Yesterday, news broke that the Secretary of State and ex-Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson had been sending emails under the pseudonym Wayne Tracker to talk about climate change. Who knew that an oil baron who’s moonlighting as a corrupt politician could have such a big, bad imagination?
Paste tracked down some of Trackers’ more sensitive correspondence from between 2008 and 2015, when the account was in use. They offer surprising insight into the deepest corridors of American power.
Subject: New Employee: Wayne Tracker, FBI
Hello, fellow oil-heads (this is fun, I am fun).
This is Mr. Rex Wayne Tillerson with an exciting announcement on who we’ve chosen as our new environmental tracker: his name is Wayne Tracker, and he is extremely handsome.
Because I feel that Wayne Tracker walking among mere mortals will horn up the office environment and spoil the fluorescent chrome corporate vibe that I modeled after the Transformers movie, he will only be communicating via email. If you would like to fantasize about him and his (presumably) Texas-sized hog, please email my assistant and she’ll Photoshop something for you. She has a masters in digital art which, of course, is very useful for when I need animations of oil spills to unwind at the end of the day.
Wayne Tracker’s qualifications are as follows: he has many guns, can do thirty-seven front flips in a row and thirty-eight back flips, his mother is a tree, his father is an energy-efficient windmill, thick oil runs through his body where blood should be, and when he makes love, the price of gas around the globe goes up by three cents. He went to Oberlin and has a master’s in poetry, and puts it to use to write articulate threats to his enemies. Does he like the environment? That depends—what has the environment ever done for Wayne Tillerson, I mean Tracker, I mean this is an email and I could get rid of that but I accidentally got taffy on my backspace key and honestly don’t have time to call IT before my next meeting about blowing up two of the lesser Hawaiian islands as a birthday present to myself?
TLDR; Wayne Tracker, FBI is young, dumb and full of respect for the environment.
This is Mr. Rex Wayne Tillerson saying that we have a new environmental tracker and his name is Wayne Tracker and if anyone notices unusual parallels you will be sent to the dungeon, where you will gargle oil while watching BP commercials until your spirit abandons you.
Mr. Rex Wayne Tillerson
Subject: Re: New Employee: Wayne Tracker, FBI
This is Wayne Tracker. My dad is a windmill and he’s very proud of me. I am handsome and I have a gun and, also, I have a knife.
I wanted to apologize for the nine cent raise in gas prices over the last twelve hours—I went to my high school reunion and had some scores to settle.
Subject: Those Photoshops You Asked For…
Good morning, Mr. Tillerson:
I’m attaching those Photoshops of Wayne Tracker you requested for the meeting this morning. I wasn’t sure what you meant by the descriptors “libidinous legs” and “Bette Davis eyes,” but I did my best. I’m going to print out the posters of this for the meeting like you requested.
Also, I really appreciate you reaching out to the UCLA alumni department to say that a “former promising art student now animates prospective oil spills for a corporate pervert with a great body,” but in the future I’d prefer to be left out of that narrative.
Subject: What the hell was with those Photoshops
Did Tillerson make you print out those horrifying posters with the huge eyes and the stripper legs at the meeting? He’s going too heavy on the barbiturates and vodka. Should we talk to someone about it? I feel so bad you need to use your art degree like this. How close are you to paying that off?
Sometimes I want to overdose on pills in the bathroom. I wish I’d died in the oil spill.
Horace from accounting
Subject: Greetings from Exxon
Wayne Tracker, environmental tracker for Exxon here. Just wanted to drop a line and say that the environment is Cool and we Totally Respect It.
I have a gun.
Wayne Tracker, FBI
Subject: You aren’t in the FBI
Hello, Mr. Tracker:
It has come to the FBI’s attention that you have been tacking on “FBI” to your name for the past four years. You are not in the FBI, although I understand that you’re saying you are to get more chicks and dicks. As you probably know, it totally works.
Also, saw your pic online—you have extremely libidinous legs!
Boss of the FBI
Subject: WAYNE TRACKER’S COMING TO EXXON!!!!!!
As you know, Wayne Tracker has been working for Exxon for four years now, and his lascivious bod has never appeared at the office before. I’ve had a change of heart—he will be at this Friday’s office party with his two favorite “wise guys,” Carlos Danger and Ron Mexico.
He will be very hot and has a gun and also a knife!
Rex Tillerson (Not FBI)
Subject: I need a convincing wig and a suit and a gun and a knife
it’s for the party
also more barbiturates
DO NOT SHOW ANYONE THIS EMAIL
Subject: What Happened at the Office Party
This is Rex Tillerson and, as you know after the events of Friday’s office party, environmental tracker Wayne Tracker. I would like to address a few things.
First, all sexual advances I made in my Wayne Tracker disguise were not indicative of my own proclivities and do not count as cheating against my wife. The same goes for the various dated slurs, my saying “I respect the environment” and saying that I thought that Moana was an incredible movie. These are strictly the opinions of Wayne Tracker.
The employee who drunkenly pulled off my wig has been fired and sent to the dungeon, as well as anyone and everyone who laughed when I shouted, “CLOSE YOUR EYES!” in response to this horrific act.
I apologize on that employee’s behalf, but take heart: now that she is dead, she will never need to pay off her master’s degree in studio art.
Wayne will be releasing his statement shortly.
Rex Tillerson (Not FBI)
Subject: OH MY GOD DID TILLERSON HAVE YOU KILLED
WHY DID YOU RIP OFF HIS WIG SHAWNA
REST IN PARADISE
Horace from accounting
Subject: I have passed away.
It’s been a fun seven years, but you won’t have Wayne Tracker, FBI to kick around anymore. Please do not remember me at my lowest—think of me as I was before, not the dirty old wig that I was reduced to. Remember me as the man whose father is a windmill, who insists he’s a part of the FBI in spite of all evidence to the contrary, and has a gun but also a knife.
Goodbye, comrades. With my departure, you won’t need to care about the dumb old environment from now on.
I am dead now,
Wayne Tracker FBI
Subject: the party
I don’t care what they say, Rex. I’m real as hell.
Wayne Tracker, FBI
If you have any further questions, please forward them to my main man Wayne at Wayne.Tracker@exxonmobil.com.
Note: This is not real. It is satire.
Jamie Loftus is a comedian and writer. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.