Putin’s Yankees: How Vlad Rigged the Russian Hockey Season for His Favorite Team
Photo by Anna Sergeeva/Getty
Hockey is a big, big deal in Russia. The famed 1980 Miracle on Ice—where the United States upset the heavily favored U.S.S.R.—is emblematic of its importance. Like Canada, Russia has plenty of frozen land where hockey is the best/only option to play sports, and Russians take immense pride in the game. NHL superstars like Ilya Kovalchuk and Pavel Datsyuk have left the league to go home and play in the Russian KHL. The league has fashioned itself as something of a competitor to the NHL, and it certainly has proven so when it comes to hoarding Russian talent. Some of the best Russian players in the world do not play in the NHL, which is to say that some of the best hockey players on Earth are not on NHL rosters.
Which is why this story about Putin corrupting the KHL is such a stark reminder of how far he will go to enforce his rule. Sure, he’s murdered political dissenters across the globe, but that’s par for the course for any despot. This ordeal is proof that Vladimir Putin fashions himself as something far closer to Kim Jong-Un than President Putin. This summary of the KHL season from Slava Malamud, a Russian sports writer, is completely, utterly, bonkers.
2/ SKA is allowed to ignore the salary cap, its payroll is 6 times that of an average team, it has dibs on every star who considers the KHL. Most of its players are rabid Putin supporters who took part in his campaign rally last week. I repeat: SKA must win. It’s not an option…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
4/ It goes like this: “Allowing all the best players to concentrate in one team has created unique chemistry that transitioned seamlessly to the Olympic squad. Making the KHL season easy for them has safeguarded against injuries and bad morale. This is why we won the gold”…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
6/ However, there is a problem… In the first round of the playoffs, SKA has drawn Severstal Cherepovets. It’s not a problem because Severstal is a strong opponent. Not at all. It’s an eternal minnow, which has been bad for so long, the league is considering it for contraction..
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
8/ Severstal is exactly in the same position as the Charleston Chiefs from Slapshot. Trying to stave off the seemingly inevitable demise by being a big story. Even Putin’s potential wrath isn’t a deterrent. There is also the fact that it’s totally unfair to contract Severstal…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
10/ So this brave little team from a hockey-mad industrial deathscape is being fed into SKA’s maw as a playoff appetizer. And it’s totally refusing to go down easy! If this wasn’t Russia, where evil always wins, it would’ve been Hoosiers, Miracle and Bad News Bears all in one…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
12/ SKA finally connects on the PP to go up, 3-2, only to see Severstal tie it in the last minute. No problem, though. The refs give SKA two more PPs in overtime, until they finally score. In Game 2, Severstal keep it close for a while, until eventually succumbing…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
14/ Then, this happens…https://t.co/G11kOWJqPP
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
“????????” ????? “????????”. ?? “??????????” – “???” ???????????? pic.twitter.com/t4uSdP6tMF
— HC Severstal (@severstalclub) March 7, 2018
16/ The replay officials saw exactly what you just saw. They conferred for several minutes and announced their verdict: good goal… Forget making this look plausible, Severstal has become more trouble than it’s worth. Better get them out of the way safely. This was too much…
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
18/ Putin’s pleasure and “the Motherland’s honor” are what counts. SKA must win. It’s the priority… But the last frame of Severstal’s little protest video declares, “Hockey Is More Important.” In today’s Russia, this is as big of an anti-Putin protest as one can be allowed.
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
20/21… is that everyone in Russia knows what’s going on. The fans, the officials, the media. It’s out in the open. And the people who have made it happen (all KHL bosses are Putin’s close friends) have already announced that the system has proven effective and should continue.
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
21/21 “For the glory of the Motherland”… All I have to say is this, guys. If you learn nothing else from Russia, please, learn to always, always run as fast as you can from the motherfuckers who say they want to bring glory to your country. I am done for tonight.
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
For those of you who wonder how the SKA-Severstal story ends, SKA has just swept its opponent, winning 2-0 in Game 4. The PIM count was SKA 31, Severstal 57. This is Russia, folks.
— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) March 8, 2018
Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.