Why Donald Trump is Worse Than Hitler

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It’s become common in recent months, during this long national nightmare of a presidential race, for people to compare Donald Trump to Hitler. Noam Chomsky did it, Louis C.K. did it, and so did several Mexican politicians, and if you do a Google search for “Trump is Hitler,” you get 27.4 million results. But despite their shared penchant for demagoguery and racist rhetoric, it’s not entirely fair to compare Trump to Hitler. Because if you really look at a point-by-point breakdown of Trump vs. Hitler, in a lot of important ways, Trump is actually WORSE than Hitler.

Career Success

Trump: Although he claims to be a world-historic savvy businessman, the truth is, Donald Trump mostly sucks at business. He didn’t build his business from the ground up; he inherited $200 million and then went on to underperform the S&P 500. He would have been better off today if he had put his inheritance into low-cost index funds, instead of jetting around on all of these pointless business trips. Oh, and also he’s had a long list of embarrassing business failures. Oh, and his wealth has grown at a much lower rate than lots of other billionaires—even if Trump really IS as wealthy as he claims, his wealth still isn’t impressive when you consider where he started from and compare him to other people in his class. Forget his self-proclaimed image as a genius businessman—technically, Trump is a prodigal son who has dedicated his life to mis-allocating his daddy’s fortune.

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Hitler: Hitler was a self-made man! Hitler was born into humble circumstances in a rural Austrian village, and his father was a struggling farmer turned civil servant. Instead of living off the wealth of his parents, Hitler made his own way in the world!

ADVANTAGE: Hitler

Interpersonal Skills

Trump: Donald Trump is a charisma-free, bloviating, grotesque vision of late-middle-aged white male decline. Everything he says and does is tacky and gross. He even orders his steaks well done, to the point that they “rock on the plate.” Donald Trump is the living incarnation of an all-white country club men’s locker room full of beer farts. Just as Newt Gingrich was a stupid person’s idea of an intellectual, Donald Trump is a stupid person’s idea of how a rich, powerful person should behave. He is living proof that money cannot buy good taste—and meanwhile, he’s constantly grasping for attention and insisting upon how rich and influential and popular he is. How nouveau riche is that? Déclassé all the way!

Hitler: Hitler had charisma! German people who witnessed Hitler’s rise to power often remarked about how charming he was, and what a great public speaker he was, and how polite he was to his secretaries. (Yikes! Germany in the 1930s must have been a pretty bleak place, if Hitler—a pasty, cranky, childless middle-aged bachelor with a pubic hair mustache—was considered to be “cool” and charismatic.)

ADVANTAGE: Hitler

Sense of Style

Trump: Donald Trump has a disgusting combover that defies description. It allegedly consists entirely of Trump’s own natural hair. Even if Trump’s other stylistic choices were the sexiest thing since JFK, his combover alone would still be such a world-historic affront to basic concepts of style and human decency that it should disqualify him from public office. Trump’s combover is the Hitler mustache of hairstyles.

Hitler: The Nazis had style! Aside from race-hate and mass death, aesthetics were at the very center of the Nazi project. Think of all those handsome Hugo Boss uniforms and all those sleek trenchcoats! And Hitler and Albert Speer had big plans to transform the architecture of Berlin into “World Capital Germania” after the war. Their show-stopping designs would have made Trump Tower look like a pile of garbage. Hitler was a mass murdering, racist, absolute unforgivable failure of a human being, but you’ve gotta admit—he did have an eye for design!

ADVANTAGE: Hitler

Public Policy

Trump: Donald Trump seems to have absolutely no idea how the fundamental aspects of government work and is largely clueless about foreign policy; his entire campaign is basically a series of baseless boasts and petty insults. Trump seems to think that politics and foreign policy work just like a business, and it’s all a matter of getting the right smart guys in there to make better deals. But the world isn’t run like a business—it’s much more complicated than business. And again, as noted above, Trump is bad at business.

Hitler: Hitler did spend quite a lot of time thinking about foreign policy, planning to administer the machinery of government, and cultivating a coherent political worldview! Hitler was evil and wrong about everything, but hey, he did his homework!

ADVANTAGE: Hitler

Marriage and Family

Trump: Donald Trump has been married 3 times and says sexually creepy stuff about his own daughter. His sons look like Adam Sandler movie villains.

Hitler: Hitler stayed faithfully married to one woman, Eva Braun. They enjoyed approximately two days of marital bliss together, before killing themselves in an underground bunker. Hitler and his wife decided not to have children, partly because they were just a few hours away from being captured and killed by the Red Army, and also because Hitler had a weird penis. Hitler had the worst marriage ever, but at least it ended quickly.

ADVANTAGE: Hitler

See? When you really take a closer look at the situation, Trump is actually, somehow, worse than Hitler.

Hopefully no one thinks that I’m actually praising or admiring Hitler with this article, but just to be absolutely clear—I AM NOT PRAISING HITLER. Adolf Hitler was one of the worst human beings ever born; he was a disgraceful, murderous, whining, self-pitying, pill-popping narcissist and enemy of life itself, who, if there is any kind of benevolent higher power in the universe, is hopefully writhing in an unfathomable hell of soul-torture for all eternity. May his name be cursed for all time, may his image be a subject for mockery, and may his mustache forever be compared to pubic hair.

My goal in writing this piece is not to praise Hitler, but to unleash a merciless word-barrage of criticism upon Donald Trump, who, in his blustering, transparently insecure, greedy, macho, All-American way, really is a disgrace. He’s taken some of the worst aspects of Hitler’s rise to power and given them the greasy sheen of American reality TV garbage culture. He’s broken the world’s greatest democracy, and turned America’s presidential race into an altar for worshipping his own ego. He’s summoned ghosts of American politics that we had hoped were defeated forever, and he’s emboldened mobs of violence-seeking racist white people to run amok. If Donald Trump becomes the Republican nominee, innocent people are going to die.

Shame on Donald Trump for being born into so much privilege, and doing absolutely nothing good with it. In fact, it’s worse than that—hell, we’d be better off if Trump was doing nothing, if he was just sitting around in a mansion in Florida eating overcooked steaks and hanging out on his golf course for rich, gross Florida white guys. Instead, he’s doing something much worse—he’s using his media platform and his money to rile up the worst elements of America’s culture of white racial resentments and actively HURT people who are a lot less powerful than him. Even though Trump was born at the top of American society, with every advantage and every comfort in life, he still somehow acts angry and afraid, resentful and petty, because deep down, he knows that he’s a loser.

Like Hitler, Trump is a narcissistic bully and a coward, and like all cowards, his cowardice is based in a profound personal sense of his own fear and inadequacy, and his own inability to love and be loved. And most important of all, there is one way that Trump is exactly like Hitler—his political career will end in failure and disgrace.