I Do Not Like the Sad Horse Show

I do not like the sad horse show.
I do not like it, though I know
It’s much-beloved; even so,
I do not like the sad horse show.

I do not like the sad horse guy.
I find his schtick does not surprise:
He won’t be kind or empathize;
He never learns, he hardly tries.

I get the point, that change is hard;
That happiness for many’s far
From simple; that we often are
No more than all our deepest scars.

And yet, come on, it’s not so deep.
It’s basic stuff the show repeats
In dialogue that tends to creep
Toward saying the subtext of the beat.

The jokes are great, I don’t deny –
The wordplay keen, the punning prime –
It’s when the tone turns dark that I
Can’t help but wince at every line.

The author’s voice is all too plain!
It’s weird how much the show explains
Its worldview o’er and o’er again
For what? To justify the pain

Its cast must suffer every day
In totally redundant ways,
The same betrayals, the same displays
Of vanity? It’s overplayed.

These characters don’t change, but do –
Within an episode, it’s true –
They’ll overcome a trial or two
And not a thing they learn accrues.

That’s fine! That’s how a sitcom goes.
But this is not that kind of show;
In drama’s frame, a sitcom’s tropes
Ought, I think, make way for growth.

It really really sucks, I mean,
To watch scene after painful scene
For pathos that’s no different than
The pathos we’ve already seen –

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Senseless lies, acts of spite,
Buried trauma brought to light;
Loved ones die, lovers fight;
There has to be some lasting price

For making people feel like shit.
With every cause must come effect,
Ordeals should consciousness beget
If sympathy’s what you expect

To earn. Or else it’s just, “Here, take
This pain; don’t mind me while I make
This mess I’ve made before and break
Your heart again, for breaking’s sake.”

To those who love the way that it
Reflects their pain, I would submit
Reflecting’s all it does, and with
An awful heavy hand, to wit.

(You could keep my uncle’s farmhouse warm
With every think piece that affirms
The sad horse _gets depression. Sure!
I just wish there were something more

Than “People? Well, they’re immature
And hurt each other, and endure
The worst this universe procures
And look – they still do not mature.”

‘Cause here’s the thing: they can! They do!
The dark part’s only half the truth.
It’s weird to see a story choose
One half and act like one is two.

“But all the jokes!” I know, I know.
Those aren’t a counterbalance, though –
Their target is the viewer, so
What change they make’s outside the show.)

I know I’m far outnumbered here;
My words will fall on hostile ears;
Yet still, at risk of being smeared
I say again to you, my peers:

I do not like the sad horse show.
I do not like it, though I know
It’s much-beloved; even so,
I do not like the sad horse show.

Seth Simons is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. Follow him on Twitter.