Mark Zuckerberg, the overgrown My Buddy doll who built Facebook, unveiled his latest operating system update live on Capitol Hill today during a Congressional hearing into Facebook’s data scandal. It’s must-see TV if you’re a big fan of second-hand embarrassment, whether it’s for thirtysomething tech dorks with no social skills or eightysomething politicians with no tech skills. Basically a large group of old white men are grilling a much younger white man (or man-shaped walking algorithm) about something they know absolutely nothing about. If you get nervous watching people who don’t speak the same language try to communicate with each other, you’ll probably shake in discomfort over this hearing—even though everybody involved is speaking English, absolutely nobody involved can understand each other.
Given that the tech industry might be the only thing less popular with most Americans than politicians, and given that Zuckerberg holds a special place of contempt within that overreaching tech hatred, clearly this DC sideshow would provide some great grist for the endless Twitter mill. There are two perfect targets in a single story, letting every would-be jokesmith feel confident enough to tweet out every comment that enters their head. Some of them area actually funny, though, including this clutch of cutting remarks below. Check ‘em out and yes, please share on Facebook as soon as you can. (We might not like the rules of media today, but we still have to live by ‘em.)
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
A thing I 100% believe about Mark Zuckerberg with absolutely no evidence is that he went through a phase where he tried to get people to call him “the zuck”
“Mr. Zuckerberg, a magazine i recently opened came with a floppy disk offering me 30 free hours of something called America On-Line. Is that the same as Facebook?” pic.twitter.com/U7pqpUhEhQ
mr. zuckerberg, are you prepared to go to jail for having a personality so stale and shitty that you’ve forced senator thune to make a face that I weirdly find hot? pic.twitter.com/rzYI6MDuPd
#Zuckerberg has that rare character arc where he began as a shitty villain and, through years of experience and reflection, became an even shittier villain.
It’s absurd that people criticize high school students for talking about gun control policy but are cool with having 80-year-olds question Mark Zuckerberg about Facebook, online privacy and AI.
Mark Zuckerberg getting The Real Facebook Experience in listening to Sen. Chuck Grassley, an 84yo man who cannot type and is confused and upset by everything he sees, just kind of rattling on about shit.
If I were questioning Zuckerberg about Facebook I’d just ask him to explain different Minions memes. “Why is the Minion in the marines, and also in your opinion how does that relate to the broader observation about ‘fake friends?'”
SEN. ARTEMIS P. SEGREGATION (R-The Roarin’ 20s): I hear tell I can get sundries delivered to mah icebox instead of havin’ to traipse down to the apothacary
ZUCK: You mean Amazon?
SEN.: Like the large breasted women on the island what my bi plane crashed on
“One final question, is it possible for a website to go rogue and like a porn video all by itself even though the person whose account it is loves his wife very much and definitely doesn’t fantasize about being cuckolded?” pic.twitter.com/yPvjYdyQh0
The only thing Facebook has a monopoly on are all the crazy girls from high school who constantly post their drama and then tell people to stay out of their damn business. #Zuckerberg
