Look, the Jurassic Park/Jurassic World series has never exactly been grounded in reality. We know this; we accept this. These are speculative science fiction/action-adventures movies, and have been ever since Steven Spielberg wowed the masses and established entirely new standards for special effects with the 1993 original. But dear lord, I’m not sure we ever could have expected the series to get as absurd as the Jurassic World sequel is apparently about to be. This is some next level stupidity, right here.
The first details about the laughable plot of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom come to us via an Entertainment Weekly exclusive, whose writer we can only imagine was fighting back laughter when he was being told about the insane events that would be transpiring. Here’s the condensed version from that article:
Directed by J.A. Bayona (The Impossible, The Orphanage), the film returns YET AGAIN to Isla Nublar, thanks to a volcano on the island “that threatens the dinosaurs that had overrun the park at the end of the previous film.” It’s up to our lead characters from the last film, Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) to somehow get these dinosaurs off the island to prevent another extinction event from taking place.
“Claire’s founded an organization, Dinosaur Protection Group, and they’re finding a way to get these dinosaurs off the island,” Howard told Entertainment Weekly. “She reaches out to Owen Grady to let him know this is happening. When you see them at the beginning of this story, you get caught up as to what’s going on. But it’s not what you would necessarily expect.”
You’ve got to love how she’s focusing on the relationship between the two characters, rather than the batshit nature of the plot. Let’s review a few things here:
— This story involves a luxury theme park that was apparently BUILT ON TOP OF AN ACTIVE VOLCANO. That’s some sound planning there.
— The only two people who can save the dinosaurs are the park’s former operations manager and its former raptor trainer, plus a person who I’m assuming is her chino-wearing assistant. Why is the rest of the world going to allow all these valuable assets to be destroyed? Beats me.
— Given that the character of Dr. Wu escaped in the last film with the knowledge of how to create dinosaurs, and was implied to be selling what he knows to new organizations, shouldn’t there be plenty of dinosaurs elsewhere?
— Here’s the meat and potatoes of the plot: “How are we going to transport a bunch of dinosaurs?” This is literally a film about volcanoes and dinosaur-shipping logistics.
— Somehow, Jeff Goldblum’s character of Ian Malcolm is involved in all of this? Under what circumstances would Malcolm volunteer to return to an island full of dinosaurs that is now exploding? Did they knock him unconscious and just transport him there against his will?
We can’t wait to see the full Fallen Kingdom trailer, which will reportedly be released on Thursday, to see just how stupid this can get. If the early indications are accurate, we could be talking about a special kind of badness here. In the meantime, you can watch the tiny teaser for the trailer (oh, what a world we live in) below.