The Champions League Soccer Final via G-Chat

Prior to Saturday’s Champions League final between Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid, Paste Soccer correspondents Shane Ryan and Spike Friedman got together on their favorite medium, G-Chat, to let loose with their thoughts on the match. These are the highlights.

Pregame

Shane Ryan
Spike, we’re about ten minutes away from kick-off, and Atletics vs. Real for the Champions League title, and we should probably tell people up front that this will be educational for me
you’re the knowledgeable soccer fan, i’m the novice
so hello, and congratulations to you on being an expert

Spike Friedman
Finally I’m expert in something!
The biggest story headed into this match is the fitness of Diego Costa
who is Atletico’s top goalscorer
this is likely his last game for the red and white’s before a rumored transfer to Chelsea
he tore his hamstring
and is back
because of horse placenta
whether he’s effective is going to be huge
and no one really knows what will happen

Shane Ryan
is the horse placenta thing true? i want it to be

Spike Friedman
it is!
he went to belgrade
got a horse placenta treatment

Shane Ryan
capital of horse placenta treatments

Spike Friedman
and is back three weeks earlier than expected
belgrade: well known for it’s quality horse placentas
you can get a horse placenta in madrid
but you don’t want it

Shane Ryan
yeah it’s super low grade horse placenta
my only worry with costa is that he’ll start behaving like a horse
is that a side effect?

FIRST HALF

Shane Ryan
KICK-OFF
okay, so tactics
my understanding is that real is favored
will be the aggressors, will win possession
and atletico broadly will pack it in and try to counter?
is that even close to being right?

Spike Friedman
Real can do anything
they’re incredible
but Atletico has a very specific system of pressing and ball recovery
they don’t just pack it in
they attack the ball carrier in different places and try to force the ball out wide without disrupting their core central defense
so they are a counter and break team, but they don’t just park the bus as it were

Shane Ryan
and as we saw last week in the final la liga match, and the champions league semi, it’s very effective against barcelona
but less so against real, judging by results
why’s that?

Spike Friedman
Atletico’s system is basically designed to prevent a team from attacking through the center of the pitch
if you have Messi that’s a big problem
if you have Ronaldo and Bale? Less of a problem

Shane Ryan
and atletico is a very tall team, too, right?
which also hurt barcelona?

Spike Friedman
yeah; when you shift the ball out wide and beg guys to cross into the box height comes into play

Shane Ryan
There’s no clock on my Fox2Go online feed!

Spike Friedman
I’m watching on TV
like a grownup
with the dulcet tones of Gus Johnson

Shane Ryan
i’m watching from a golf media room, like a true fan
and i’m glad i’ve got the british announcers, because to me, gus johnson is a miserable announcer

Spike Friedman
he is

Shane Ryan
of soccer, i should clarify

Spike Friedman
yeah, his CBB stuff is great
but he struggles with soccer
it has very different rhythms
Diego Costa’s hold up play is great

Shane Ryan
okay, definition request no. 1- what’s “hold up play”

Spike Friedman
the ability of a striker to maintain possession of the ball allowing time for support to come up

Shane Ryan
knowing what you said about atletico’s pressure is making this fun to watch
they’re relentless

Diego Costa Subs Out After Eight Minutes

Spike Friedman
WOW
Costa off
couldn’t go
huge mistake

Shane Ryan
and a huge blow for the belgrade horse placenta market
if this goes to 120 minutes
it hurts to lose that sub, right?

Spike Friedman
it hurts no matter what
Madrid is relentless

Shane Ryan
what kind of an offensive team is atletico when they aren’t counter-attacking?
how do they get their goals?
“from the set,” as they would say in basketball

Spike Friedman
they have great speed and delivery from Koke
but they are at their best when they are destabilizing their opponents with their press

Soccer Players are Attractive, Pt. 1

Shane Ryan
a look at the atletico bench reminded me how stylish soccer players are
and generally good-looking
i’d put soccer no. 1 in pro sports there, with the nfl last

Spike Friedman
yeah, soccer players have the best body type in professional sports
no question
lean muscle, 5’11 average height, good hair

Back to the Match

Spike Friedman
the best chances in this match will come if Real can hit Atletico on the break
but atletico’s fullbacks haven’t made a mistake yet
Ronaldo getting behind Juanfran is an auto chance for Real
Gabi is the rock for Atletico
he’s the captain
class defensive midfielder
Eric Wynalda is adding value with his words right now (SARCASM FONT)

Shane Ryan
i’m so glad i’m not listening to that feed
i don’t know if anyone could help gus johnson, but wynalda is like adding shit sauce to a shit sandwich

Spike Friedman
Sergio Ramos is playing great right now
shutting down anything direct from Atletico right now
he’s an underrated guy in some ways
he’s a red card magnet
but he’s so stout in defense
and quick
Real missing Xabi Alonso right now
who is out for yellow card accumulation
which I HATE
god, yellow card accumulation affecting cup finals is insane

Shane Ryan
the policy makes sense
but they should cut it off at the semis, right?

