The Funniest Tweets of the Week

The holidays are officially over. With no more festive distractions, all we have is a few football games to take our mind off the fact that it’s cold and wet and the sun disappears at 6 p.m. It’s a new year, a new decade (technically), and maybe… a new war? Trump decided to kick-off his potential (please, please God, please) last year in office by assassinating General Qassem Soleimani, one of the most powerful men in Iran, in an airstrike on Thursday. Meanwhile, Australia is literally on fire. It is only January 3.

We don’t know what else 2020 will bring and right now it’s looking pretty bleak. So, today, let’s go register to vote or double-check our voter registration status (random purging is still happening). Oh, and here are some funny tweets to read after.

Post Malone looks like he fell asleep on a notebook

— Carmen Lagala (@CarmenLagala) January 1, 2020

WARNING: for at least the next two weeks, everyone around you will be trying to be their best selves, stay safe out there

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 2, 2020

my thing is ppl at parties ask me if I’m okay

— jes tom (@jestom) January 1, 2020

My favorite part of Christmas is going on IG and seeing what inspirational quotes are stenciled on the walls of all my friends’ parents’ homes

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— Maybe: lauren ashley smith (@msLAS) December 26, 2019

LA Apartment listings: You’re creative. You’re passionate. You have a dream and you’re going for it. Stylish bungalow available in the heart of the action. Haunted by Hedy Lamarr! (Don’t worry, she’s friendly) Pets welcome.

NY Listings: Room available Jan 4th. You want it?

— Janelle Thee Comedian (@janellejcomic) December 27, 2019

stevie nicks: ok so this one is called “eat shit and die you fucking fuck” what do y’all think?
lindsey buckingam: ok lets call it silver springs and leave it off the album

— christina (@floozyesq) December 27, 2019

Christmas Eve: ohhh my childhood home! I want to stay here forever!!

Two days after Christmas: if I don’t leave in the next ten minutes I will physically explode

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 28, 2019

Pete Buttigieg has the confidence of a coffee shop with no WiFi.

— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) December 28, 2019

I know everything about my best friends’ lives like every single detail except what they do for work

— mb (@marybethbarone) January 2, 2020

drank white claw last night and talked to my roommates for the first time in months. “have you guys ever had white claw” i said. they have!

— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) January 1, 2020

What a decade. I graduated high school, then college, then became a comedian, rendering both degrees useless.

— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) December 31, 2019

How rich do you have to be to own zero underwear you hate

— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) December 27, 2019

reflection on the decade: in 2010 i got a UTI from cheeto fingers and in 2019 i got a UTI from cheeto fingers

— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) December 31, 2019

Remember when people created an alternate universe theory over the Berenstain Bears instead of accepting that they were dumb kids.

— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) December 29, 2019

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Not only do I have a favourite frying pan, I also have a least favourite frying pan, which I consider my nemesis

— mindflakes (@mindflakes) December 28, 2019

If the Instagram caption about your relationship makes me hit see more and you’re not getting married? Fucking get a diary sweetheart

— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) December 29, 2019

Baby Yoda implies the existence of a Sporty Yoda, Scary Yoda, Ginger Yoda, and Posh Yoda

— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) December 30, 2019

Whenever a guy is like “go make me a sandwich” I’m like “go fight in the war”

— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) December 30, 2019

gentrifier restaurants calling food “provisions”…. motherfucker this is southport not the oregon trail

— Jon Dale (@dalejondale) January 1, 2020

To anybody I hurt this year, I just want to say you deserved it. Stop playing with me

— Jaylonn© (@htxjaylo) December 31, 2019

murderer: any last words

me: am i annoying be honest :/

— justin (@farringt0n) January 1, 2020