Chinese Military Newspaper: Our Army is Shrinking Because of Masturbation

A certain type of American likes to imagine the Chinese army as our greatest potential enemy, and for those people, this story should come as something of a relief. According to a military newspaper called the People’s Liberation Army Daily, masturbation and obesity are killing enrollment in the army and leading to rejection rates exceeding 50 percent in some areas. The Evening Standard has the story, and if you’re wondering how they gather this sort of data, the answer is: Measuring testicles.

A rising number of young Chinese people are failing fitness tests required to join the army because they are too fat and masturbate too much, state media has proclaimed.

The high rejection rate has triggered concerns that there are not enough youths in good physical condition to fill the ranks of the Chinese army.

A poor diet and frequent masturbation, leading to abnormally large testicular veins, are believed to be behind falling fitness levels

Personally, I don’t care about the size of the Chinese Army, or the testicle veins of their recruits, but as a journalist, I am heartened to know that even state-run military newspapers in China have resorted to clickbait.

Or should I say…click-bate.

(No. The answer is no. I shouldn’t say that.)