Defending Batman v Superman, by an Angry 13 Year Old

By Grant Pardee  |  March 28, 2016 | 4:00pm
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Defending Batman v Superman, by an Angry 13 Year Old

Author’s Note:
I took my (very real and not made up) 13-year-old nephew to a screening of Batman v Superman yesterday, and although I thought it was a jumbled mess, he felt very strongly that the film was brilliant and misunderstood. He agreed to explain his thoughts in detail for Paste. He drank two Mountain Dew Code Reds during the course of our conversation which technically he isn’t supposed to have but I couldn’t stop him because “I’m not his dad.”

Dweebs keep being like “oh this movie is too dark, it’s not fun like Marvel movies.” Hey, here’s a newsflash: Marvel movies are for stupid babies. Dark movies like Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice are for sophisticated adults and me. I’m currently suspended from school because of my hilarious bomb joke.

Here are my favorite parts of the movie. Duh, there’s going to be SPOILERS, butthead.

1. It Made Tons Of Sense

Dweebs keep being like “oh the movie was confusing.” Well here’s an idea — pay attention! And use your brain. I paid attention and used my brain the whole time and I understood every single thing and I never had a problem with it and I don’t need to ask anyone about it.

It’s not the movie’s fault you’re stupid and can’t do long division or know fractions.

2. There’s CUSSES

Batman said “shit” in this movie. It was one of my favorite parts. I got detention for a week after I called my teacher a “shithead” because he was trying to make me do a problem at the board and I didn’t feel like it. It was so shitting cool.

Remember when Batman said “Tell me: do you bleed?” And then Superman looked at him like “what” then flew off and Batman was like “YOU WILL” and I was like “ohhhhh, shit!” and I didn’t get in trouble. That was cool.

3. Characters Do Whatever They Want, Just Like Me

I love that the characters don’t follow logic. They break the rules, just like me. They’re bad boys.

Some dweebs are being all “waaah, Batman shoots and kills a lot of people” but how cool is that, that you can be Batman and also kill a lot of people? It’s 2016, you can be both.

Making sense is for boring dweebs. In Man of Steel, Pa Kent tells Superman he shouldn’t be a hero and dies for it, but in this one, he’s remembered as the guy that told Superman to be a hero. Cool. Lex Luthor wants Batman or Doomsday to kill Superman because he just kinda feels like doing it. Lex is a great villain, he can do whatever he want. And when I wet the bed it’s just because I just feel like it. Deal with it, society.

4. It Was So Dark

Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman’s mom!!! That’s really dark. And Batman’s mom got killed, that’s why his origin is the darkest one. Moms are important and if someone is threatening them you gotta say “no, you’re not gonna kill my mom.” That’s what being an adult man is about.

In old corny versions of Superman, he does dumb cartoon shit like saving Lois Lane from falling off buildings. This movie is dark and relevant so Superman saves her from The Middle East War. He also saves her from falling off a building.

It was awesome because it was dark and it was dark because it was awesome. Anytime colors show up, you can tell they’re sort of embarrassed to be there. That’s because colors are for stupid babies. Grown-ups like things to be dark and gray. I don’t know why we don’t get recess anymore in middle school but I did find my dad’s old hunting knife and I’m teaching myself some tricks.

5. The Politics Were Good And Smart

In school we talk about the three branches of government, and this movie has Superman talking to Congress, our legislative branch. That makes the movie more realistic because Congress is real and if Superman were real, he’d probably have to do government stuff.

Remember in the beginning of the movie how 9/11 happened because of Superman? Then he went to war in the Middle East. The whole time I was nodding like “yeah I get it, that’s like stuff in the news.” There was tons of 9/11 in this movie and that’s smart because today we have lots of them, I was born 2 years after the first one.

Did you know Batman says things that Dick Cheney said? That means a Vice President was kind of like Batman, and that’s a smart observation because they’re both, like, in charge. I can relate, one time I put a pile of dirt between two slices of bread and forced a kid to eat it.

6. It Was A Brilliantly Esoteric Deconstruction Of The Superhero Paradigm

Duh, dweebs!

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