In the face of tragedy, Twitter occasionally proves itself to be a salve of joyful stupidity against th horrors of the worlds. This week was a once in a lifetime chance to riff with hundreds of thousands of people about feral hogs while the nation was dealing with the icy aftermath of two horrific mass shootings. It started when a man questioned country singer Jason Isbell’s claim that if you were arguing about the definition of assault weapon anymore you were the problem. Then a hero spoke up.
Legit question for rural Americans – How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?
— William McNabb (@WillieMcNabb) August 4, 2019
The internet took his legit question and ran with it. Hundreds of thousands of people Tweeted jokes about feral hogs. It was pure. It was stupid. It was one of the oddest cases of traumatized people shit posting in the face of horror. We thought long and hard about how many feral hogs Tweets to add this week. In the end we only chose a few. Because ultimately, the magic of feral hogs was in the moment of discovery. If you weren’t there when 30 to 50 feral hogs ran into the internet’s yard, well you’ll never really know what it’s like.
Remember 30-50 feral hogs? That was six years ago today.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) August 9, 2019
Legit question for D&D Players – How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my Sylvan Forest within 3-5 rounds while my small adventure party explores? pic.twitter.com/uEuwApY0NW
— Dungeons And Donalds (@DungeonsDonald) August 6, 2019
Just spent 3-5 minutes of my life trying to explain 30-50 feral hogs to someone who doesn’t use Twitter. The struggle is real. #feralhogspic.twitter.com/dtwaqV40HU
— Colleen Kelley (@ckkelley) August 6, 2019
my children: just peacefully playing in the garden
30-50 feral hogs: pic.twitter.com/rFELvFZpmt
— orion (@Walpvrgia) August 7, 2019
How to get rid of 30-50 #feralhogs without an assault rifle. #fentonpic.twitter.com/ubqVyV2mZT
— Birdy Num Num (@birdy_num_num) August 7, 2019
Struck by how many white people have expressed fear of my working-class black and brown neighborhood, even though we utterly lack the resources and police protection required to stockpile armor and weapons or commit mass murder and live to tell about it
— Lauren Lavín (@lalavin666) August 4, 2019
One of my reply guys blocked my boyfriend and honestly that’s the most effort a man has ever put into having an affair with me
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) August 5, 2019
If I don’t start getting the attention I deserve around here I will absolutely post a topless photo with a caption about the Iraq War
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) August 4, 2019
Being an adult means knowing Daria deserved better than Trent.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 5, 2019
Everybody wants to talk abt how fat the south is, but no one wants to give us credit for also havin the skinniest white ppl on earth. A 98 pound man in jorts at a dollar general sayin “get them kids some chips” – that’s us too
— Drew Morgan (@drewmorgcomedy) August 5, 2019
Once I hooked up with a classically hot guy I knew who only ever dated tiny perfect blondes and the whole time he was like, almost in disbelief, “You have such a good personality,” which should have offended me but instead I was like yeah I know how I got here take your shirt off
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) August 5, 2019
No offense but father being alive again would actually suck https://t.co/x2WSdttQYC
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) August 5, 2019
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) August 5, 2019
when megan thee stallion said “i knock the shit out that bitch like an enema” she did more than the past 50 years of american sexual education
— jaboukie? (@jaboukie) August 6, 2019
It was so terrible, we used to listen to people tell stories about crimes to relax, and every now and then an egg would be bigger than before, or there’d be 30-50 feral hogs and that was our only source of joy. -me describing now to my nonexistent grandkids
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 6, 2019
Why must our nation tremble before the hordes of 30-50 feral hogs as helpless citizens cower in limp terror? Why can’t God-fearing Americans stand tall and take up what is rightfully theirs—the right to shoot hog after hog in front of their children?
— Mike Gravel (@MikeGravel) August 5, 2019
this is what I picture when someone tells me they went to the new school pic.twitter.com/4JyYhzAEKO
— next best american tweeter (@boy___troy) August 6, 2019
Why didn’t you invite me to your intimate gathering even though I never text back and also never come out? It’s rude.
— Rae Sanni (@raesanni) August 6, 2019
Unless you’re punishingly hot “you look so much like I did at your age” is always a devastating own on a teen
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 6, 2019
No one is more deeply perverted than people who are hyper traditionalist about gender roles especially if they’re the type that’s also really obsessed w like white European art aesthetics. The horniest people alive
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) August 6, 2019
RIP to Toni Morrison. Beloved quote giver to white college girls everywhere
— Listen to @onbeliefpod Li’l (@karengeier) August 6, 2019
YOU: the meritocracy exists
THIS LADY, DRIVING HER $50k SUV TO GET HER WEEKLY $180 BLOW OUT: when the animated corpse of JFK Jr solves the Delcroix Configuration & unlocks the satellites that’ll shoot lasers into the skulls of every pedophile on earth, it’s over for you bitches https://t.co/B54e4QVor7
— Mega IQ King Jake Paul Sartre (@PissJugTycoon) August 7, 2019
all white ppl’s ancestors are in hell except for the Irish and Italian ones I don’t make the rules
— ashley ray (@arayyay) August 7, 2019
What’s a fuck up you think about constantly? I remember in high school, our football coach was yelling at another player and probably meant to say he was gonna “bust his ass” but instead said “im gonna bust your nut” and I’ve thought about it quarterly for the last 16 years.
— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) August 7, 2019
Fun thing about bernie going on Rogan is thinking about every dumb guy I’ve known for the last 10 years listening to it at the gym and looking thoughtfully out the window into the distance
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) August 8, 2019
i didn’t get the job but here’s what i submitted to write for banksy pic.twitter.com/zHKCxhL2ZD
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) August 9, 2019
An out-of-town white supremest tried to throw a straight pride parade in Modesto and he let the truth slip in a city council meeting. You can’t make this shit up pic.twitter.com/LwwHo7c5EY
— Dewd (@mmanning24) August 8, 2019
My favorite goof is telling people my actual appropriate rate for freelance work and them never responding
— Babs Gray (@BabsGray) August 7, 2019