Any music magazine can use its year-end issue to look back on the best of the year that was. But only Paste—using the latest findings from scientists at the Large Hadron Collider—has the technology to foretell the best of the coming year. Gaze with us into the crystal 8 ball as we reveal the secrets of 2009.
Jan. 13 President-elect Barack Obama appoints Jay-Z to be his Treasury Secretary, explaining, “Mr. Carter isn’t a businessman, he’s a business, man.”
Jan. 20 Katy Perry releases greatest-hits single.
Jan. 22 PitchforkMedia.com institutes new policy: From now on, all releases will be reviewed using only lolcats pictures.
Feb. 15 Lifetime airs Have You Seen My Panties? The Britney Spears Story.
Feb. 24 Ghost of Ronnie Van Zant begins haunting Kid Rock.
March 3 Moby produces album for his younger sister, Moby Lynn.
March 16 Deputy Treasury Secretary Suge Knight dangles Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao out of a window ’til he offers the U.S. billions in interest-free loans.
April 17 Amy Winehouse is quarantined after contracting what baffled scientists conclude can only be “The Andromeda Strain.”
May 12 To undermine the paparazzi, Kanye West begins taking his own picture at arm’s length whenever he’s in public, hollering at himself, “look over here!”
May 19 Apple files patents on “music,” “listening” and “ears.”
May 21 R. Kelly tells interviewer he’s hoping to meet Miley Cyrus at the Grammys this year, “while she’s still hot.” And he wants to know if they’re making any more High School Musical movies.