Follow This Simple Script to Call Your Senator and Beg for Your Life
Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Comedy Features The Democratic Process
Hi Senator [YOUR SENATOR’S NAME],
My name is [YOUR NAME] and I am a constituent from [YOUR CITY AND POSTAL CODE]. I am calling you today to let you know that I enjoy being alive and all the things that being alive entails. Living is neat. I’m a real sucker for waking up in the morning and not being dead. In particular, I love to use my currently operational lungs and beating heart to [A FEW OF YOUR HOBBIES AND INTERESTS THAT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO DO IF YOU DIE FROM A LACK OF AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE]. Please don’t kill me.
I am incredibly concerned about the Senate’s efforts to repeal the Affordable Care Act. I am calling you today, Senator [SENATOR’S NAME HERE, BUT THIS TIME, SAY IT WITH A QUIVERING LIP AS YOU ARE HIT WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH STUFF WE’RE TALKING ABOUT], to ask you to oppose the repeal of the ACA and work in a bipartisan way to not kill 32 million Americans like me. Isn’t it crazy that this is the state of healthcare in our country? It is [CHOOSE ONE: WILD/DEPRESSING/WILDLY DEPRESSING] that I have to call my representatives every week to beg for healthcare coverage. Honestly, this kind of feels like [POST-APOCALYPTIC MOVIE WHERE SOCIETY HAS COLLAPSED AND BASIC HUMANITY AND REGARD FOR LIFE ARE RELICS BURIED BENEATH THE SANDS OF TIME]. I love that movie, but that’s not what I want my life to be.
Healthcare is important to me because it’ll keep me alive to hopefully one day [A FEW OF YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO ACHIEVE INSTEAD OF DYING IN A GUTTER WITHOUT MEDICINE]. Repealing the ACA and gutting the Medicaid program will make healthcare more expensive for millions of us. Look, I’m not naive. I know politics involves a lot of give-and-take, but my life shouldn’t be treated like [A GAME OR SPORT THAT INVOLVES GIVING AND TAKING; TUG OF WAR OR SOMETHING? I DON’T KNOW; I’M AS SCARED AS YOU ARE, OKAY?].
I am at risk of losing my health insurance here, so this feels like the highest possible stakes version of [A GAME THAT INVOLVES GAMBLING, FEEL FREE TO JUST SAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE SINCE THAT ONE INVOLVES GAMBLING AND ALSO DEATH]. I don’t want to die, I want to keep existing and eating food and drinking water. You know, like a person.
My health depends on you, Senator [YOUR SENATOR’S NAME, BUT THIS TIME, SAY IT STOICALLY LIKE SOMEONE WHO SEES DEATH APPROACHING FROM THE HORIZON, BUT HAS COME TO TERMS WITH IT]. If my healthcare gets taken away, then I’ll be forced to set up a [CROWDFUNDING WEBSITE OF CHOICE] and I’m afraid I’ve wasted most of my social network’s fundraising goodwill on [NAME OF YOUR WEB SERIES]. Boy, oh boy, do I enjoy breathing air and maintaining healthy cognitive functions. Going to sleep at night without the fear of dying by morning is great! Consciousness is my favorite thing, right after [YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF PASTA]. What can I say? I’m [DO THIS PART IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT IF YOU WANT] crazy for those Italian noodles!
As I always like to say, [YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE FROM STAR WARS]. While the politics and issues of the Star Wars universe are vast and complex, this healthcare issue seems pretty straightforward to me. We should not gut an existing bill just to give tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans and insurance company CEO’s. They’ll just use that money to [RIDICULOUS ACTIVITY THAT ONLY THE ULTRA WEALTHY DO]. I guess my point is, consciousness has been a super swell ride for me. I don’t want to suddenly have to die because I can no longer afford medicine and hospital visits. I still haven’t gotten a chance to meet [YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY WHOSE PHOTO IS YOUR PHONE BACKGROUND].
So, can I count on you to represent me as your constituent and essentially not [SYNONYM FOR “MURDER”] me with your vote? Please understand where I’m coming from. This issue is very important to me and I will be watching closely while nervously squeezing a [STRESS RELIEF OBJECT OF CHOICE]. Thank you for your time and I look forward to not shaking my fists at the sky and screaming [YOUR FAVORITE SWEAR WORD] at the conclusion of this vote.
No but please do call your senator.
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.