stating that Donald Trump will not surprise us with a sudden mastery of the Latin Vulgate. That’s not who he is.

In the same way, it was inevitable Cruz would disappoint his backers. Take it from someone who grew up in West Texas: Nobody sows wild oats like a preacher’s son. He’s a con man from top to bottom. His lust for hardcore pornography might be the sincerest fact about the man. It makes total narrative sense that at this point in the play, Cruz would be revealed as a hypocrite. Of course he is.

Cruz is a type so obvious that even Spielberg would be ashamed to slot him into a picture. Daytime TV would consider him too blatant a villain. About half of my friends are conservative, and many of them find him repellent on a subconscious, reptilian level—the way spiders and snakes are instinctively dreadful to infants. I understand, for I feel the same way. Honestly, we should be proud of Ted for enjoying human sex. If Cruz had favorited a coital video of centipedes getting it on, I would be nauseated, but not at all surprised. Standing naked before the world, this is Ted Cruz. Ain’t love the sweetest thing?

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