Embrace the Weird and Make Your Private Calls Without Fear With Hushme

Are you tired of stepping out for private phone calls like a person? Are you afraid of people listening in on your conversations with your mom? Do you wish there was some way to make your already-problem-ridden life just a little bit easier? Do you want to look like a Silicon Valley version of Hannibal Lecter? Well, look no further, you creep, because the future is now: introducing Hushme, the “world’s first voice mask for mobile phones.”

Hushme is a new tech oddity/Halloween costume that allows you to talk in privacy publicly, by suppressing your voice via an “ergonomic, stylish” face mask. You will have no problem communicating with whoever (and this better be the most important person on the planet) is on the other end of the phone thanks to the microphone built into the mask, and you’ll be able to hear their voice through the headphones attached. So any fears of various spies from the government, the Illuminati or the Church of Scientology listening in to your phone conversations can now be stilled, as those who have too much money and way too much time have heard your anxiety-ridden pleas for help.

Is that really not enough? Seriously? Okay, fine, you can play noises through the speakers to further muffle your speech. Like the ocean, wind, rain or birds or whatever. And of course, why not a Darth Vader wannabe with the worst case of wet mouth you’ve ever heard? You already look like a villain—why not breathe slightly similar to one? But seriously, the Google Glass effect is in play here, meaning any important information that your conversation might hold will likely pale in comparison to you looking like a buffoon. Plus, your mouth and chin area is going to get all sweaty. It can’t be worth it. Please don’t buy this. Or do, and send us footage of you trying to put it on. Because we think that would be pretty funny.

Hushme is still in the developmental stages, looking for any form of crowdsourcing it can find, because robbing banks would be too obvious. Check out the video embedded below, narrated by a man with a mouth full of marbles, and if you’re interested in hearing that horrific Darth Vader impression, click on the Vader icon here.