Spike Friedman
I guess it makes sense
it makes sense in league play
but in cup play?
meh
get rid of it all together
it sucks

Shane Ryan
and just let villains yellow card their way to the top?

Spike Friedman
sure!
I mean, yellow cards can be for anything
Ronaldo is drifting very central
Madrid is sliding Di Maria wider than he’s been playing when Xabi Alonso has been in
putting your best attacker in the teeth of the opposition’s defensive strength feels like a mistake
that break in particular didn’t work
because Ronaldo is so central
he plays it out to benzema wide who doesn’t have the pace
and as he cross backs in it gets blocked
I don’t get the tactics real is using right now
going away from what they did at their best

Important Questions Spike Won’t Answer

Shane Ryan
here’s a question for you
what should the rules be on when you translate a team’s name
like, “royal madrid” would sound pretty cool
“athletic madrid” less so

Momentum Swings, 30th Minute

Shane Ryan
Real is starting to dominate
i feel like atletico is slowly becoming even more defensive

Spike Friedman
that plays to their strength
Carvajal looks really sharp for Real right now though
Modric/Bale interplay is some sexy ex-SPurs action
HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
BALE MISS
wow
WOW
WOW

Shane Ryan
he went through the center like a knife through butter

Spike Friedman
because of where the ball was given away
Atletico can’t press in that moment
holy shit
horrifying giveaway

Shane Ryan
it seems like atletico is under a lot of stress
they need to play perfect
that can’t be fun

Spike Friedman
That’s how they got here though
They just got a freebie
that is so huge
this match could turn

GOAL! ATLETICO STRIKES FIRST, 1-0

Spike Friedman
GOAL
GOOOOOAL

Shane Ryan
OH MY GOD
GOAALLLLLL
that was the sloppiest goal i’ve ever seen!

Spike Friedman
INSANE
Diego Godin!

Shane Ryan
oh god casillas got caught with his pants down

Spike Friedman
that’s a great header
little chip
but yeah, if you come out you gotta punch it

Shane Ryan
terrible terrible terrible by casillas
but yeah, great chip header

Spike Friedman
and who called the match was going to turn?
me

Shane Ryan
FINE
still, i’d be shocked if real gets shut out

Spike Friedman
Atletico is going to shut it down like a woman’s reproductive system in the mind of a scientifically illiterate republican

Approaching the Half

Shane Ryan
58-42 real possession…roughly expected?

Spike Friedman
yeah, sounds right
remember that possession is usually calculated as just a raw percentage of total passes

Shane Ryan
god, madrid is on the run against this pressure

Spike Friedman
this is what atletico does

Shane Ryan
so how did real destroy them in the copa del rey final?

Spike Friedman
if they score first, then atletico has to chase
and if they chase the space opens up for Real’s wingers
and then everything changes

Shane Ryan
another madrid yellow
they need halftime badly
okay, classic american announcer question: Spike, WHAT DO YOU TELL THESE GUYS AT HALFTIME??

Spike Friedman
if I’m Simione I nod and smile
if I’m Ancelotti I just shake my head and sit silent
either way: silent treatment

HALFTIME!

Shane Ryan
before i get frozen yogurt, now is a good time to celebrate atletico madrid manager diego simeone
with these two articles
1. Deadspin
2. Grantland
also you still haven’t answered my royal madrid question
can i call them that?

Spike Friedman
fiiiiine
whatever you want to do man

Shane Ryan
yesssss

The Second Half Begins

Spike Friedman
LETS GO
SOCCER

Shane Ryan
it’s like the old saying, champions league doesn’t begin until the second half of the title match

Spike Friedman
Gus with a Jets and Sharks reference
just to let you know
I think that’s racist

Shane Ryan
the british announcers just made a Brideshead Revisited reference
not really

Bold Predictions, Pt. 1

Shane Ryan
you know what?
i’m calling this
match is over
real looks terrified
atletico wins

Spike Friedman
Real can score at anytime
I don’t think it’s over

Shane Ryan
DONE
i’ve never been so sure of anything in my life

Yankee Comparisons

Spike Friedman
interesting note: no one wears the 10 for Madrid
are they waiting for Zidane to come back?

Shane Ryan
that is odd
you’d expect ronaldo, obviously
but he’s like a-rod
zidane is more like jeter
so much heart

Spike Friedman
gah
GAH
what?
why?

