Dave Grohl admits to lying about his vocal regimen, vindicating my otolaryngologist and me

Two weeks ago, I wrote an article venting about the fact that Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl claimed beer and whiskey alone kept his vocal cords healthy the same week that my otolaryngologist told me I need to avoid all alcohol due to how severely damaged my own cords are. I was, understandably, irate. 

As I wrote then: “Has Big Otolaryngology been lying to me all along? Have they been feeding me falsehoods to make me buy the pantoprazole tablets prescribed to me? Could my problem actually be that I’m not drinking enough whiskey and beer? Exactly how much whiskey and beer, in liters, do I need to down daily to get rid of the nodes on my vocal cords? Dave Grohl and Dave Grohl’s doctor, please reach out to me immediately. I need clarification.”

And, shockingly, clarification has arrived. Despite telling the podcast Dish from Waitrose that he informed his doctor that his vocal regimen consisted of three beers and three shots of whiskey every night—and that his doctor responded, “Just don’t change what you’re doing. It’s working”—Grohl admitted the truth at an Irving Plaza show last Thursday. “Now listen, I know I make it seem like I don’t do vocal warm-ups,” the Foo Fighters frontman said, partway through “Monkey Wrench.” “I’ve said this before in the press. I’m like, ‘No, I just drink a couple beers and a shot of whiskey.’ It’s all a lie. I do extensive vocal warm-ups every night before coming onstage to ensure that I don’t lose my voice when we perform. I’ve kept it a secret for a long time.” 

Dave, thank you for your candor. You have set my heart and mind at ease, and I will now put aside the class action lawsuit against New York City otolaryngologists that I have been building for the past fortnight. But the timing of the confession makes me wonder: Dave Grohl, did you read my piece? Did you feel so guilty about my turmoil that you decided to come clean about a years-long lie onstage to ensure I continued to follow the actual advice my doctor gave me? That’s very sweet, Dave, but I was mostly joking; it’s okay. I promise. And hey, it looks like I don’t have throat cancer (my ultrasound pointed to mere swollen lymph nodes instead), so that’s always good! Don’t get me wrong, my throat is still screwed on the vocal cords side of things, but I’ll take nodes over cancer any day. And now I know to actually trust my otolaryngologist! So all’s well that ends well, I suppose.

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