The name “Colonel Sanders” is one of those nom de plumes that carries a particularly strong connotation of folksy Americana, an immediate visual pastiche of a chipper-looking old southern gentleman in a spotlessly white suit, bedecked by a coif of wavy, equally white hair. To the millennial consumer, it’s a face they’ve seen on every bucket of KFC chicken they’ve ever been served, but they simultaneously have less connection with the idea of the man behind the logo.
Because yes, for the record—Colonel Harland David Sanders was indeed a real human being, for those who need the clarification. He was born in 1890 Kentucky, and was made an honorary Kentucky Colonel (the most awesome state-based title one can have bestowed upon them) in 1935 by Governor Ruby Laffoon, five years before he finalized and began selling the “secret recipe” for what would become KFC. A savvy businessman with an innate understanding of how franchising could make him rich, Sanders built his chicken empire into a national force by the 1960s, before cashing out in 1964 and into semi-retirement.
However, that was hardly the end of “the Colonel” as a pop culture figure. In reality, the terms of his buyout of the company stated that Sanders would continue to appear as the product’s mascot in perpetuity, which included continuing to film KFC television commercials up to his death in 1980.
But wait, it’s not over! As it turns out, death could not claim this man’s image. KFC revived the Colonel as a character in 2015, in a move that was criticized by some for turning a real-life figure into a cartoonish spokesperson. However, given that the living Sanders family reportedly praised Darrell Hammond’s initial portrayal of Harland Sanders, I hardly feel that’s worth getting worked up about.
What we SHOULD get worked up about are all of the increasingly ham-handed Sanders characters that have come about since, including Friday’s announcement of Rob Lowe as the latest to wear the white suit. Watching the brand new commercial, I was struck by its exuberant awfulness. Lowe doesn’t appear to be trying in the slightest to put anything into his Sanders performance, which got us to thinking in the Paste office—of the nine comedians who have portrayed the man in a series of commercials since 2015, who did it best? And who did it worst? Read on, and find out.
9. Rob Lowe
The most recent Colonel also happens to be the worst of them all, mostly because he makes no effort to hide how blatantly he doesn’t care about making an attempt to portray the character. Even Dolph Ziggler, the pro wrestler directly above Lowe in this list, makes the world’s most basic attempt at mimicking the Colonel’s famous southern accent. Lowe, on the other hand, just handwaves that duty away and rattles on in his everyday speaking voice. He sounds exactly like his slick characters from Wayne’s World or Thank You For Smoking in this spot, as if they ambushed him on the street, dressed him up as Colonel Sanders and put some cue cards in front of his face with no time to prepare. Which is a shame, because the “sending chicken sandwiches to space” premise is pretty amusing on its own.
To reiterate: Rob Lowe is being beaten on this list by a full-time WWE wrestler. If it was John Cena, you’d give him a pass. But Dolph Ziggler? Ouch.
8. Dolph Ziggler
This one barely counts, but considering that they filmed a two-minute short film to sell chicken to wrestling crowds, we’ll still include it. Ziggler gets a few points for at least portraying an amusingly youthful and buff version of the Colonel, but his impression mostly sounds like your basic Foghorn Leghorn treatment, no more and no less. This is still enough to surpass Rob “give me my chicken check right now, please” Lowe, but that’s not saying much. If this was a superkick competition, Ziggler would probably come out on top (unless Jim Gaffigan is surprisingly nimble), but this guy’s strength is as a physical performer, not a chicken spokesman.
7. Vincent Kartheiser
’s young Pete portrayed the heartthrob “Nashville Colonel” as a parody of Buddy Holly-era rockabilly stars, which was a great idea except for the fact that Kartheiser really doesn’t appear “in the flesh” in any of the commercials. It’s almost impossible to rate his performance as a result—he’s just a youthful face on an album cover, useful for making a joke about young girls going wild for Nashville hot chicken, but of all the Colonels he’s obviously the most inconsequential. You can only shrug and move on to the next one.
6. George Hamilton
The ever-bronzed George Hamilton took on the role of the “extra crispy Colonel” over the course of last summer, becoming by far the elder statesman of the KFC spokesmen at 77 years old. His performance is fine—he has the vibe of a weathered, globe-trotting “most interesting Colonel in the world” from a KFC/Dos Equis crossover—but the entire campaign with Hamilton is simply based around a single physical joke. Equating the actor’s famously tanned face to “extra crispy” chicken isn’t a bad idea, but that’s all Hamilton’s take on the character has going for it, and he’s happy to saunter his way to a check for making the same joke he’s been making for decades. It’s fine, but low-effort.