Shane Ryan
he’ll do anything to win
but he’s a true madridista

Spike Friedman
jesus

Shane Ryan
i don’t consider ronaldo a true madrid-er

Spike Gets us Back on Track

Spike Friedman
this is a dangerous free kick for Real
THIBEAU!
TIM THIBEAU!
JESUS CHRIST SAVED THAT BALL!

Shane Ryan
wowwwwww
skip bayless is going to be all over thibeau on monday

Spike Friedman
Real on the front foot
man, the atmosphere

Shane Ryan
yeah this half is far more exciting
wait a second…is that comic sans font on the back of the Real jerseys??

Spike Friedman
it’s a problem

60th Minute, Real Getting Desperate

Spike Friedman
big double sub
this could be suicide
no one in Real’s midfield is a ball winner
it’s all creativity and attack
Khedira has been awful
he’s coming back from an ACL injury
just a mess
so they went for it
will be fun now
the marcelo sub I think is just for pace/stamina

Shane Ryan
seeing a team like real get desperate is always great
because they have so many weapons to deploy

Spike Friedman
oh yeah
their bench is all world class players
they miss jese and xabi right now, but whatever
Atletico is playing into real’s hands with those crosses

Shane Ryan
oh my god
ronaldo’s got to put that on goal, right?
oh no
too hard

Spike Friedman
yeah
that’s the thing is you gotta release the instinct to blame
the margins are so thin
sometimes things are just close

Shane Ryan
yeah and it happens so fast

Spike Friedman
and they’ve all run 8km at this point

Shane Ryan
which is like 15 miles

End Game

Spike Friedman
you gotta unpack this Atletico d
or open it up
they block everything

Shane Ryan
isn’t that the mistake barca made, though?
isn’t there something to be said for trying to create bad luck by doing anything to get the ball on goal?

Spike Friedman
you give up possession though
I mean, you want to draw atletico out
but with 20 minutes left down a goal that won’t be easy

Shane Ryan
wow bale will be ruing this match for a while
it’s crazy how they’ve had NOTHING on goal
despite lots of chances
ronaldo’s free kick is the only one i can remember

Spike Friedman
CRIS!
KEEP IT DOWN CRIS

Shane Ryan
cool-looking attempt, though
that should count for half a goal
in a perfect world

Spike Friedman
agreed

Shane Ryan
atletico is fully into pack-it-in mode now
the subtlety seems gone

Spike Friedman
Yup
OH BALE
YOU GOTTA GO FAR POST
MY GOD

Shane Ryan
OH MY GOD BALE WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU EVEN DOING
i want some ronaldo heroics
bad
i’ve changed my tune
i don’t hate him anymore
i hate this defense from atletico

Spike Friedman
Wynalda just said he’d be “Astounded”
if there is no red card
ASTOUNDED

Fake Injury Time

Shane Ryan
oh boy
it’s fake injury time!
everyone’s favorite

Spike Friedman
you have to accept the injury thing
just accept it

Shane Ryan
i can’t
i never can
it’s awful

Spike Friedman
it’s fine
get over it
you have to

Shane Ryan
nope
i literally will never get over it
it would be so easy to legislate

Spike Friedman
okay
well
it isn’t

GOAL! REAL EQUALIZES IN INJURY TIME, 1-1

Shane Ryan
DAMN
real are all over this
this is like a military stand for Atletico
and the reinforcements = final whistle

Spike Friedman
holy crap
this is going incredibly fast
OHHHHHHHH
JKF:E:JIWE:IOJO:IJWEI:
RAIJ:FI:E:IOWKO:EWKPO:EW
OH MY GOD
SERGIO RAMOS
OH MY GOD

Shane Ryan
oh my god
YESSSSSSSS
EQUALIZZZZERRRRRRRR

Spike Friedman
HOLY SHIT
THIS IS THE BEST MATCH

Shane Ryan
REAL WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU, ATLETICO
ALWAYS!
JUST LIKE THE YANKEES!

Spike Friedman
HE KNEW IT WHEN IT CAME OFF HIS HEAD

Shane Ryan
THIS IS A TRIUMPH FOR THE YANKEES!
oh my god, what a header
so perfectly placed
that’s insane

Spike Friedman
this is a full Gus Johnson moment
Iker and Sergio
a love affair for the ages

Shane Ryan
full time whistle
well, that’s a draw
there will be no champion this year
but a good match nonetheless

Spike Friedman
haha
this match could use Landon Donovan

Shane Ryan
why did you have to bring that up
now i’m sad again

Important Interlude

Spike Friedman
someone I’m watching the match with just said they wish that the JLo world cup song featured Ja Rule
so I’m rattled

Shane Ryan
i don’t even know what that means
but i miss the will.i.am song
the waving flag one

Spike Friedman
I get mad that will.i.am’s name becomes a link in gchat
that’s stupid
come on Google
you think you can make a self driving car
start small

