Okay everyone, I gotta do this intro paragraph real quick before I leave for Star Wars. That’s right, it’s Sunday night and I haven’t seen Star Wars yet and now is my turn to see Star Wars. None of my friends are around to see Star Wars with me on a Sunday night so I’m going to see Star Wars alone. I’m going to see it in 3D because all the 2D showtimes in my local theatre are sold out. I could see it in 2D at a slightly farther theatre but it’s cheaper to see it in 3D at the closer theatre than in 2D at the farther theatre. It’s a complicated world we live in and I love it. As to the last week: It was the week of “Cat Person” discourse; it was the week Doug Jones got elected; it was the week of Keaton; it was the week Michael Che and Colin Jost ascended to that most rarified of positions: two of SNL’s four co-head writers; it was the week of Star Wars, and specifically, the week I saw Star Wars. Well, here I go.
when you drink the water thats been sitting out on your bedside table for 3 days pic.twitter.com/oQ1e6Ol8Lj
— Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) December 14, 2017
That’s one way to disarm the police… https://t.co/gZzePdS4jZ
— Treva Lindsey (@divafeminist) December 15, 2017
horrifying: watch one of trump’s federal court nominees pronounce “judge” as “jubge”
— kev (@kept_simple) December 15, 2017
haha holy shit pic.twitter.com/F8AVeYxrI6
— Danimal /Armcannon (@armcannon) December 15, 2017
EVERY CHEF: I’m a badass! Look at all my tattoos! I can snort all the cocaine! I’VE KILLED A MAN! I ONCE SWALLOWED 10 BULLETS & A CARTON OF CIGS! Please try my lemon soufflé with cardamom & blackberry jam topped with a dollop of chiffon cream.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) December 16, 2017
it’s like I want to get a Christmas tree but it’s just gonna set off a magical chain of holiday surprises that turn my life upside down and teach me how to love again
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 14, 2017
“A movie about orc cops from the maker of Suicide Squad, written by Max Landis” is like a sentence created to see if you’re still listening
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 17, 2017
I feel bad for the little girls and boys who messed up their lines on last week’s SNL… the shame and stink of it will follow them throughout history!!
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) December 17, 2017
Marc Maron leaves the room for a second and I run over and sit in his chair
dehhhh I’m marc maron. my cat’s dead. I ran out of comedians to interview so now I gotta interview musicians. dehhhhh.
— Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso) December 16, 2017
So fucking annoyed. Crowd at my Last Jedi screening wouldn’t stop chanting “The. Town. The. Town” over and over until the theater buckled and played Ben Affleck’s The Town instead
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) December 15, 2017
Sorry to report that Matt Damon and Ben affleck , the men behind classic films such as What If Someone From Boston Were Smart , What if Someone From Boston Outsmarted the Cops & What if Someone From Boston Lost a Baby turned out to be … bad
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 15, 2017
If I had to give any advice to young artists starting off, it would be this: if you steal from me I’ll sue you into the ground.
— Brans-Siberian Orchestra (@bransonreese) December 15, 2017
— Ethan Klein (@h3h3productions) December 14, 2017
Welp, I’ve found the guy I can play in the movie. https://t.co/ECozHA8mUp
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) December 15, 2017
Everyone in the physical vicinity of Ajit Pai has a moral duty to do things very slow around him
— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) December 14, 2017
human life on earth should cease. it should be blown out like a candle, all at once. pic.twitter.com/ZfBnaAhIW5
— ????churly whirly???? (@chumbawalden) December 13, 2017
when I log on pic.twitter.com/zILsUXcAf9
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) December 13, 2017
For some reason Roy Moore thinks he has to put down his horse if he loses
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) December 13, 2017
This summer… the world is trains…. again. Snowpiercer 2: Choo Choo, Bitch
— Head Bee Guy (@BeckyEbben) December 12, 2017
With #TheLastJedi coming out it’s time to repost my STAR WARS Name Generator pic.twitter.com/qWQYXZvhKR
— Chip Zdarsky (@zdarsky) December 12, 2017
I’ve decided to deliver idiosyncratic performances in a string of heavily flawed indie films.
— Sean Clements (@SeanClements) December 12, 2017
This is the world’s weakest burn imaginable https://t.co/hzhBbJeiks
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) December 12, 2017
I would appreciate it if everyone would leave my son, Keaton, alone.
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) December 12, 2017
The Avengers responding to Keaton Jones before they had all the facts is yet more evidence that they need government oversight
— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) December 11, 2017
A child is going to go viral for eating a bunch of batteries and fall into a coma and then Elon Musk will post something like “Hey Dylan, we could use that kind of ingenuity… at Space X. DMs are open.”
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) December 11, 2017
sometimes when I’m with a friend I’ll wonder, what are they thinking about me? then I realize they’re probably remembering one of my classic bits, and smile
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) December 11, 2017
Interesting new social media strategy where the brand attacks you for using the product https://t.co/eFxgBRvZIm
— Alena Smith (@internetalena) December 11, 2017
the funniest thing in all of the world to me right now is imagining this kid politely declining pic.twitter.com/akbBjN7TAp
— ???????????????????????????? ???????????????????????? (@RYLANDDUNCAN) December 11, 2017
the only cat story for me the the one about the jailed khajiit fur trader who skinned his brother… he has one lockpick and the northern wall of his prison cell is weak from disrepair
— good will to all ben (@UniqueDude2) December 11, 2017