The Funniest Tweets of the Week

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Friends, welcome to the tweets. I chose them especially for you. When this post goes live I will be on a plane flying high above these United States. Specifically I will be in seat 17D, which isn’t the seat I wanted but it’s the seat I got. In all likelihood I will be snoozing into my travel pillow, but maybe I’ll be wide awake reading a book. The website says they’ll be serving breakfast, so we all have that to look forward too. Some nice little airplane yogurt with a handsome little airplane spoon. Probably I won’t spring for the wifi but if I do spring for the wifi, I look forward to seeing you all in The Discourse. Happy travels to all, especially me:

Goodwill find of 2017: giant Christ knocking on UN building windows pic.twitter.com/M1OAIRCQd7
— atrubekabee (@atrubek) December 8, 2017

Shoutout to my ex-mother-in-law who had exactly one thing written on her December calendar page each year and it was JOHN LENNON SHOT DEAD
— Andi Zeisler (@andizeisler) December 8, 2017

damn. can’t believe they went there pic.twitter.com/EWoG5crb4r
— Paul Danke (@pauldanke) December 9, 2017
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I HATE WATCHING MEN DO STANDUP SO WHY WOULD I WATCH A TV SHOW ABOUT IT ?????????????
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) December 10, 2017

We live in one of the most interesting and insane times in human history, have so many stories to draw from, and movies are being made about a woman falling in love with a fish man
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) December 8, 2017

Hubris is attending a 20 year anniversary panel on Wag the Dog, and thinking it’s just gonna be a night of fanfare for Wag the Dog.
— Beth Newell (@bethnew) December 5, 2017

me, absolute moron, dumbest of the dumb: I cannot wait to go gentle into that good night
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) December 10, 2017

[listens to sufjan once] pic.twitter.com/jzzJi6qA1r
— d?(?)lt?n (@lilghosthands) December 9, 2017

Finally, it can be tried as an adult. https://t.co/I68f1bwBuD
— Michael Brendan Dougherty (@michaelbd) December 9, 2017

why the fuck would you taste it https://t.co/oUpsqgyWDq
— alexander (@whosalexander) December 8, 2017

Well folks the results are in and the American experiment is a huge success! Congrats to all involved.
— Merry Fishmas! (Simpsons line. Mr Burns i think) (@patrickfdelaney) December 8, 2017

I made a trailer for Call Me By Your Name using clips from Monsters University. pic.twitter.com/r1ZRwZvHlx
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) December 9, 2017

me, inventing twitter: if only there was a way to learn about horrific current events by reading tons of jokes about them and parsing backwards
— Wilder Maker (@wildermaker) December 8, 2017
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DAMMIT PARKER I NEED VERTICAL VIDEOS OF SPIDER-MAN! AND THE VIDEOS NEED TO BE SUBTITLED SO YOU CAN WATCH THEM ON MUTE! YOU EXPECT THE BUGLE TO SELL ADS IN FRONT OF PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN?? GET OUT OF MY COWORKING SPACE
— Alex DANGER Q. Arbuckle (@alexqarbuckle) December 7, 2017

liberal arts major: hi
STEM major: hey
liberal arts major: how are you
STEM major: good how are you
liberal arts major: good
— Christmas? never heard of her (@frozenblueber) December 7, 2017

here’s my impression of a college student: [long-ass lanyard dangling out of cargo short pocket] dude the squirrels on campus are freaking crazy lol
— bobby ???? (@bobby) December 7, 2017

Beyoncé and Jay-Z making albums about their marital issues is the music equivalent of comedians doing TV shows about being comedians
— Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) December 7, 2017

if someone kills all your armed guards and is standing in your courtyard yelling for you to come out, don’t give in and respond. all they want is vengeance
— ???? doogal rememberer ???? (@crushingbort) December 7, 2017

cant wait for detective pikachu pic.twitter.com/ISffUEudsi
— nikki black (@nikkiblackcat) December 7, 2017

CANNOT imagine the ranch without Danny!!! (what’s the ranch) https://t.co/4UzoIvj03R
— John Early (@bejohnce) December 5, 2017

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I would like actual treatment by a mental health professional”
— good will to all ben (@UniqueDude2) December 7, 2017

I worry that Tommy Wiseau learned the wrong lesson from all of this.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) December 6, 2017

Hey @GDouglasJones it looks like you need some help so I made an ad you can use: pic.twitter.com/zepW2CoBTI
— Pixelated Ho Ho Hoat (@pixelatedboat) December 6, 2017

I’m asking Reddit to help me track down details of a book that came to me in a dream last night pic.twitter.com/FnxZe740kI
— David Thorpe (@Arr) December 5, 2017

out: six seasons and a movie
in: six seasons are a movie
— Brandon ???? (@bnowalk) December 5, 2017

For the better part of the year I’ve been completely fascinated with this person who frequently comments on movie websites I read pic.twitter.com/IVMQm8hEYh
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 6, 2017

Karl Marx staring in to the camera like he is on the Office pic.twitter.com/UTSOd2WTP4
— Fern appreciator (@tomkaffikopp) December 5, 2017

Extremely honored to announce that Disney hired me to remake their classic 2017 remake of their 1991 classic pic.twitter.com/tUxu0QyGC8
— andycane (@andipalmur) December 5, 2017

Incredible pic.twitter.com/7LLTHQOXEo
— Tiffany (@riptiff) December 5, 2017

Twitter is the app I use when I want to spend an enormous amount of psychic energy getting annoyed at people I don’t know right before I go to sleep
— Max Read (@max_read) December 4, 2017

I have turned
the plums
that were in
the icebox
into a joke
format
on Twitter
Forgive me
they were irresistible
so meme
such cool
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) December 4, 2017

It’s just like that old saying; “Do what you love for a living and the increasingly unclear distinction between your personal and professional identity will make it extremely difficult to feel emotionally secure at basically any point in the process”
— allison gallagher (@allisongallaghr) December 7, 2017

Hard to argue with that pic.twitter.com/ki1bnjaixA
— Sophie Strauss (@sophielstrauss) December 4, 2017

tfw u check out of the walking dead so long they add a tiger to the main cast to see if ur paying attention pic.twitter.com/WDoj8XwoAP
— Justin Linville (@justinmlinville) December 4, 2017

i hope that somehow mad max fury road wins best picture this year
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 4, 2017

I’ve decided some omens are optional pic.twitter.com/xUrxtsva0Y
— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) December 4, 2017