Happy 8th of July everybody. We hope you spent the 4th with people you love, and maybe made a donation to RAICES (the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services) to give back to others trying to celebrate the freedom we get. Of course, you could have just gotten drunk or eaten too many veggie dogs. We aren’t your parents. What we are is your friendly local compilers of fine Tweets, and good lord do we have a batch for you this week. So grab some leftovers from the fridge and enjoy the funniest tweets of the week. It’s your patriotic duty.
New film “Yesterday” imagines a nightmare world where boomer cultural hegemony never ends
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) June 30, 2019
I just took a super sexy pic of myself that I was gonna send to this dude I’m seeing but then I realized my underwear say, “I love you” so now I just have to hold onto this picture until I’m in love so I can send it like it’s fresh the way I assume men do with dick pics.
— Jessica Michelle Singleton (@JMScomedy) June 29, 2019
The American Apparel empire deserved to collapse they made shirts designed exclusively to emphasize pitstains and it was essentially domestic terrorism
I’m always the friendliest to my friends’ boyfriends & then when they break up I’m vicious about things like the guy’s hair and voice and the guy is always like “but I thought you actually liked me!” and I’m like “bitch that was nothing—just a trick of the light!”
i ordered food and the dude delivering was like “i put a movie in there for u” and i was expecting it to be a visual album for a mixtape or something but it was just a bootleg copy of any given sunday pic.twitter.com/ijGBycD6ht
Someone at a show last night told me I have whopper hands and I didn’t know what they meant til I googled it this morning. Hahaha fuck dude. I won’t be able to make eye contact with anyone for weeks pic.twitter.com/JkaSsuyoz2
sad lesbian threat levels low – early Sleater-Kinney with 3 Jewel songs mixed in guarded – full on Tegan and Sara elevated – Tori Amos but only “Little Earthquakes” high – Fiona Apple but mostly “Paper Bag” on repeat severe – Ani DiFranco
— Corey Ryan Forrester First Of His Name (@CoreyRForrester) July 3, 2019
the military parade thing is cool because you either think it’s the dawn of fascism or the greatest moment of honor in the nation’s history but it happened because Donald Trump misremembered something and thinks Hendrik Hertzberg said he’d never be able to start a parade in 1981
— replying to media co. and calling them “my dude” (@ByYourLogic) July 3, 2019
Can’t wait for the wave of “How Ari Aster’s Midsommar Made Me Want to Be a Better Boyfriend” essays.
conservatives: cancel culture has gone so mad that you cant even write about the merits of death penalty for women who have abortions without getting cancelled
also conservatives: GILLETTE IS CANCELLED. NIKE IS CANCELLED. LITTLE MERMAID IS CANCELLED. YOU’RE ALL CANCELLED.
BLACK ME: The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning. Too muck smoke coming off that grill. it too hot. The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning. https://t.co/93dl1qmShB
today is the 7th anniversary of san diego accidentally setting off their entire show at the same time, resulting in the funniest and most efficient fireworks show ever
