The 25 Best Tom Haverford Quotes

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15. Investment Ideas

“Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.” (Episode 3.13, “The Fight”)

14. Hip

“Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don’t have the heart to tell them what’s gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.” (Episode 2.14, “Leslie’s House”)

13. Art

“I have no interest in art. Let me clarify: I have no interest in non-nude images.” (Episode 2.9, “The Camel”)

12. Basketball Players

“I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.” (Episode 5.11, “Women in Garbage”)

11. Crazy

“She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah man. Turns out, she’s crazy’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.” (Episode 3.3, “Time Capsule”)

10. Classy

“I want to open up my own club one day. Maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.” (Episode 2.17, “Woman of the Year”)

9. Innovation

“Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.” (Episode 4.5, “Meet ‘n Greet”)

8. Divorce

“Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.” (Episode 2.11, “Tom’s Divorce”)

7. High Road

“I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.” (Episode 2.8, “Ron and Tammy”)

6. A&E

“If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.” (Episode 5.7, “Leslie vs. April”)