The Funniest Tweets of the Week

This was just a big ol’ zero of a week, huh? No big news, no important events, no surprises in the world today… just a normal old week, with a Super Bowl, and an impeachment acquittal, and a State of the Union address, and a rapidly spreading virus, and a Ray Donovan cancellation, and an Iowa caucus that went off as smoothly as the Hindenburg. Super boring, and not a lot to joke about. It was a little hard scraping together enough worthwhile tweets this week, simply because it was such a dead zone for anything important or interesting happening, but I’m a pro, and I persevere. Check out the tweets below while you reflect on the end of this very slow, very forgettable week.

still thinking about the fact that following the superbowl the president’s public congratulatory message was “fuck missouri”

— maura quint (@behindyourback) February 3, 2020

Luke: How did my father die?

Obi-Wan: well, he betrayed everyone and everything he ever loved

Obi-Wan: and then I chopped off his arm and legs while he was doing a flip

Luke:

Obi-Wan: then he just fucking ate it

— Jim does a Star War (@ObsKenobs) February 4, 2020

Malcolm Gladwell has shocked the world with some powerful new concepts, such as that if you do something a lot you’ll get better at it, or that sometimes ideas aren’t popular and then they are

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— MKupperman (@MKupperman) February 2, 2020

2 way tie between Tony Hawk and Steve Irwin https://t.co/8V3h1fjvY7

— finessa hudgens (@faceassj) February 1, 2020

The caucuses, which mostly involve yelling at people you agree with, are the closest we come to Twitter being real life

— Give Smart! (@BobbyBigWheel) February 4, 2020

Please GOP Senators, think about how you’ll be written about in the history books you’ll burn

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 31, 2020

A friendly reminder that even fucking Serpentor allowed witnesses at Cobra Commander’s trial. Cobra Command has more ethics than the US Senate.

— Steve Jaros (@SteveJaros) January 31, 2020

As a lesbian, I can relate to these Gun rights activists because I also use inanimate objects to make up for my lack of dick. https://t.co/G5UgerV30g

— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) February 1, 2020

the rules are if you die in the caucus you die in real life

— ziwe (@ziwe) February 4, 2020

The good news is any one of us could win a Presidential Medal of Freedom at any moment. That shit is wide open.

— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 5, 2020

everybody’s out here like “be gay do crimes” but pete buttigieg rigs ONE election and SUDDENLY,

— Homo Demon (@homo_demon) February 4, 2020

Bernie is NOT EVEN A REGISTERED MEMBER of the party that botched its first primary by building a voting app that, after processing all the data, only generates a version of the poop emoji that’s also barfing, and also takes 16 hours to do it.

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) February 4, 2020

got pregnant on Iowa caucus night and giving birth to a beautiful healthy child rn

— Kate Willett (@katewillett) February 5, 2020

Hearing reports that Beto O’Rourke has won the six finger satellite caucus. This is a joke for nobody.

— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) February 6, 2020

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Fellas is it gay to be male? You’re literally inside a man

— (@fingerbIaster) January 30, 2020

Do u think Mary Kate ans Ashley know about elizabeth ….

— claire parker (@SorryDontClaire) February 6, 2020

if segregation really ended why is there a whites only Michelle Williams and a blacks only Michelle Williams

— ashley ray (@arayyay) February 7, 2020

damn boy are you impeachment because I wish you would have finished somewhere else

— Erin praying 4 u Ryan (@morninggloria) February 6, 2020

I know I’ve tweeted about this before but every time Tom Perez does a major fuck up I think about how he was my college commencement speaker, and told us to “stop taking selfies and start taking usies”

— eve peyser (@evepeyser) February 7, 2020

jonathan van ness: sooooo HONEY youuuu are actually the first ever LGBTQ president to successfully carry out a drone strike?? is that true??

president buttigieg: haha yes, yeah.

[so much applause from the studio audience that it’s deafening]

jvn: that’s fierce bitch

— (@calebsaysthings) February 7, 2020

my favourite tv moment was when i got voted off the weakest link, and host cornelia frances said “i understand you like golf. well your teammates have decided your game was below par” to which i said ‘that’s a good thing” and they had to do a retake and change the script for her

— elliot g (@ElliotG78) February 7, 2020

my daughter just sent me this picture. you think it’s sweet? it’s not. she’s 23 and in prison for armed robbery pic.twitter.com/4ol7orINhN

— kim. (@KimmyMonte) February 7, 2020

There are two cruise ships stuck out at sea in quarantine with Coronavirus and all I can think about is the two comedians onboard still having to do their sets.

— Bryan Miller (@realbryanmiller) February 6, 2020

Giving my guests ponchos and declaring part of my house “The Splash Zone”

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) February 7, 2020

pic.twitter.com/sl5tQmfAiE

— Chris Chauvet (@cchauvet) February 6, 2020

Toy Story, but it’s all the things in my apartment that girls have left behind over the years (bobby pins, jewelry, hair ties, a vape pen, and one sassy thong voiced by Tiffany Haddish) working together to get me to hook-up with their owners one last time so they can return home.

— Allen Strickland Williams (@TotallyAllen) February 6, 2020

James Woods is back but Twitter is 13 now so only a few more years before he loses interest.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 7, 2020