Heads Up to Everyone at My Ten-Year High School Reunion: I’m Cool as Hell Now

Dear Fellow Wildcats,

I’m so unbelievably excited for our upcoming reunion. Can you believe it’s been ten full years since we graduated high school? Ten years is such a long time! Anything can happen in ten years. It’s definitely long enough for a previously established archetype to undergo a complete transformation.

I’m sure all of you have changed so much in the last ten years. I know I have! I’m a completely different person now, barely recognizable in my new social stature. I’m sending this pre-reunion email to everyone in our class just to let you all know I’m cool now, way cooler than I was in high school. Please make note of this before we see each other at the reunion in May.

I’m no longer the recluse I was in high school, when I’d lock himself in the janitor’s closet during pep rallies, sit among the wet mops, and listen to Elliott Smith. I’m way different now. For starters, I no longer listen to Elliott Smith. That was high school me and I have changed. Now, I listen to Tame Impala because I am cool and read cool music blogs. I’ve been to Burning Man. I regularly tell people at parties that I think the Beatles are overrated. Trust me, I kick some serious ass now. You’re going to love hanging out with me.

You might also notice a significant shift in my personal style. In high school, I only wore T-shirts with jokes on them. Remember that “Llama Drama” shirt I’d always wear? With the drawing of two llamas arguing? Well, I don’t wear ridiculous stuff like that anymore. My fashion game is off the hook now. I regularly receive over 20 likes on my Instagram fashion posts. I wear custom-tailored Italian suits with extremely skinny ties. Seriously, I can’t stress enough how skinny these ties are. They’re like dental floss.

Speaking of which, my teeth are extremely good now. You all laughed at the braces I wore for all four years of high school, but who’s laughing now? It’s me. I’m laughing with my perfect mouth. However, I did forget to wear my retainer at night after getting the braces off, so my teeth went right back to being crooked. That is why I have braces again. Don’t let my adult braces distract you, though, from the more important thing: I’m cool as hell now.

You know, I was thinking it’d be great if we all got together a night early and recreated that party at Bantam Lake from senior spring. We can relive the whole party beat by beat. Let’s just make sure to leave out the part where I ran off screaming and fell in the lake because I thought Jake Tyson’s untied shoelace was a snake. Just so you know, snakes don’t scare me anymore. In fact, I’ve gotten a snake tattooed on each of my arms. Both of my arm snakes are wearing sunglasses as a symbol of how cool I am with snakes. I’ve also been thinking of buying a motorcycle. My life is super cool and good.

I’ve attached a photo of me ziplining just as some additional evidence of how much I rock now. Despite taking part in such a high-octane activity, I didn’t vomit once, so my high school nickname of “Barf” is no longer applicable. I’m no longer the guy who got so nervous during the SATs that he threw up. I’m confident and awesome now.

Man, I am so stoked to see you all in a few short weeks. I’ll be the guy in the leather jacket.

Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.