So apparently spring just happened I guess. Yay spring. Go spring. It’s so awesome it’s spring. Super glad that it’s here to make everything gross and sticky again. Like, but if I can be serious for a second you guys, spring totally blows. I mean, what even is spring? It’s not cold enough to hibernate and hide from people indoors, but it’s not hot enough to go to music festivals and drink outdoors. It’s just like… spring. But get ready you guys, because whether you hate it or not, spring is here, it sucks, get used to it.
Do not succumb to the darkness of tacky crocs quite yet though, because there are steps you can take to shield yourself from the harsh, pollen-filled existence that is spring and prolong the inevitable. Here are the eight ways to gird your loins for this terrible season without chipping your black nail polish because of it. Because, like, that’s a fresh coat.
1. Brace yourself to deal with other people’s joy
You will have to deal with human joy.
Though bringing this up might so soon may seem aggressive, like, even to the point of offensiveness, you need to start here; the sooner you know the hard truths the more time you’ll have to prepare. People. Will. Be. Happy. You got this warning in time though, so you can generate the necessary sarcastic retorts, buzz killing fact corrections, and eye rolls large enough for even the weakest of vision. The key to victory is preparation, and this spring, make sure you’re more prepared with you caustic wit than Jerry is with his dumb face and his dumb “too blessed to be stressed,” coffee mug.
2. Come up with excuses to not go outside
“I’ve got a lot of work to do,” is weak. Come on, how could you ever stop the getting bugged with such a weak reason to stay inside!? You need to shut those Spring Fiends down before they think of asking you to join them outside for lunch in the first place! Do you want your pudding cup to get knocked over in the wind!? Then how about you develop an elaborate lie about a made up medical condition preventing you from being in the sun, hm? All it takes is a few weeks of regularly talking about it and like, an investment of a couple hundred dollars worth of anti-UV clothing, and BOOM! They’ll feel like idiots for ever considering asking you to go outside!
3. Pack for any other weather than the bleak, dreary winter you’re used to
Spring is just chaos out there. Much less constant than the bleakness of winter, a spring day can be cold, then hot, then wet, then snowy, all in a matter of hours. The stupid season just won’t make up its dumb mind. Unfortunately, that means that you’ll to need to pack for any possibility. Gone are the days of just throwing on a black coat over a black shirt and matching black jeans. Now you’ll have to make sure you have your black rain coat at the ready, or black shorts, or a black short-sleeved shirt. This’ll take some extra coordination on your part, but if you pack well, this dummy season won’t make a fool out you quite yet!
4. Do vocal warm ups to prepare to yell at cyclists
The key to a good cussing out is breath support. Breath from your diaphragm, don’t push, don’t strain your vocal chords. If you find yourself frequently with a sore throat, then you’re not quite there and need to reassess your vocal posture. Do some lip trills, do some scales, sirens, tongue twisters, really warm up your instrument so as to be able to project those swear words at your fullest capacity. And remember, diction is crucial. You’re going to have a short window to scream and you don’t want Jerry, with his dumb face, going away confused about why you’re going to shove that bike right up his “mucking gas mole, you brother yucker!”
5. Do arm stretches to ready yourself to push past everyone now out on the street.
They’re like locusts, descending on your path to the pizza place. But where actual locusts do real, significant things such as consume crops, all these dumb-dumbs do is block your path to get ‘za. Get used to them though, because as spring wears on, more and more people will be out on the sidewalks; enjoying the fresh air like the locust they are. While I know that your immediate impulse will be to start throwing ‘bows, make sure you take proper steps to prevent injury. The key is to shove from the hips; that’s where the power comes from. Otherwise your torque is all wrong and you risk over exerting yourself, which can like, really drag your day down. Remember, a torn rotator cuff is way not metal.
6. Keep a lifeless tree branch as a memento of colder, deader times
Spring is going to be relentless and some days are just going to be harder than others. You’re stressed at work, not getting enough sleep, Jerry’s face is being dumb, and suddenly a picnic actually sounds kinda nice. That’s ok; it’s perfectly natural to have those urges. But a great way to keep your brain off thoughts of ice cream in the park is by going out now while you still can and collecting a dead tree branch from off the side of the road. Keep it close to remind you of when things still made sense. Draw strength from the lifelessness of this lumber and power through the bad, flower filled thoughts, one day at a time.
7. Ration your canned food to prolong eating anything fresh picked
Jerry is going to come at you with his dumb face, yammering on about his dumb beets. He can’t help it, none of them can. The only thing Spring Fiends love more than their freshly picked, in season fruits and vegetables is talking about them. A good defense is a good offense though, so make sure you have plenty canned food to eat instead. Because why would you want to eat a dirty beet that rabbits absolutely just peed on when you can instead shovel down some delicious, briny, pickled beets that would otherwise outlast a nuclear apocalypse?
8. Open the blinds, let the sun in, then write angsty poetry about how much you hate it
So your room is getting a bit “musty.” A bit “lived in.” A bit “suspected of generating mold.” Open those curtains and let the new spring sun into your home. Then, grab a pen and paper and record how much you absolutely hate the experience. Make sure to construct elaborate metaphors about how springtime is a choir of death angels coming for your soul. Once you’ve carved your words onto the page, either share it with no one ever so they can never know how much spring has hurt you, or post it on Tumblr and allow Jerry to naively suspect it might be about him and his dumb face. With your feelings finally articulated, will you truly be ready to face this foolhardy experiment in pain and suffering called spring.
Cameron Petti is a Chicago-land native. He’s currently attempting to survive off of freelance theatre work, and hasn’t had to eat too much cat food to achieve this goal. Check out how happy and full of life Cameron is on tumblr and twitter.