The Wit and Wisdom of Ted Lasso: His 10 Greatest Quotes

Following his triumphant return on Friday, we now have two full videos of legendary coach Ted Lasso (Jason Sudeikis) dishing out quotable nuggets of gold as he gets to grips with soccer.

From the geography of the United Kingdom to who killed Kennedy, here are the short-shorted hero’s 10 most memorable musings.

10. “Will you explain to me how that was offside? No! I’m asking you. Seriously! Explain offside to me. It makes no sense.”

No one is really sure, Ted. We all just pretend like we know.

9. “Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.”

This is absolutely the wisest statement ever to come out of the mouth of Ted Lasso.

8. “I’m looking forward to the definition of relegation.”

rel·e·ga·tion noun
What probably should have happened to the Washington Redskins last season.

7. “Come on Rob! You gotta get it in there to get three points!”

Evidently, Diego Costa more or less forgot this rule immediately upon donning the jersey of the Spanish national team.

6. “I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside. [long pause] It was the mob.”

One year later and he still isn’t any closer to figuring out offside. This almost earned the #1 spot, simply because he managed to get Tim Howard to break (no one at the 2014 World Cup could do the same).

5. “Ties and no playoffs? Why do you even do this?”

4. “If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at three o’clock everyday … about a year ago … I would have punched you in the mouth.”

3. “In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. 1) You gotta play physical. 2) you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle and 3) you gotta be sponsored by a Middle-Eastern airline.”

2. Coach: “Manchester United. Super rich. Everyone either loves them or hates them.”
Lasso: “Dallas Cowboys.”
Coach: “Liverpool. Used to be great. Haven’t won a title in a really long time.”
Lasso: “Also the Dallas Cowboys.”

I have watched this video roughly 400 times, and this line has never not made me laugh.

1. “How many countries are in this country?”