Here’s this week in a nutshell. The memes keeps on meming, with Jane Lynch from Glee a particular favorite this week. The pandemic keeps on pandemicing, with the U.S. setting record daily death tolls almost every day, and all experts saying that’ll remain the case into 2021. The videogame business keeps on releasing heavily hyped new games that are broken at launch despite being made by employees who weren’t allowed to leave the office for months on end—only this time with seizures and dick sliders. The president keeps on trying to undermine the foundations of democracy. Louie Gohmert’s teeth keep falling out of his mouth while he’s in the middle of a press conference. Every cool celebrity or musician keeps dying, and I still really miss KFC’s potato wedges.
It wasn’t the best week. At least some of the tweets were okay. Here are the funniest ones we saw this week; dig ‘em, like ‘em, share ‘em, follow the people who wrote ‘em, and try to stay strong through next Friday.
guitar center is speCIFICALLY for guitars. if you want a bass you have to go to bass pro shops
— daniel (@forgotmyfloaty) December 4, 2020
every american mayor right now is like “stay home except for essential trips,” and then the next day has to apologize after pics get leaked of them playing Twister with a bunch of plastic straw lobbyists at a ritz carlton
— andrea more (@amore_orless) December 5, 2020
guy fieri’s spiky hair might seem weird at first, until you realize it is his natural defense against getting ratatouilled in the kitchen
— zach silberberg (for hire) (@zachsilberberg) December 5, 2020
Holy shit the lady who played the mom in Home Alone also played the mom in Home Alone 2 pic.twitter.com/tQrANiBeTN
— Dashiell Driscoll (@dashiell) December 5, 2020
Kelly Loeffler’s debate performance was such a disaster she should have gotten advance warning to sell her stock before
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 7, 2020
Artist: So how would you like to be painted, young lady?
Girl: With my favourite fish
A: Are you sure? It might di—
G:
WITH MY FISH
A: … Ok
G: …. And also this drunk cat pic.twitter.com/FQoFYjh9OK— Emily Brand (@EJBrand) December 8, 2020
Earth: “Can we join the Galactic Federation?”
The Galactic Federation: pic.twitter.com/2nfJp30zwA— Ethan Carpenter (@ethanmcarpenter) December 7, 2020
MAGA thought process: We must punish evil China for sending this horrible virus that is just the common cold and we don’t need masks but Trump was a hero for wearing one that one time and God bless him for inventing the miraculous vaccine we’re not going to take.
— Patrick W. Watson (@PatrickW) December 4, 2020
after100000000 hours of crunch time, we’re pleased to announce we’ve made a videogame that kills you if you look at it directly
— bea (@beackupburner) December 8, 2020
You can tell you’re a 90s kid if you remember when 3,000 Americans dying in a day was a big deal
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 8, 2020
made a small mistake….. should i let it haunt me for a decade or no
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) December 8, 2020
I simultaneously want to be awake for everything and asleep all the time.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 9, 2020
Do I have to have watch Spiderman 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 1, and 2 to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?
— Ebert (@horsedivorce) December 9, 2020
I can’t wait to watch TENET! (on my phone) (the way Fincher intended)
— kurt braunohler (@kurtbraunohler) December 10, 2020
Not jealous of the next generation of kids who might have to both accidentally come across their parents old thirst traps and fight in a brutal war for water
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) December 9, 2020
I don’t call it hot wiring a car. I call it the remix to ignition
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) December 10, 2020
Can’t wait for April 15 2021 when the government is like “ok time to pay us for that year where we failed you in every way imaginable and 300,000 of you died” sir i would like to cancel my subscription
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) December 9, 2020
“Yes, hello. Is this the police? There’s a lunatic from the 1940s in my house, calling himself “Hot Dan”, who is telling me how to save my marriage with mustard.” pic.twitter.com/P4eOrQkYue
— Whores of Yore (@WhoresofYore) December 10, 2020
Bob Odenkirk popping up out of nowhere in Little Women pic.twitter.com/sfScV85zi3
— Anya Volz (@AnyaVolz) December 10, 2020
I will fucking die protecting big corporations from mild criticism https://t.co/SmyP3yZDcw
— AGGRO CRAB (@AggroCrabGames) December 10, 2020
thinking about how 2020 gave us more taylor swift studio albums than government stimulus checks
— du?? bint lipa (@afroelven) December 10, 2020
god: listen, your mom and I won’t live together, but it’ll be fun! You’re gonna get 2 christmases, 2 easters!
kid jesus: sniffle what’s easter?
god: ok, that—one thing at a time
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 11, 2020