The Funniest Tweets of the WeekPhoto by Demi-Felicia Vares, courtesy of Unsplash Comedy Lists Tweets of the Week
HEY! It’s Friday—the first Friday of December—and that means two things: you should go buy a lot of music on Bandcamp, and you should also take a look at this dumb collection of funny tweets that I cobble together every week. I mean, if you’re reading these words you’ve already clicked on the link, so you’re probably already at least somewhat committed to looking at these tweets. Smart choice. Hopefully you’re even more committed to helping out independent artists and musicians over at Bandcamp. That’s not like an official Paste endorsement, or anything—just one dude’s opinion. A lot of labels and bands use Bandcamp Friday to raise money for various charities or other worthwhile causes, so even more reason to loosen the ol’ purse strings and buy some new music today. Or old music, even. Sometimes the best stuff is the old stuff. Especially if you’re also old and can’t really get into all this new-fangled jive the kids are hyped up on. Kids: ya gotta love ‘em.
Hey: Read these tweets, like ‘em, share ‘em, follow the people who wrote ‘em, and good luck over the next week. We’re rooting for you. Unless you’re an asshole.
why is frozen sperm so expensive when guys jack off in work meetings for free
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 27, 2020
he’s having a main character moment pic.twitter.com/BghOzxCovJ
— afrah (@goldenberryx) November 28, 2020
The best thing I’ve learned this week is that when squirrels fall/jump – they land like superheroes pic.twitter.com/XuY80hCuNp
— (@JackDMurphy) November 27, 2020
If The Leftovers happened in 2020 it’d be a single episode where everyone just said “It’s only 2% of the population, who cares?” and then the series was over
— Brittany Van Horne (@_brittanyv) November 29, 2020
Kids imagining what life would be like at 40.. pic.twitter.com/BDudyfb211
— Tariq Ali (@aliboomaye) November 29, 2020
I’m sorry for “The Thin Blue Line.” You solve a murder mystery and then people think that’s all documentary should do.
— errolmorris (@errolmorris) November 30, 2020
readin up on quibi pic.twitter.com/m8xCLx6elb
— rory strahan-mauk (@rorystrahanmauk) November 30, 2020
Weird name for a kid pic.twitter.com/7dRD6OQETC
— Screamer Jim (@HeheWaitWhut) December 1, 2020
Weird that Stephen Miller waited until today to post a photo of his Thanksgiving meal pic.twitter.com/XIyQNmVdxj
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) November 30, 2020
I’m devastated… just found out my fiancé of five years was Sacha Baron Cohen
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 1, 2020
Just smaller what’s so hard about that pic.twitter.com/4BnhfxKCvV
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) December 2, 2020
$500/month for health insurance? U are vastly overestimating my interest in being alive
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) December 3, 2020
my favorite part of Mank is the theme song pic.twitter.com/7VrtaEbk7y
— Jacob Oller (@JacobOller) December 3, 2020
Axios: Andrew Dice Clay under consideration for Ambassador to the UN
Why It Matters: The Ambassador to the UN is America’s representative to the globe.
The Big Question: Can the Diceman overcome a history of bigoted remarks?
Be Smart: Sources say POTUS “adored” ADC’s MSG show.
— noah kulwin (@nkulw) December 3, 2020
republicans: fuck you eat shit & die
democrats: fuck you eat shit & die, performed by john legend & beyonce
— aaron (@posadist_trapgd) December 3, 2020
getting super attached to the monolith bc it keeps leaving without a trace and showing up randomly and suddenly and expecting me to care
— chad michaelson (@eggshellfriend) December 4, 2020
paul mccartney making wonderful christmastime pic.twitter.com/yW42cFoIoe
— anja (@internetanja) December 2, 2020
“i will not be manipulated in my own fucking house” i shout as i reach for my cat’s treats again
— jame (@video_jame) December 3, 2020
MARC MARON: now does the whole “serial killer” label bother you?
JIGSAW: thinking for a bit it did starting out, yes
MARC MARON: because i think what everyone’s missing there is, you give people the choice
JIGSAW: of course, that’s the whole idea
— Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso) December 4, 2020
Unfortunately for me a huge part of bein a girl is like”oooooh hope im pretty enough for a guy who sucks”
— helena (@freshhel) December 4, 2020
need a weighted blanket so heavy that it crushes my bones and I disintegrate into mere dust, settling back into the earth from whence i came
— ziak (@zziak22) December 3, 2020