John Oliver appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman on Wednesday, and answered every questions Letterman could conceive about English soccer and how it works.
Some of it was a little bit incorrect (19 Premier League teams?), almost as if Oliver is so busy putting together Last Week Tonight for Sunday broadcast that he doesn’t watch as much soccer as he used to, and Letterman seems to be deliberately playing straight guy to set Oliver up for a few jokes, but there are some genuine pearls of wisdom in there. Here are my seven favorite:
On teams of consequence: “There are soccer teams everywhere. Of consequence? Probably about five or six that could actually win something. The rest of them are trying their hardest, and we respect that.”
On relegation: “It’s a classic British thing; you want to make failure really hurt. So, you are relegated and … we’ve managed to get the class system in sport.”
On the influence of money: “We don’t have a wage cap in English soccer, so money talks. And it shouts.”
On non-league players working their way up to the Premier League: “They’re eligible to do it! But they might, like me, have physical restraints that prevent from me doing that.”
On his career options: “All I wanted was to be a professional football player. This is Plan B.”
On the points system: “You get three points for a win, one point for a draw, and shame for a loss.”
After Letterman asks what’s the point of hoping your lower league team can make it to the Premier League if it’s so unlikely: “You are literally embodying why soccer will never take off in the United States.”
—Want to hear more from John Oliver on soccer? Try this: John Oliver vs. FIFA