5. Rob Riggle
On the surface, Riggle seems more or less like a perfect casting for a loud, aggressive, sort of hyperbolic take on the Colonel. In my mind’s eye, I can picture him harnessing the angry douchebag sycophant he played in Step Brothers and somehow bringing that kind of furious energy to Colonel Sanders in a funny way. In execution, though, Riggle is just okay. He seems to be holding back somewhat from completely unleashing his inner fire—I kind of want to see him just snap and go berserk on the players of his fictitious, chicken-themed football team, The Buckets. There’s a spark of something great here, but it didn’t quite get harnessed. If they’d taken the leash off Riggle, he probably could have been great.
4. Billy Zane
Billy Zane is practically unrecognizable as the “Golden Colonel,” a newer incarnation created to hawk the brand’s recent “Georgia Gold” chicken. Perhaps it’s just the fact that the man is solid gold, but Zane brings an ineffable sense of suave to the role; a low-key aura of competence, professionalism and control. This Colonel seems like he couldn’t be bothered by any of life’s annoyances, and he’ll beat you effortlessly at arm wrestling just to remind you that nothing can tarnish the brightness with which he shines. He loses a few points for not committing to the accent—much like Lowe, he’s mostly speaking with his typical voice—but it’s not as egregious, nor does the source seem to be a lack of interest on Zane’s part. He’s the most successful of all these guys in playing a laid-back, subtle version of the Colonel … ironic, considering that his gold-clad face is the most ostentatious of them all. In general, Zoolander said it best—“he’s a pretty cool dude.”
3. Norm Macdonald
Norm Macdonald had the most difficult task of these Colonels, because he was the first to replace a previous spokesman, which was inherently confusing to the audience. Still, Macdonald excelled in the role, choosing to portray the Colonel with silliness as his primary ally. He brought some amusing physical comedy to the role, and his commercials often thrust the Colonel into situations where he’s masquerading among the public “incognito”—I especially like the one with him evangelizing about chicken to a bunch of college kids, evoking obvious comparison to Steve Buscemi’s “How do you do, fellow kids?” scene from 30 Rock. He totally goes overboard with the absurdity of the accent, building it into a memorable parody all its own. He’s clearly unafraid to look silly at what he’s doing, and it works really well.
2. Jim Gaffigan
If you did a poll at the beginning of this ad campaign about what comedian should portray a new version of Colonel Sanders, I have to imagine that Gaffigan would have been a clear favorite. His shtick has cycled around unhealthiness and food for so long, it’s almost too obvious. But Gaffigan’s commercials transcend the obvious reasons for choosing him as a Colonel and instead harness some of the aspects that make Gaffigan such a lovable performer in general. His Colonel is gentle and neurotic, a worrier rather than Riggle’s loudmouth or Macdonald’s weirdo. He’s afraid of a world where he won’t be able to bring people delicious chicken, and his inherent teddy bear nature shines through the tropes of the Colonel to create a guy you just want to reassure and say “there there, it’ll be okay.” He’s like Winnie the Pooh as a chicken mascot, and I can’t help but laugh when he observes “Boy, I sure do have a lot of nightmares about chicken.”
1. Darrell Hammond
Hammond was the first guy brought in to play the new Colonel in 2015, and his initial portrayal received a lot of attention and criticism. He was unexpectedly slammed by old-timers who claimed the commercials were somehow going to “tarnish the legacy” of Harlan Sanders, and the portrayal itself was said by some to be “creepy.” But guess what? It’s also the best and most accurate of all of them—call it creepy or weird if you will, but only if you’re also acknowledging that the original Colonel wasn’t exactly a common character either—that’s what made him an iconic pitchman in the first place!
Hammond’s take on the Colonel is all about subtlety, and he put in plenty of work to make it that way. He was apparently hired by the company without any idea that he would be the first in a series of Colonels, and instead thought he might be portraying the character for years. As a result, he studied books about Sanders’ life and even met with his family to get their blessing and refine his impression. His dialog as Sanders as a result has a twinkling, rather impish sense of mischief to it—he seems like a guy with a screw or two loose, but in that “You have to meet this friend of mine, he’s a riot” sort of way. Who can forget his bizarre little ditty about “chicken in the bucket, chicken in the beans?” It’s the little touches that have always defined Hammond as an actor on his SNL years as well—it should be no surprise that a master of impressions is the best of the Colonel Sanders.
As a result, I can only conclude that Hammond was right to be pissed when KFC unexpectedly replaced him and began the chain of “imposter Colonels.” Even Norm Macdonald, the second Colonel agrees: “In my opinion, KFC made a big mistake replacing Darrell Hammond.” And he’s right.
NON-CANONICAL BONUS COLONEL: Randy Quaid
Between 1998 and 2001, a boisterous, hypkerinetic animated version of Colonel Sanders appeared in TV commercials, voiced by none other than Cousin Eddie himself, Randy Quaid. They’re equal parts frightening and hilarious. I’d like to believe that Quaid was paid entirely in chicken for these performances.
Jim Vorel is a Paste Magazine staff writer and fast food connoisseur. You can follow him on Twitter for more weird food scribbling.