Twee Fascists, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio's Left Eyebrow - Squawking Heads Recaps the Sunday Shows

Media Features Sunday Shows
Share Tweet Submit Pin
Twee Fascists, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio's Left Eyebrow - Squawking Heads Recaps the Sunday Shows

This week on Squawking Heads, I don’t have any earthly idea why we are still supposed to listen to and look at Newt Gingrich; the Department of Homeland Security has given up entirely his facade of not being a Bourne villain; and Mick Mulvaney has been reading The Secret and seems to think he can just speak his dreams into existence. Everyone lied their asses off this week because what is truth and who even needs it anymore.

Jeff Sessions and John Kelly Showcase Both High and Low-key Racism

Horrifyingly Twee Fascist Jeff Sessions and stereotypically antagonistic general from the West Wing John Kelly spent their mornings arguing for the inclusion of Border Wall funding in the federal budget. Sessions took the grandfatherly, quaint tactic of wrapping his bigotry in folksy aphorisms and aw shucks implications that there’s absolutely no reason not to support the wall.

“I know one thing,” Sessions said. “We need that wall. It will help us complete the promise that the president has made to the American people. That’s what they want. The American people, they have a right to expect it.”

He then spewed some erroneous, misleading facts about tax credits.

“I know there’s $4 billion a year in excess payments…tax credits that they shouldn’t get,” Sessions claimed. “Now, these are mostly Mexicans.”

Hey, wanna know something weird? It’s estimated that undocumented workers pay more than $12 billion in taxes every year. Wanna know something even weirder? This year, possibly because of this new administration’s blatant hostility towards undocumented workers and non-U.S. citizens, fewer of them are filing their taxes. In San Francisco, those numbers show a decrease of about 20% this year. Now, I’m not a math whiz, but I think losing over $12 billion—possibly up to $24 billion—in tax revenue, would dwarf the $4 billion that Jeff Sessions thinks is being snatched up by “mostly Mexicans.”

The interview somehow kept getting worse! George Stephanopoulos questioned Sessions about a statement he made earlier in the week. Appearing on the Mark Levin show, because that’s where we’re at as a nation, Sessions whined about the stop on the president’s Muslim ban.

“I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the president of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and constitutional power,” Sessions said.

That “island in the Pacific” is Hawaii. If you ever get a chance to go to Hawaii, you will quickly find out that the people there ha no real interest in being a part of the United States, since they see very few benefits from the mainland. For Sessions to then imply that Hawaii isn’t even like, really a state reeks of colonialism.

In response he said, “Nobody has a sense of humor anymore.

John Kelly then provided the soothing balm to Session’s concern about criminal Mexicans running amuck in the U.S. Just kidding! John Kelly is unhinged and thinks the only way we can protect ourselves is get rid of literally everyone who is not a born and bred American. Also, he doesn’t think there’s any way we can prevent homegrown terrorism.

There definitely are ways to prevent radicalization, starting with compassionate measures to include people within society instead of ostracizing them, giving them opportunities for growth and success outside of criminal elements, making sure they never reach a point where they feel so disenfranchised that they turn to violence. But John Kelly doesn’t give a shit about that! He’s out here “kicking the tires and looking behind the dumpsters” at the border to make sure none of these desperate families looking for better opportunities are able to get in!

Kelly was also pressed about the fear that getting rid of sanctuary cities will actually increase crimes as undocumented people will be too afraid to report crimes. When asked about whether an undocumented immigrant can report that they have been raped without fear of repercussions, Kelly said of course, unless they’re criminals. So if you are undocumented and have ever had any run-ins with the law, be it a DUI, possession of marijuana, anything, you’re just gonna have to suffer in silence after being assaulted. God bless America, right?

The New York Times published an incredible Opinion piece from their Editorial Board on John Kelly this week. It is worth the read. This man is terrifying.

Weekly Reminder That Trump’s America Still Exists

This Week had a couple fun feints toward “unbiased” coverage or away from facts, however you want to look at it. First they featured an interview with a dead-eyed white man who hosts an AM radio show in Ohio named Bill Cunningham. Cunningham started the interview off by referring to 45 as “the Trumpster.” Then I had a hard time hearing the rest of what he said because both my eyes and ears had started bleeding, it was so weird. I definitely heard lots of dog-whistley mentions of “coastal elites,” “normal Americans” and “real people” all delivered in a jovial tone of condescension.

Next up we had Newt Gingrich sucking all the air out of the room and the airtime out of the panel discussion. Personal anecdote: my “Politics in the Media” class traveled to Iowa for the 2012 Republican caucuses. The Newt Gingrich “campaign events” that my class attended were all held in a mostly vacant airplane hangars and were thinly veiled book signings for his wife’s recently published picture book. There was a person in an elephant costume. The man is a shameless, disgusting media whore and I don’t know why we’re still subjected to his presence.

But we are! And boy does he have thoughts! Again, it was hard to hear because I think my brain had liquified and seeped out of my body. But I heard him describe Hasaan Minhaj, comedian and host of the White House Correspondents Dinner, as “viciously anti-Republican, anti-Trump.” Then he described media coverage, in general, as a “war you guys make up.” I don’t know how many more examples I need of the blatant hypocrisy of the party of “liberal snowflakes” and manly, American values being so put-upon by comedians but this has now been added to the list.

Here is a selfie I took after this segment:

the-shining-elevator-blood-o.gif

Mick Mulvaney Says We Will Get Health Care and Tax Reforms Passed This Week

laughing-gifs-jonah-jameson.gif

Other Things I Did While Marco Rubio Talked

At this point I don’t believe anything Marco Rubio says and do not care about him any more. Here are things I did instead:

1. Read 3 reviews of the Juicero.

2. Tried to buy tickets to Kendrick Lamar’s show in Brooklyn only to realize they’re not on sale yet.

3. Learned that Amber Heard and Elon Musk are dating..

4. Looked at videos of Chance the Rapper playing with his baby.

5. Tried to figure out if I could make it through the day eating only popcorn and peanut butter on a spoon. I can!

All of that was a better use of my time than listening to Marco Rubio—who has, in his defense, learned to cock his left eyebrow in a way that makes him seem much more serious albeit in a cartoon-ish way.

Next week on Sqauwking Heads

Kzp8Rg.gif

Recently in Media