You won’t believe what Netflix has in store for you this summer! Actually, you will. You really will. Here are some of the exclusive movies and TV shows Netflix will release this summer and you’ll forget about within two weeks of binging.
Shotgun Stand-up
Not matter how half-assed and undercooked, comedians have to crank out an hour’s worth of material every year, even if it is just 60 minutes worth of broad premises over a laugh track. This Netflix special points shotguns to comedians’ heads to make sure their art explodes and splatters into a gory mess of their brain thoughts. Starring Comedy Idol, Oh Yeah That Guy, Wait He Did a Show With Me Last Week At That One Bar, He Has 60 Minutes?, and The Woman One.
Period’s Pieces
Oliver Platt (Lake Placid, Ready to Rumble) plays Hank Period, an executive at Netflix that needs to think up of a new “historical” period piece dramedy every episode to keep feeding the streaming giant. Like other Netflix period pieces, this shows promise at the beginning but runs out of fresh story ideas midway through the season. But, hey, Chloë Grace Moretz plays the person that creates the algorithm that recommends the show-of-the-month to you every time you log in. That’ll keep you watching, right? Starring Oliver Platt, Chloë Grace Moretz, That One Non-Mainstream Comedian and You Think “Good For Him,” and the Inability To Let Things Breathe.
Adam Sandler Presents Man-Baby
Gibberish in a baby voice! It’s Adam Sandler Presents Man -Baby! The show where Adam Sandler is a baby who grabs boobies! Adam Sandler plays both the baby and “Woman with Boobies.” “Quit a-grabbin’ my boobies, baby!” “WAH, I WANNA-DA BOOBIES, WAH!” for two hours. The budget for this film was several billion dollars, most of which went to Sandler, David Spade, and let’s say Kevin James. We don’t even know how Netflix has that kind of money. We just assumed everyone’s still on their ex’s account which he also shares with his new girlfriend and his mom. Starring Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley’s Ghost, Adam Sandler, and Rob Schneider.
B/xxx53D: Your Cousin’s Student Project
If you type in B/xxx53D into the Netflix URL, you will get your cousin’s student project she did after an internship with Netflix. It’s an experiment that compares the iPhone’s slo-mo features to your dad’s old camcorder he lent out. Spoiler: The iPhone is much better than dad’s old camcorder and all the video of your 8th birthday party is gone. Starring Your Cousin’s Yo-Yo, A Fidget Spinner, and Copyrighted Music.
Higher Production Value Reboot of that One Cartoon You Liked in Elementary School
Ohhhhhh, shiiiiitttt! I loved this when I was a kid! It’s gonna be gooooooood. Oh my God, I tried watching the original with my six-year-old and I had no idea how plotless, poorly animated, and shittly acted it was. This version actually has a story, good voice acting, and the best animation Korean sweatshops can produce. The only thing that sucks is that my kid likes it, but not enough to finish the season. However, I convinced him and my wife that this is “bonding time.” I’ll also buy the toys, t-shirts, and other merch that I say is for Oliver, but is secretly/not-so-secretly just me projecting my old childhood onto him. I get to revisit my boyhood, he doesn’t get a chance to have one. I WIN. Starring the voices of Seth Green, Tara Strong, Mark Hamill, Rob Paulsen, E.G. Daily, and Whoa, They Got Laurence Fishburne to Play “Gorbax”? That’s Awesome!
Marvel’s D-Man
From the Marvel Universe comes D-Man, a hero who… Look, we ran out of options since Marvel’s being too precious with their “save that character for the movies” mindset, so watch this guy even though die-hard Marvel fans have trouble remembering him. You know you’re gonna watch it. You watched Iron Fist. Now watch a guy that has the head of Wolverine, the original costume of Daredevil, and the powers of neither. He was a wrestler so maybe we’ll get some folks into GLOW or Lucha Underground out of this. In any case, it’ll be the same formula of being a 13-episode series with only six episodes worth of story. Succumb to the “D”!… Yeah, we hate that catchphrase, too. Starring Zach Galifianakis, Orlando Jones, Laura Dern, Michael Cera, and Rosario Dawson Because She’s Contractually Obligated.
Exploited Murder Docu-Theatre
When the subject of a series can’t consent because they are dead, you know what that means: Award-winning documentary filmmaking! The first season of Exploited Murder Docu-Theatre is about the murder of Aunt Ingrid, a stinky woman with a good heart who was found in a forest behind a small-town porno shop in 1973. This crime’s narrative is not actually that complex, but when edited right it will be super riveting and win several awards. Spoiler: We’re guessing a man did it! Starring a Series of Small Town Baby Boomers, Grainy Found Footage, Helpful Interviewees Edited to Look Like Assholes, and Documentarians Who Resent NPR
That Show From the ‘90s But Everyone’s Old Now
Hey, remember that show you’re nostalgic for and was therefore good? It’s back! But everyone that was young and cute is old now! Even though the humor is from 1995, the hairlines, waistlines and wrinkles are pure 2017. The only thing that remains timeless are the substance abuse problems. Starring Wasn’t She On the Mickey Mouse Club?, Successful Actor Who Did This For Kicks, Breckin Meyer, Formerly Successful Actor That Needed This, New Actor That Puzzles the Audience, and Weekly AA Meetings.
Millennials Try Feelings For a Change
In the vein of HBO’s Girls and Netflix’s Love comes a series about millennial feelings not produced by perennial non-millennial Judd Apatow. Netflix couldn’t afford him after spending all that Sandler money. That was…a choice! But as millennials know, trying is hard AF, so they get into some wacky product-placement-based hijinks along the way to self discovery. Some of the feelings/relatable experiences include:
“I still need my parents to survive. Good thing they have Social Security because I won’t.”
“Is love real or just, like, evolutionary chemical reactions to help bolster our species?”
“I can’t have kids while Trump’s in office.”
“My parents, who I’m dependent on, want me to have kids, I mean, wha?”
Angry relationship baggage.
Objectifying Gillian Jacobs’ anger
“I miss that show from the ‘90s that was probably good. Time to make a meme.”
Sex-positive pansexual fucking.
Starring Gillian Jacobs, Adam Driver, Maude Apatow (We Tried), Residual Mumblecore, Student Loan Debt, and UCB Alum That Aren’t Actually Millennials.
Netflix “Original”
Quick! What was cancelled yet had a loyal cult fanbase? Buy that shit! BUY IT! Gonna make a killing by including new episodes with the cancelled show. It’s worth a shot, right? Worst case scenario, we kill the thing we revived. The anticipation will at least be fun. Starring As Much Of The Original Cast As We Can Cram In, Nostalgic Whiplash, and New Visions That Won’t Go Over Well With Die-Hard Fans.
Food Pron
It’s a documentary. Or a restaurant travel series. Or a reality show with chefs. Screw it, who cares, LOOK AT THAT DELICIOUS FOOD. God, I want that. Just make it a slideshow of this stuff and we’re good. Starring Host That Talks Too Much, That Steak, Ooooh Sushi!, That Asshole Host That’s In the Way of a Tastebud Money Shot, A Cake I Would Fuck, and Diabetic Risk.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Erik W. Barnes is a comedian, writer, actor, and aspiring riverboat gambler.