Shane Ryan
i wonder what country code am is

Spike Friedman
america

Shane Ryan
oh yeah
i forgot
all our websites have that at the end
like soccer.am
soccer.am is available, btw

Spike Friedman
thank god

EXTRA TIME, Period One

Spike Friedman
everybody is tired
yes
you can’t have an 8th minute sub
I love that fox has suggested that was part of some plan
insane

Shane Ryan
haha
REALLY MESS WITH THEM!
play our best guy for 8 minutes
take him out
= head games

Spike Friedman
uh oh
juanfran
spained ankle
tough to play through that

Shane Ryan
karma for faking injuries before
hot take
it’s karma

Spike Friedman
my blood literally boiled when you typed that
I’m a racecar in the red, Shane

Shane Ryan
boiling because it’s such a hot take?

Spike Friedman
god I hate you

Shane Ryan
hey is that radiohead playing through the loudspeaker?
because i think we just got a visit from the…
KARMA POLICE

Predictions, Pt. 2

Shane Ryan
real will score in the second frame

EXTRA TIME, Period Two

Spike Friedman
Simeone is crazy
running onto the field

Shane Ryan
but spike, HOW ARE HIS GUYS SUPPOSED TO FIGHT FOR HIM IF HE WON’T FIGHT FOR THEM??
i hope this doesn’t go to penalties
penalties are the dumbest thing in all sports

Spike Friedman
well, the alternative is run people til they die

Shane Ryan
i don’t understand the objection to my alternative
remove one player every five minutes
everyone treats it like it’s crazy

Spike Friedman
how are you removing them?

Shane Ryan
whistle every five

Spike Friedman
I mean, are you letting them live?
or are you picking them off

Shane Ryan
oh yeah, of course killing them

GOAL! Gareth Bale with a Header, 2-1 Madrid

Spike Friedman
Gareth Bale is having the worst day of any Welshman since [insert name of famous welshman who had a bad day here]

Shane Ryan
christian bale
when they recorded that angry rant

Spike Friedman
GARETH BALE
JAKLS:KL:A:JKDFL:KJSDJKLFDLS:
WHATTTTT

Shane Ryan
ohhoahsfl;kasdfjl;adsjfl;adsjfla;dsfjasl;dkfj
BEST DAY FOR A WELSHMAN SINCE CHRISTIAN BALE WON BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
WALESSSSSSS

Spike Friedman
that’s an unreal run from di maria
unreal save from courtois
unreal header from bale
unreal
Di Maria may be my player of the match

Shane Ryan
so, fair to say that copa del rey plus champions league beats la liga, right?
this is a year for real madrid?

Spike Friedman
yeah
this is the Decima
the decima shane
LA DECIMA

Shane Ryan
I GET IT
the tenth
man things sound way cooler in spanish
except royal madrid

GOAL! Marcelo Makes it 3-1 Madrid

Shane Ryan
EHGGAOLLLLLLLL
spike, i believe that will “do it”
xabi alonso dancing in the stands

Spike Friedman
Xabi Alonso is very attractive

Shane Ryan
great beard
marcelo straight up weeping

GOAL! Cristiano Ronaldo Puts the Cherry on Top, 4-1 Madrid

Shane Ryan
penalty?
hahah
ronaldo!!!!
YES

Spike Friedman
oh boy
there’s your boy

Shane Ryan
i love it
cristiano = the best
yes!!!!!
SHIRT OFF

Soccer Players Are Attractive, Pt. 2

Spike Friedman
god that’s a good body
what a body

Shane Ryan
OH MAN

Spike Friedman
WHAT A BODY

Shane Ryan
yeah
yeah
great body
thank god they got that penalty

Spike Friedman
Ronaldo runs with his pecs
it’s unreal

Shane Ryan
“everyone will be pleased that ronaldo has finished with a goal” -british announcer
will they, sir?
will they?
god, the pose

Spike Friedman
it’s unreal
his pecs are unreal

Shane Ryan
real really rubbing it in
oh a fight
this is great

Spike Friedman
my god, those ronaldo pecs
was there a soccer match?

Shane Ryan
simeone has to be held back
yeah i don’t remember

Spike Friedman
Simeone doing nothing to get rid of the gaucho sterotype
WHERE IS THE JOSE MOURINHO CAM?

THE FINAL WHISTLE

Shane Ryan
match
wow

Spike Friedman
MOTM: Di Maria
Story of the match: Subs
Pecs of the match: Ronaldo

Shane Ryan
well sir, total pleasure

Spike Friedman
indeed

Shane Ryan
and a nice world cup appetizer

Spike Friedman
also, fake injuries are fine

Shane Ryan
i agree, as long as you accept that karma will get you in the end
which it always does
and did again today

Spike Friedman
no
stop
booooo
BOOO SHANE