Amy Schumer Stole Everything (Take It From Us, The Coolest Kids In Her High School)

Having been in South Side High School class of ‘99 with Amy Schumer, we were NOT surprised when she was accused of stealing jokes. Amy Schumer stole everything that wasn’t nailed down at our high school: pens, paper, Mr. Pinchler — it didn’t matter to her! It’s like, one day in the mid-to-late 90s we were into jelly sandals and slap bracelets and butterfly clips, and then SHE was into jelly sandals and slap bracelets and butterfly clips! The nerve of that obvious thief! Here’s a comprehensive list of other things we think she stole:

1. Her prom date Mark—stolen from Jessica H.

We were all rooting for Mark and Jessica H. to get together. She loved dogs, he probably did too. She was a cheerleader, he was a guy who did things—the point is Mark’s name was written in Jessica H’s notebook and where we come from that is as good as dibs! On a human being! Then Amy comes along and steals him just because he “asked her out” and “liked her since the 8th grade?” For shame, Amy!

2. Auditioning for the choir with A Whole New World—stolen from Jessica B.

Parallel thinking, or a calculated move to undercut fast-rising sophomore sensation Jessica B.? Here’s the facts: Jessica B. loved Aladdin so much, she successfully pushed through “Arabian Nights” as the theme to the junior formal. Jessica also had her bedroom decorated with a faux-persian rug, dated an Indian guy who looked “close enough,” and begged for a pet monkey for Hanukkah. She was devastated to find out she got a car. So when Amy successfully belted out an a capella version of A Whole New World during auditions, Jessica B. was devastated. She certainly “never had a friend” like Amy Schumer…and we hope she never does again.

3. Her on-again, off-again relationship with Archie—stolen from Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge

Shocking, but true: Amy Schumer’s interest in small town boy-toy Archie Andrews is, at best, an “homage” to Betty and Veronica. And at worst, it’s another brick in the mounting wall of evidence that she’s not only a compulsive material thief, but also, a fictional character who has escaped the comic book realm. If this is true, is this mystical portal still active? And if so, could Jughead, Moose, or god forbid Reggie be far behind? Also: does Amy have any funny stories where Archie splooges in her hair? These are all important questions for an important potential joke thief.

4. Being too feminist/not feminist enough—stolen from Alanis Morissette

The Internet agrees: Amy Schumer is too not feminist enough! It’s almost like this filthy Jezebel uterus-diving tea party racist wants to be herself instead of representing all women. And who’s the queen of being both too feminist and not feminist enough? None other than her childhood babysitter, Alanis Morissette. It was Alanis who first showed her the power of being a lightning rod for controversy, and also, that Dave Coulier was hot. Even with that floofy mullet every ‘90s TV star and no actual ‘90s person had. It was Alanis who showed her that you could talk about women’s empowerment while still expressing regret for movie theater-based sexual encounters. And ultimately, it was Alanis who felt the cold sting of Schumer’s betrayal as the “bad girl of comedy” subsumed the space Morisette occupied in our everlasting culture war. What a jagged little pill (that was Alanis, right? Eh, either way, we’re not changing it.)

5. Being too fat/not fat enough to be funny—stolen from America Ferrera

Everyone knows that to be a comic actress, you either have to be rail thin or morbidly obese. Right? Well, Not Amy! She was already pushing it by not being a supermodel, but now Amy is slapping American comedy in the face with her unwillingness to gain or lose 20 pounds! Entertainment is built upon a foundation of fat-guy-skinny-guy dynamics. How are we supposed to laugh if we don’t know which one she is? Is she an Abbott, or a Costello? A Laurel or a Hardy? A Melissa McCarthy or that other lady that gets to do movies? We don’t know! This affront to our ability to understand her jokes SEEMS original, but she DID come over to our house to watch Ugly Betty that one time! So we’re gonna call this one STOLEN! Sorry, America!