17 Alternate Santas Who Still Might Visit You This Season - Paste Magazine

17 Alternate Santas Who Still Might Visit You This Season

Well. You did it. You forgot to celebrate Christmas and now your very C+ kids are crying. Please, tell your C+ kids to quiet down. Worry not, C+ kids! For there is a magical being on his way to cheer you. But he’s not Santa. Santa’s tired and you missed your shot! No, these are alternate Santas. Other Santas. Santas who are for you, you beautiful deadbeat, you! I bet you can’t wait to see these Santas tomorrow on December 28th—that’s when the cool people take to the skies anyway. Here are some alternate Santas for your much worse Christmas to amuse your very bad kids..

Snoopy Santa: This is a human Santa whose face is so deformed it looks like Snoopy’s. The nose however is his cycloptic eye, and what look like Snoopy’s eyes are actually two beetles who have made their home upon this Santa’s face. This Santa gives either dog shit or bones which are his two favorite things to eat. This is the Santa you get when you do not deserve a Santa.

The Santa Claus Whose Sack Has Something Living In It: If you know what’s good for you you won’t question it, but if you ask him for any gifts he will take out a gigantic stick and just beat the sack without breaking eye contact with you. It’s a broken world and I’m sad Santa Claus is a part of this cycle.

The Santa Who Runs Around With A Gigantic Golden Key As If He’s In Some Videogame Or Something: This is why he’s always late. He wants to unlock a door but can’t find it. He doesn’t have gifts for you. He’ll just lock eye contact, pause, and keep running past you. Unbelievable.

Santa Who Just Got Broken Up With Due To The Busy-ness Of His Job: He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t respond. He just gives you your gifts with a focused resignation. I mean, this is what he wanted, right?

The Santa Who Goes Through Your Vinyl Collection Before He Leaves: “Nice”, says Santa, looking over an MF Doom record you got at Newbury Comics a while back. “This is the good shit, man”, he says as you hide in your room, patiently waiting for him to leave.

The Santa Who Shops At Hot Topic: He gives you all your gifts like a normal Santa, but he won’t stop saying “Who’s ready to get spooky!”, it’s honestly deeply embarrassing.

Fat Man Prime: When the sun died out and left in its wake a cruel black star, only one being could spread warmth to the galaxy via excess Chirst-Mass Spirit and that man is FAT MAN PRIME. THE GOD OF ALL JOLLY. Assisted by the Cosmic Elf on the Forever Shelf, Fat Man Prime brings Merry to those who find his blessing worthy and turn any planet who curries his displeasure into Coal. You will fear Fat Man Prime. And you will adore him. Ho ho ho infinity!

The Santa Who Hates His Body: “G’ohhh!”, you hear Santa moan as he delivers gifts under your door. “Who gives a fuck and I—g’ohh. It doesn’t matter—I’m just gross.” You want to tell him he looks fine, but then he’ll just get mad that you don’t agree with him, it’s a mess. Santa Who Hates This Body, if you’re reading this in your workshop in lower Brookline, MA—you look great.

Boston Santa: “So how bout dem sawx?” he says as his face scans the room, a cup of Dunkin’s coming up to his lip. He has accidentally left all his gifts by the docks, where he has to return to work the next day but quick!

Santa Who Has Lifted A Crate Of Marbles Before Coming Here: He’s a normal Santa but just keeps looking at his arms saying “Haha, nice.” That crate of marbles was heavy.

Johnny the Infinitestine Santa: A Santa with more intestines than any Santa before him. He doesn’t brag about it often, but if you get him talking about it, trust me, it’s fascinating. He ate a G.I. Joe six years ago and it’s still being digested. He’s happy with how he is.

Gifto, The Man Of 10,000 Gifts: At first you’re thrilled he’s delivering 10,000 gifts, then you realize each of them is for one of his 10,000 illegitimate children. Gifto is ashamed but is doing what he can. Also is Gifto your dad? I hope not, right?

The Santa From The Goofy Movie Universe: Everything he has given you is from the Goofy Movie universe. There’s a Powerline box set in there and tickets to that Country Bears knock off Goofy and Max went to. It’s terrible and you realize why everyone in A Goofy Movie suffers from severe depression (probably).

The Santa Who Loudly Discusses His Sex Life If You Run Into Him: Did you want to hear about how loudly this Santa can make someone cum as you’re waiting for him to finish delivering presents? I don’t know, maybe someone does. If you do, congrats on getting this Santa, I guess.

Tongue-o-Claus: Tongue-o-Claus is the Santa of the mouth delivering licks to all the good boys and girls who are also teeth. He is the best Santa on here.

All The World’s Dads Teaming Up To Create The Ultimate Santa: All the world’s dads are trying their hardest, please just humor them, please. Oh my gosh! A broken Furby you found at a Goodwill! No, that’s as good as a Hatchimal! Thank you, collective dads!

Santa Eating Thai Food At 1 AM: This is me, I am that Santa, please say hi to me, thank you.

Alex Firer is a writer at The Devastator and The Onion and his work has appeared in Splitsider. You can see him on the Cafe.com Snapchat every Tuesday and Saturday morning, and find him on Twitter at @AlexFirer.

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