Last night, FoxNews hosted the first Republican primary debate in Cleveland, featuring a sensible number of candidates.
Just kidding, there were ten of them. And almost immediately, it became awkward—the candidates didn’t walk out on cue, and when they did, they stood in a row like beauty pageant contestants while the audience ogled them. Even the FoxNews hosts couldn’t hid their discomfort; the word “awkward” was uttered about 15 times in two minutes. It was a true political meat market, and at that moment, I knew I was in for a great two hours.
“I owed over $100,000 just four years ago.”
17. Multiple Nicknames
Jeb Bush, Governor from Florida:
“In Florida they call me Jeb, because I earned it…they call me Veto Corleone.”
16. Legal Interpretations
Chris Wallace, Fox Host:
“Here’s what you said: “They broke the law, but it’s not a felony. It’s an act of love.”
15. Economic Advice
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“If Iran was a stock, you folks should go out and buy it right now.”
14. Decorative Features
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“We need to build a wall…I don’t mind having a big beautiful door in that wall.”
13. Ending the Pro-Lender Propaganda Once and For All
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“First of all, these lenders are not babies. These are total killers. These are not the nice, sweet little people you think. You’re living in a world of make-believe.”
12. America’s Wonderful Diversity
Mike Huckabee, former Governor from Arkansas:
“The money paid at consumption is paid by everybody, including illegals, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers…”
11. This was Once a Great Country
Chris Christie, Governor from New Jersey:
“Those are the hugs I remember.”
10. What?
Scott Walker, Governor from Wisconsin:
“When you find mush, you push.”
9. Brutal Dystopia
Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas:
”…instead of ripping up their body parts and selling them like they’re parts of a Buick.”
8. Political PDAs
Rand Paul, Senator from Kentucky:
“I know you gave him a big hug, and if you want to give him a big hug again, you go right ahead.”
7. Mystical Patriotism
John Kasich, Governor from Ohio:
“America is a miracle country.”
6. Politics Also Applies to Life
Mike Huckabee, former Governor from Arkansas:
“When someone points a gun at your head and loads it, by God, you ought to take them seriously!”
5. Deities, Part One
Megyn Kelly, Fox Commentator:
“You defended your Medicaid expansion by invoking God.”
4. Deities, Part Two
Ben Carson, Neurosurgeon:
“I think God’s a pretty fair guy.”
3. Breaking News
John Kasich, Governor from Ohio:
“Guess what? I just went to a wedding of a friend of mine who happens to be gay.”
2. Getting Down to the Real Issues
Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida:
“The problem is, if El Chapo builds a tunnel under the fence, we need to deal with that too.”
1. True Power
Donald Trump, Businessman:
“I’ll tell you what…with Hillary Clinton, I said ‘be at my wedding,’ and she came to my wedding. You know why? She had no choice.”
And lastly, a bonus that doubled as my favorite quote of the night:
Chronology
Rand Paul, Senator from Kentucky:
“The fourth amendment was what we fought the Revolution over!”
