The Funniest Tweets of the Week

This week’s tweets are brought to you by Delta Airlines. “Delta: Earn 60,000 bonus miles for a limited time with Delta Skymiles.” As part of our sponsorship arrangement with Delta, we are required to disclose that we do not condone any interpretation of these tweets that suggests any manner of political violence toward anyone, however gratifying it may be to imagine. We are also required to state that William Shakespeare is a big old dope whose beard sucks and is bad and who says words dumb and his plays are too long. “Delta: Earn 700 miles or more on each Hertz rental and save when you book with Hertz on delta.com.” Restrictions may apply.

ahhh ISIL….you gotta hand it to them pic.twitter.com/5MNBQbsVbZ

— Murs With Wound (@bshoup) June 10, 2017

“What do you want on the side?”
“What?”
“The side of the box, we gotta print something there too.”
“Uh, ‘Home of the pizza’? I don’t know!” pic.twitter.com/0QZSNOeaaO

— James Poniewozik (@poniewozik) June 10, 2017

i am assured the Secret Service has been made aware of and has issued a warning to the playwright, [squints at notes] William Shakespeare https://t.co/1ekoSxdxN2

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— ANTHONY OLIVEIRA (@meakoopa) June 11, 2017

My favorite part of the Tony Awards is when I’m on my fourth glass of wine yelling “THAT SHOULD BE ME UP THERE” at the TV.

— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) June 11, 2017

I was born a matron but I will die an ingenue.

— Paula Pell (@perlapell) June 11, 2017

Today is the 2 year anniversary of me chipping my front tooth on a beer bottle to impress a guy who it turns out already had a girlfriend.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 9, 2017

this post should be taught in composition classes https://t.co/RCmiiI8BkY

— Grower Parliament (@ByYourLogic) June 11, 2017

this is the first thing you see after you die pic.twitter.com/9dzZhdiQYh

— d?(?)lt?n (@lilghosthands) June 11, 2017

Fuck steel, kill guns, marry germs

— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) June 10, 2017

sharia kicks ass. retweet to place the town you live in under sharia law

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) June 10, 2017

its a nice letter that shows how the criminal justice system will let rich people off with a nice letter https://t.co/0DViMtlXAn

— David Grossman (@davidgross_man) June 8, 2017

yea I read about this in The Federalist Papers. Apparently it’s totally cool to accept lucre from a foreign crown if you own an event space. https://t.co/7DElhkThj6

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) June 9, 2017

Wow. Corbyn just called me to say “I couldn’t have done it without your shitposting, you’re the real hero”. Proper legend.

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 9, 2017

may running on corbyn’s support for irish militants, then groveling for support from irish militants, is an almost unbeatable cosmic joke

— wally rando (@cd_hooks) June 9, 2017

Just triggered Article 50 and called an election, now to have a big sip of coffee and check the exit poll

— Scott Limbrick (@ScottLimbrick) June 8, 2017

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pic.twitter.com/4e5AZ6aIDx

— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 8, 2017

Can’t believe the leaker’s name is Reality Winner…when those are two words I know from other contexts

— Luke O’Neil (@lukeoneil47) June 6, 2017

Why does Hemsworth, the largest Chris, not simply eat the other three??

— donnie (@donniemnemonic) June 8, 2017

Hey GOP, if you want us to stop insulting the President, your argument can’t be that he’s too stupid to know how to be president

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 8, 2017

“serve at the pleasure of the President” is the creepiest phrase we’ve all spent our lives accepting as ok

— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 8, 2017

When I finally see the pee tape someday pic.twitter.com/wm66FVEWw9

— Jake Cole (@notjustmovies) June 8, 2017

Can’t wait to see our nation’s enormous former FBI director testify about our large president. This is what America is all about

— Erin ????Gloria???? Ryan (@morninggloria) June 8, 2017

the duality of man pic.twitter.com/akqJNyDsh2

— crissy (@crissymilazzo) June 10, 2017

pic.twitter.com/aDPXHQSyN2

— Morgana (@discomfiting) June 7, 2017

Comey’s notes from his meeting with Trump are really something pic.twitter.com/QB5HNsPHkr

— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) June 7, 2017

friend: so what did you think of my webseries dude

me: pic.twitter.com/baWPaNwBkA

— Neil (@neilsharmz) June 7, 2017

Whoa pic.twitter.com/nFnNHNglvU

— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) June 7, 2017

All right, this part of the testimony is a little weird. pic.twitter.com/r5Ys7id5E1

— summer goth (@NicCageMatch) June 7, 2017

“he wanted loyalty but all I could promise was honesty” -james comey pic.twitter.com/dHW6rsuESQ

— Ziwe (@ziwe) June 7, 2017

wow this Comey testimony is going to make headlines pic.twitter.com/Ve3zgiQ1J5

— ???? Dollars Horton ???? (@crushingbort) June 7, 2017

Comey should consider applying for a creative writing MFA pic.twitter.com/yKutbVs6dB

— Alena Smith (@internetalena) June 7, 2017

How not to start a sentence pic.twitter.com/BlG9hT1CNA

— Hussain (@Chemzes) June 7, 2017

Look man, I don’t even have time in my day for ERIC Trump’s shit

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 7, 2017

pic.twitter.com/1YXY1QIFys

— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) June 6, 2017

COLONEL JESSUP [rushing back into the courtroom] In case you forgot, I ordered the Code Red! It was me! I did it. https://t.co/UJIxhpUOnZ

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 6, 2017

photoshopped barron’s head onto kathy griffin’s body and now the poor kid thinks he beheaded his own father. what a mess

— KRANG T. NELSON (@KrangTNelson) June 5, 2017