My children stopped loving me years ago. They never said anything to that effect. But around the time of our family vacation to Reno, which lasted for 10 years and which only I went on, I started to feel a shift.
That’s the thing about parenthood: it evolves. When your children are born, you’re their creator. Then you become their caretaker. Then you become their penpal. And if you play your cards right, you can eventually become their friend after you show up to their apartment at one in the morning soaking wet.
Now we’re rebuilding. They’re accepting that I need to stay on their couch for a little while, and I’m showing them that dad’s not such a bad guy after all. Hey, I might not be father of the year but here’s how I keep it fleek 100%:
1. Keep It Lit Fam
Sometimes you gotta keep it fleek, sometimes you gotta keep it lit fam — that’s my way of saying keep it “little family” as in making sure things don’t become a “big deal.” I think of our family like Olive Garden: when you’re here, you’re family, and when you’re not here, those indiscretions shouldn’t count so don’t go telling mom or my parole officer about all of this. Keep it little, keep it in the family. Keep it lit, fam.
2. Make Time For Netflix And Chill
Life is not always about partying. Sometimes it’s about realizing you don’t have any money left. Those are some of the best times to get your stupid son and cruel daughter in the same room with you and use one of their Netflix accounts to just kick back and watch one of your favorite films. I highly recommend Netflix and chilling with your kids. It’s a night to not worry so much about going out and getting plastered unless they offer to in which case it would be rude not to go out and be at your fleekest. You could probably impress them with your old “look how much I can drink and still be able to drive” trick.
3. Show Them Those Dank Memes You Printed
You’ll never be as tech savvy as your kids, but just because they’re constantly sexting on their Snapschat doesn’t mean they know where to find the good dank memes. I know where the dank memes are and when I find them I save them in a special folder called “Dank Memes” which I keep in my rolling suitcase. My kids aren’t old enough to do bumps with me but hey, that’s their loss. A stoned Spongebob is still funny no matter who you are or what you’re on.
4. Insist To Your Children They’re In Your Squad
Even though you’d think offering your children a spot in your squad would make them say “yes queen” sometimes they just look at you blankly and say “dad, please stop this, we need to talk about things.” That’s because they’re used to thinking of you as “dad” and not “squad pal.” Well, things are different now, so now you’re squad-buddies (squaddies?) At the same time, they’re still your family, so it’s a squad for life. A suicide squad.
5. Remember Bae Is Not Beyonce, You Stupid Idiot
It’s not woke to confuse the two. God, you’re such an idiot sometimes. Stephanie’s face when you say “I love Bae’s new Red Lobster video” and she’s like “what are you even talking about?” and she looks so judgmental… you know what, don’t think about it, Dale. It was a moment of not wokeness but there will be more wokes to get in the future.
6. Fleek Fleek Fleek Fleek I’m Still Their Fleeking Father, Dammit
Fleek sorry if this is “basic” of me but am I wrong to feel like I deserve a little more fleeking respect from these people? I mean, on one side you’ve got my sewer-faced son who never answers my calls, and on the other it’s my ding-dong daughter saying she’s revoking my “unannounced visitor privileges.” Well, who needs to stick around for that kind of nonsense? That’s not fleek, that’s not woke, that’s not Beyonce, that’s just the biggest load of bullcrap I’ve heard since the alimony hearings.
Grant Pardee is a comedian. Follow him on Twitter.
This is a work of satire. It’s not about any specific, real-life person, living or dead.