This was just a big ol’ zero of a week, huh? No big news, no important events, no surprises in the world today… just a normal old week, with a Super Bowl, and an impeachment acquittal, and a State of the Union address, and a rapidly spreading virus, and a Ray Donovan cancellation, and an Iowa caucus that went off as smoothly as the Hindenburg. Super boring, and not a lot to joke about. It was a little hard scraping together enough worthwhile tweets this week, simply because it was such a dead zone for anything important or interesting happening, but I’m a pro, and I persevere. Check out the tweets below while you reflect on the end of this very slow, very forgettable week.
still thinking about the fact that following the superbowl the president’s public congratulatory message was “fuck missouri”
Malcolm Gladwell has shocked the world with some powerful new concepts, such as that if you do something a lot you’ll get better at it, or that sometimes ideas aren’t popular and then they are
Bernie is NOT EVEN A REGISTERED MEMBER of the party that botched its first primary by building a voting app that, after processing all the data, only generates a version of the poop emoji that’s also barfing, and also takes 16 hours to do it.
I know I’ve tweeted about this before but every time Tom Perez does a major fuck up I think about how he was my college commencement speaker, and told us to “stop taking selfies and start taking usies”
my favourite tv moment was when i got voted off the weakest link, and host cornelia frances said “i understand you like golf. well your teammates have decided your game was below par” to which i said ‘that’s a good thing” and they had to do a retake and change the script for her
There are two cruise ships stuck out at sea in quarantine with Coronavirus and all I can think about is the two comedians onboard still having to do their sets.
Toy Story, but it’s all the things in my apartment that girls have left behind over the years (bobby pins, jewelry, hair ties, a vape pen, and one sassy thong voiced by Tiffany Haddish) working together to get me to hook-up with their owners one last time so they can return home.
