The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
Wow, so, Kanye and Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande, huh? I’ve been toying with this theory that is you make over x amount of money you’re only allowed to make y posts per day. I’m ambivalent though, because who am I to take away someone’s ability to spiral in public. If I’m being real, the worst part of all of this was seeing everyone write their annual treatise on Mental Health and Celebrity. The internet has made us all experts on everything from a distance, and because of this we feel compelled to share our usually wrong opinions via microblogging or Instagram stories.
All that being said, here are my favorite posts from the past week, mostly about current events:
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) December 16, 2018
Stephen Miller’s hair looks like PlayStation 1. pic.twitter.com/c24X4nNSPt
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 16, 2018
we set up a fancy computer to analyze 20 billion cringey boomer memes so it wrote this and then threw itself into traffic https://t.co/btZpZRKj6B
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) December 17, 2018
trump seems to be saying that saturday night live should be charged with crimes, which to be clear i also support
— mark (@kept_simple) December 16, 2018
This year has been shit, but it brings me joy that I’m both 4 years older and 20 years younger than Stephen Miller. pic.twitter.com/PxZ8a3ZLgR
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) December 16, 2018
hey bro long time no see. anyways i was wondering if you wanted to come over some time and take a bath with me
— everett byram (@rad_milk) December 16, 2018
I have been watching Bladerunner 2049 for 4 months
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) December 16, 2018
I love being a doctor and whispering verses of the Quran into the ears of white babies, and therefore making them Muslim. The hospital I work for knows I have been doing this for years, but can’t strike me off because they are scared of being called racist
— hussein kesvani (@HKesvani) December 16, 2018
Jomney Sun died today of natural causes
Got amped up on speed and broke into houses
Bludgeoned people to death and wrote shit on their skin and left ‘em
They finally got him and he went to San Quentin— christian (@nopoweradeinusa) December 11, 2018
Ghost Who Died Edging pic.twitter.com/IEIKNCkxlo
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) December 11, 2018
listeing to the updated version of the “baby its cold outside” song where the guy’s trying to convince the woman to leave so he can jack off
— wint (@dril) December 12, 2018
bro just plopped down like we’re not gonna have to avoid eye contact for the next 15 minutes pic.twitter.com/sGXTbqnqLc
— eczema koenig (@clarkdoggy) December 13, 2018
I realized I do some of my best downward spiraling stuck in traffic. It’s like if I can’t move physically, might as well move emotionally
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 13, 2018
my organs watching me take medication on an empty stomach with cold brew pic.twitter.com/NE2kEltuzV
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) December 13, 2018
my depression on sicko mode
— insane (@deIuge) December 14, 2018
You’re a mean one Mr. pic.twitter.com/Su1YL5BWts
— Dewayne “Not Dwayne” Perkins (@DewaynePerkins) December 16, 2018
when u spend all day thinkin of a tweet and it flops https://t.co/d2u90go6WC
— mag (@neverhitpuberty) December 13, 2018
Guys literally live in apartments like this and don’t see the problem pic.twitter.com/DFcmZlpiX2
— Connor Wroe Southard (@ConnorSouthard) December 16, 2018
uber pools are great if you wanna save $4 by listening to someone drunker than you ask the driver a bunch of racist questions.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) December 15, 2018
I jokingly emailed Chuck E. Cheese about removing me from their banned list. They asked what city it happened in and I got this email back today (I didn’t do any of this) pic.twitter.com/fDdz85U5KA
— Liam (@706Liam) December 14, 2018
When you’ll fuck whoever but just choose to beat off that’s a personal pansexual.
— Dr. Nasty (@Derekomedy) December 14, 2018