The golden age of television has brought us some compelling dramas about bad men in a tough world. Our favorite: the GOP debates.
It exposed the hypocrisy behind American businessmen like Mad Men; asked troubling societal questions like The Wire; and featured more gruesome exits than Game of Thrones.
As we approach the series finale, there are lingering questions, like who will survive the bloody final battle: Donald Trump or America? And what about all of the friends we made along the way—what happens to those guys, like Jeb, Doc and Little Marco? They may not all win in the end, but that doesn’t mean their story has to be over. We’re hoping to see a tasteful spin-off that complements the journey we just went on, like a Better Call Saul to the Breaking Bad that was the GOP debates. And to help Hollywood out, here are a few pitches.
1. Jeb Bush: Nobody Loves Jeb!
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Jeb’s dumb doughy face and irrepressible earnestness makes him perfect for a traditional sitcom on CBS.
The premise will be based on his real-life—he’s a guy who lost everything and now has to move back in with his parents, George and Barbara, while putting up with his dim-witted younger brother W., who won’t stop teasing him over being the only Bush to run for president and lose. Eventually, the studio audience will itself become a character when Jeb eventually cracks and starts screaming for everyone to please, please clap, just for once, please fucking clap. We’ll pan to reveal the studio audience has been mannequins the entire time and cut to black. That’s how every single episode ends.
2. Ben Carson: Dr. Ben
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A medical drama starring Ben Carson? Sounds like a sure-fire success to us, eh networks?
Here’s how we see it: Dr. Carson is an amnesiac surgeon who might be mentally handicapped. He wanders throughout the hospital utterly confused at all times. The opening titles tell us he once separated conjoined twins and he will mention this at least once per scene, too. Each episode will culminate in a dramatic surgery. First, Dr. Ben will save the hospital money on anesthesia by using the natural rhythm of his voice to lull patients into a deep sleep. Then, Dr. Ben will spend the entire surgery indignantly asking the other doctors why they aren’t paying enough attention to him despite his contributing nothing.
3. Dennis Kasich: 11:00 News WBNS-TV in Columbus, Ohio
Kasich should host the local news in Ohio. He’s boring and pedantic, like local news. Water finds its level. That’s what’s happening here.
4. Marco Rubio: Late Night with Marco Rubio
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Marco might not win any battleground states but with his boyish charm he’s a much more natural fit for the lip sync battles.
He’s already developed his “thing” for the monologue; anytime he told a good zinger during the debates, he followed it up with his trademark broad smile and a little chortle. How long did it take Johnny Carson to find the “swinging the golf club” bit? So really, Marco’s already ahead of the game. Maybe add a little shadowboxing to go along with it to flesh out the “Scrappy-Doo told a funny” vibe he’s got going. Best of all, late night sets always have coffee mugs filled with water available, just in case Li’l Marc-Marc ever gets thirsty.
5. Chris Christie: Making a Murderer Season 2
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Have you looked at Christie’s eyes since he endorsed Trump? This is a broken man. It’s only a matter of time.
6. Ted Cruz: Please God, Don’t Let Ted Cruz Anywhere Near Me!
Ted Cruz is a terrifying creep whose idea of love is virtually indistinguishable from stalking. That’s why this reality show competition will wring real-life drama out of escaping from the clutches of the goblin.
Pitched as The Bachelor meets The Amazing Race, this show follows a group of women who all have to run to the ends of the earth to avoid Ted Cruz’s attempts at spending time with them. Contestants will include Ted Cruz’s wife, children and anyone he’s ever looked at for more than 10 seconds. In fact, new contestants will be added to the show based on where Ted Cruz is at that exact moment. It’s essentially like Ted Cruz has a restraining order placed on him by the entire human race, which is what he deserves.
7. Donald Trump: The State of the Union Address
Grant Pardee is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. Follow him on Twitter.