Last night, the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican presidential nomination took the stage in Detroit to yell at and insult each other. There were a few substantive remarks spread throughout the evening, but in this year’s race, it should be obvious to everyone that those moments don’t matter. Every time John Kasich spoke, for instance, it was like a fun circus being interrupted by a man reading an IRS manual.
So today, we’ll pay homage to three of the greatest substance-free moments from the debate. This will be the only recap you need.
1. Donald Trump Defended the Size of His Penis
Out the campaign trail, Marco Rubio has taken the fight to Donald Trump, who calls him “Little Marco.”
“He always calls me ‘Little Marco,’” said Rubio, at one stop. “And I’ll admit that he’s taller than me, he’s like 6’2”. Which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who’s 5’2”. Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands…you can’t trust them.”
Trump, having heard this veiled insult of his penis size, wanted to be sure that America knew he didn’t have a small penis. Within seven minutes, he made his point:
2. Ted Cruz Ate a Booger
Please don’t watch this video. It’s literally a video of Ted Cruz eating a booger.
Please don’t watch this close-up video. It’s also a video of Ted Cruz eating a booger, but from a much closer angle. If you didn’t take my advice in the video above, and are regretting it, please listen to me now. Don’t watch this video.
3. Marco Rubio Made a Very Funny, Off-the-Cuff Joke
Most jokes in presidential debates are rehearsed, and even when they’re funny, you can bet they’ve been written ahead of time by someone other than the candidate. Also, they usually take an agonizing amount of set-up. That was not the case last night, when Ted Cruz decided he would patronize Donald Trump by telling him to “breathe” every time he interrupted. Further context: Earlier in the evening, Trump had defended his changing policies by saying he was politically “flexible,” and that this was a good thing.
Using these two pieces of information, Marco Rubio made one pretty good joke, and one very good joke:
Paste thanks you for staying informed and playing your role in the American democratic process by reading this post. Good day.