The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
It’s Bong Joon Ho’s world now, the rest of us just live in it. The Oscars were on Sunday and they were… long! The show proceeded without a host, again, and instead decided to fill their runtime with presenters presenting presenters, an opening musical number that referenced multiple films not nominated for anything, and Eminem for reasons still unknown. Despite Mr. Mathers’ random-as-hell performance of an 18-year-old song, the best part of the night was seeing Todd Phillips get beat out by Bong Joon Ho and the Parasite crew for Best Director and Best Picture. The film went on to win for Best Original Screenplay, Best International Film, and Best Oscar GIFs (unofficial). While we’re busy handing out accolades, let’s look at the nominees for Paste’s funniest tweets of the week.
ME: hello
CHARACTER IN A WES ANDERSON FILM: good evening. or salutations. or perhaps it’s almost goodnight, i’m sorry. i was never good with time or clocks or meaningful friendships, huh. …do you know how to get to the TITLE OF FILM? blinks thrice
90s FRENCH SONG PLAYS
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) February 12, 2020
remembering when all the women everywhere were like “don’t hit on women while they’re at work!” like I support y’all but you’ve effectively ruined my life and I hope ur happy
— samm severin (@waitressboner) February 12, 2020
Amy Klobuchar is the favorite candidate of Americans who feel powerless to get back their lawnmower, which their neighbor borrowed MONTHS ago.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 12, 2020
when i overhear gossip that has nothing to do with me or anyone i know or have ever met pic.twitter.com/qpSHhhDWs8
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 11, 2020
Give a man an ass and he’ll eat for a day.
But, teach a man to ass and … (1/52)
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 11, 2020
Do I go on a date with a 41 year-old who has “never missed a Coachella” or do I call my dad?
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) February 11, 2020
What throws me off about Amy Klobuchar is she’s named Amy. That’s a Joan and don’t tell me otherwise.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 11, 2020
Chrissy Tiegen: guys I made floor nachos, they’re nachos you eat while you sit on the floor & fart up an area rug, lol am I even allowed to say that
BuzzFeed: Umm Floor Nachos!? 10 More Reasons To Abandon The False Abrahamic God & Sacrifice Vestal Virgins In Chrissy’s Name— Jake Paul Sartre (@PissJugTycoon) February 11, 2020
If anyone ever tells you that Italians aren’t white just remind them that we came up with the phrase “that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!” We think meatballs are spicy. We’re white.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) February 11, 2020
Me bothering Kenan pic.twitter.com/iRZKSmJ6Pd
— Steven Castillo (@STEEEZUSCHRIST) February 10, 2020
MY girlfriend and I will often debate which is “nerdier” to be an ardent fan of: Lord of the Rings (her) or Looney Tunes (me). I maintain MINE is cooler, because, folks, last time I checked it wasn’t GANDALF who was good friends with MICHAEL JORDAN OF THE CHICAGO BULLS!!!
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) February 13, 2020
saying “I’m a comedian”
hackdating red flagwhat are u, Joker?saying “please love me oh god please”
honeststate ur needspolite (“please” twice)— jes tom (@jestom) February 13, 2020
mulan: i’m going to war instead of u
her dad: no. i forbid this
mulan:
her dad: but if u do there’s a sword in the shed i’ll leave the light on for u
mulan: ok i-
dad: armors there too. should fit perfect
— eli the average guy (@jazz_inmypants) February 12, 2020
NYC public transit is like “Due to an earlier incident in 1972, trains are delayed in all directions. We apologize for the inconvenience for the next 1,000 years.”
— Maria Wojciechowski (@RiaWojo) February 13, 2020
Jameela Jamil was hit by the first brick thrown at Stonewall… twice
— W (@Wkhnage) February 12, 2020
No One Has All 3:
-a job that doesn’t under pay you
-a brain that produces serotonin
-a valentine— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 12, 2020
midnight snack?? you mean you wake up in the middle of the night and you have food in the fridge? that you didn’t eat during the day????? ok wow the queen of france has entered the chat
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) February 13, 2020
Nobody:
Every episode of ANTM between 2003-2012: pic.twitter.com/8G6Mt2sed8
— Cleotrapa’s whole personality (@cleotrapawest) February 12, 2020
every four years i am reminded that there are way too many states. combine maryland and delaware who would even notice
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) February 12, 2020
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
— Rawan (@Rozb7aleeb) February 12, 2020